do I stay or do I go?

[fizzypop]

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my second. I also have a 2.5 year old little girl. I am married to a man who is a wonderful father to our eldest, he is 100% in love with her and is just great. However, he doesn't want this baby one bit (thinks it will take away from the eldest). He doesn't treat me with kindness or respect.. about 40% of the time he's nice enough but the rest of the time he snaps and treats me with contempt.. he crisitices my appearance, whether it be my weight (that's a favourite and another reason he doesn't want this baby - in case I get bigger), my face (not enough make up/eyebrows need plucking, my smell, my clothes.. everything. Often he says things in a jokey way (when he is in a good mood) but sometimes it is with hatred. He snaps at me constantly over anything.. for example today I said I thought he'd said he didn't want lunch making for him tomorrow but he shouted at me because he had aaid he did. He's a very angry person but is very very kind and gentle with his daughter.

it isn't bad ALL the time, sometimes things are really good.

should I leave? I have looked into it but I am torn between providing a good home (we have a nice house and are financially stable) with a Mum and a Dad.. even if the dad isn't always kind to the mum.. or leaving and living in a less nice house/flat with no money and just a mum but a mum who is free from disrespect and criticism.

what do I do? It's such a hard decision because there are pros and cons for both options and it's not like it's bad all the time....

 

[Natasha2605]

If he is not willing to change then leave.

Your children deserve a happy mother. This man will keep chipping at your self worth until you feel nothing.

You deserve more

 

[slg76]

He's not a good dad if he treat's hid child's mom so poorly. Its a bad example for her to grow up with and it won't be good for her to grow up with a depressed mom. It sounds like you need to leave and/or get some professional help for your husband. Good luck!

 

[fizzypop]

Thank you ladies.. you are both right of course. Things are 'good' today - he's only got mad at me once! I know i need to leave if he doesn't change for good. My plan is to leave for a few weeks at the next bad period (this is due in a few weeks), then if he doesn't buck his ideas up then I leave. My babies need a happy mum, a happy family is worth more than anything he can provide.

 

[slg76]

Maybe while things are reasonable it's a good time to have a talk with him. See if be Santa to make things better and if so make a plan to get some help.

 

[Dezireey]

Unfortunately he is classed as abusive if he behaves like this. Classic signs of emotional abuse are what you describe, I have been through it myself, but in a different way. They are extremely good at being charming and kind when they want to be which confuses you, makes you think you are in the wrong etc etc. Have you actually tried talking to him about his behaviour or would he just get angry with you?

I am afraid that in a situation like this, he is the only one who can help himself and change his ways. Sometimes this behaviour can escalate into physical abuse but he just sounds like someone who needs to put you down in order to feel better about himself.

The simple question is 'are you happy?' If you can truthfully answer 'no' then you should leave.

 

[moomin_troll]

I wouldn't have my children grow up in a house, financially stable or not, and think the way he treats his wife is normal.

 

[CanadianMaple]

Life is too short to be treated poorly. Your children will thank you, the last thing you need is for them to think it's okay to treat women the way you are being treated. I hope you know that the issue is with him and not you.

 

[linz1988]

I would leave your daughter will see how he treats you and think it is alright x

 

[Foogirl]

Has he always been like this? If not, it's more likely a reaction to the new baby. A lot of fathers struggle with wondering how they will love nr 2 as much but usually come round in the end. If this is out of character, talk to him.

If he has always been like that then you need to decide if you think he can change. Walking away is easy. Working to make it better is not. But in the long run, if you can sort out your differences isn't that a better option?

 

[BigLegEmma]

If he is not willing to change then leave.

Your children deserve a happy mother. This man will keep chipping at your self worth until you feel nothing.

You deserve more

This. Your story is similar to mine except for me it's now over due to ex-OH sleeping with someone else. He chipped away at my self-esteem for two years and while it's terrifying starting anew alone, I know it's better for my daughter to have a happy mum rather than two parents who hate each other.

 

[ClairAye]

This sounds just like my ex.

At first I was devastated but now I am so happy, not being put down or picked on daily. It will take a long time for me to feel confident again, but at least I now have the chance to build it again, and my children don't have to see me be treated that way.

 

[daneuse27]

I would never make a man's lunch if he acted like it was 'expected' and especially not if he yelled at me over it. Your husband is controlling and abusive. I think you'd be a lot happier without him, and therefore a better parent. Unhappy parents raise unhappy kids.

 

[Jenny Bean]

Just wondering how the Poster is doing today, because I am going through a similar thing and am contemplating leaving.

 

[Tropiclands]

Did you want to share more info?

 

[Rato]

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my second. I also have a 2.5 year old little girl. I am married to a man who is a wonderful father to our eldest, he is 100% in love with her and is just great. However, he doesn't want this baby one bit (thinks it will take away from the eldest). He doesn't treat me with kindness or respect.. about 40% of the time he's nice enough but the rest of the time he snaps and treats me with contempt.. he crisitices my appearance, whether it be my weight (that's a favourite and another reason he doesn't want this baby - in case I get bigger), my face (not enough make up/eyebrows need plucking, my smell, my clothes.. everything. Often he says things in a jokey way (when he is in a good mood) but sometimes it is with hatred. He snaps at me constantly over anything.. for example today I said I thought he'd said he didn't want lunch making for him tomorrow but he shouted at me because he had aaid he did. He's a very angry person but is very very kind and gentle with his daughter.

it isn't bad ALL the time, sometimes things are really good.

should I leave? I have looked into it but I am torn between providing a good home (we have a nice house and are financially stable) with a Mum and a Dad.. even if the dad isn't always kind to the mum.. or leaving and living in a less nice house/flat with no money and just a mum but a mum who is free from disrespect and criticism.

what do I do? It's such a hard decision because there are pros and cons for both options and it's not like it's bad all the time....

Wow, that's a hard one. I am going through something similar myself.
I say do couple's therapy but if he does not change I would leave. Maybe leave once the unborn child is older so it becomes easier for you, unless you have enough support otherwise... No one deserves to be treated that way, having said that it is not an easy decision. How much support would you have from family/friends/government if you divorce? Also, your husband would have to pay you alimony, and child support. Doesn't matter if he does not want this baby, he conceived it and unless you have tricked him to have this baby (and even then) he will have to support this child.

I think there is a child support calculator online you can check. Also, as someone pointed out to me, unless you have a pre-nup you are entitled to half of everything he has. I have no idea how this works though, but if you are worried about money if you divorce then that can put your mind at ease a little bit.

Hang in there mama

 

[Jenny Bean]

Did you want to share more info?

If you were responding to me I have a whole post on my issues here:
https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/h.../2406583-verbal-abuse-just-too-sensitive.html

 

[Tropiclands]

It sounds like there are some red flags regarding his comments to your self-image. If he can't handle what will happen to your body, then he isn't for you. If he is abusive, you're also stuck worrying about what will happen when your body isn't what he wants.