Do you just 'know'...?

[MemmaJ]

When the time is right to have another...?

I have 11 year old twins from a previous relationship, and an almost 4-month old baby - so a big gap! Which actually I really like as my 11 year olds are pretty independent at that age, and the balance works really well as I get quality time with the baby while they're at school.

So I've never experienced a close age gap, but my partner wants another one ASAP!
There's only a year between him and his only sibling, so he doesn't know any different; but I am the youngest of 5 children spread over about 20 years so I can see more
of the benefits of bigger age gaps.
But even my own mum keeps trying to convince me to have another quickly..!

I know I want more children - I already really miss being pregnant (despite not enjoying it at the time), and I loved my labour and birth experience this time and would love to do it all again - both to the point where I feel jealousy when I see pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook!

I do love being a mum and am really enjoying being at home with the baby, rather than working terrible shifts in a stressful environment. The thought of going back to work right now makes me miserable.

Also it took nearly a year to conceive this baby so it could potentially take that long, or maybe even longer again.

But a lot of things about having another one close together scare me: like money, space, etc - practicalities like the need for a bigger car if we have another, which I think we can't afford at the moment. All things like that, people like my partner, mum and friends just say 'you find a way'.
Even down to whether I would even cope (current baby has reflux issues and doesn't STTN, so I'm already always tired!).

I'm having this constant mental argument with myself about pro's and con's and whether it would work yet or not.
But what I always come back to, is surely I would 'know' if I thought the time was right for me? I wouldn't HAVE to weigh it up, I'd just have the same attitude as people keep telling me ('we'll find a way')..? Or do you never really 'know' and you have to just jump in and hope for the best?!

 

[diz]

I think you'll know when it's right for you. There will always be a reason not to do it, but when it's the right time, you'll feel it, despite of any negatives X X

 

[justplay91]

We started trying for another when my son was about 4.5 months old. We caught pregnant when he was 6.5 months, which gave us a 15.5 month age gap. Honestly, I love it and hate it. The things I hate I think would be true whether it was a 12 month gap or a 4 year gap; basically I feel bad that neither kid gets a ton of individual attention and when they're both fussing I sometimes want to pull my hair out, lol. But overall it's not too bad usually. The thing I LOVE about this age gap (and tempts me to have a third with an under 2 year gap as well) is that my son is absolutely in love with his little sister. He's never jealous, he never (intentionally) hurts her, he always wants to help with whatever I'm doing, and he loves on her and cuddles her all the time. She is his "deet-dee" (sissy) and I can't imagine them being anything but very close as they grow up. The downside to that is I know they're going to fight like CRAZY when they get a little older, and if we had a third when my daughter was only 18 months old, that might be enough to drive me insane. Lol. But we want three (originally we just wanted two) and honestly I think I'd rather have them all close together, rather than spread many years apart.
Economically, you can make it work pretty well by shopping only at consignment places, downplaying holidays with gifts like birthdays and Christmas, cloth diapering (seriously saved us so much $ with two little ones in diapers), and reusing a lot of baby stuff over again with the next kid. They don't have to be super expensive, especially at this age. As for the car, well, we just bought a used minivan. It has saved us soooooo much stress and I would definitely recommend a minivan for any family with more than one kid. Lol. Honestly, I'm not sure you ever really "know" when it's time to have another. Just as I'm not sure you ever feel "done" having children, either. I still get jealous when I see pregnancy announcement on facebook, too! I think there are always pros to not having another (more time, sleep, money, etc) but of course there are pros to having more, too. It comes down to lifestyle, really. I'm pro-small gaps, but that's just me!

 

[Kmx]

I think you will just know. I only felt ready last year. I just knew I wanted another baby. I did have a mc and the wait has been longer than I would have hoped but I'm so happy to be oregnant. If it had happened before I was completely ready I think my pregnancy would have been filled with more worry and anxiety where as Becuase i waited i am just experiencing the happy countdown instead of panicking about what I've let myself in for.

 

[MemmaJ]

It's hard isn't it... Some days I think 'screw it, let's just do it' / 'it could take ages again anyway' / 'I've done twins before, I can do two baby's', etc...
But other days, the scary stuff, and the things that you can't change (like finances) take over, and I talk myself out of it again...!

 

[SarahBear]

I didn't "just know." It was very calculated for me. I wanted my first to make it as close to two years old as possible without having nursing disrupted. I also wanted the timing of maternity leave to work out well with work. I'm a teacher, so if I can get maternity leave to line up with being right before summer break, I get extra leave time. I worked it out that if I had the baby in March, my maternity leave would run out right before summer break. I couldn't actually afford to take that much time off, so I came back after my teaching duties were over and I only had paperwork and meetings to do and a much lighter work load. I aimed for a March birthday and I got a March birthday. The nursing uninterrupted until 2 was compromised, but she did make it most of the way to two before my milk dried up. Overall, the gap achieved what I was aiming to achieve. In terms of the more long-term consequences of the gap we ended up with, it feels odd to me because I was a year and a half younger than my sisters, but from what I see of other kids with the same gap, it seems like a good gap. I think different gaps work well for different parents. It sounds like you and your husband need to figure out some sort of agreement, but as the mother, I think you have the final say in how big or small the gap is. The important thing is that you agree on whether or not to have another. It's never good to bring a baby into a home who isn't wanted.

 

[MemmaJ]

So I thought I'd bump this up again as I'm still thinking about it..!

Baby is now 8 and a half months old and my partner is still very keen for another.

I still really miss being pregnant and crave experiencing it all again, which I still can't get my head around because I moaned about it constantly at the time..!
I still wish to have another lovely birth experience, and I still get jealous and broody when I see a tiny baby, or a pregnancy/birth announcement on social media!

So I do get days when I'm really keen too, but I also have other days where I just can't imagine being able to cope with another.
So I keep telling myself I would be better to wait until the baby is at nursery or school, so that I don't have two at home full-time... But what if I never get that 'right lets do it' feeling - because I AM just a natural worrier and talk myself out of everything! And what if it takes as long, or even longer, to get pregnant again when I do decide to bite the bullet..?!

Anyone else have any experience/insight?!

 

[Left wonderin]

Well I have 2 full time at home one is 18 weeks and the other 27 months . I would LOVE another and like you am jealous of people with bumps , announcements and even people planning another lol . Its crazy !!!! I don't think it will happen for me again oh dead set against it thinks 2 is just right and my age is a major factor ! I'm glad I didn't start having them in my 20/30 I'd have ended up with a brood !!!!!!!!

People always say you never regret the children you have only the ones you don't . Good luck with the decision
Having them so close is like anything else there are good days and bad days but nothing insurmountable ! They are so cute to watch together and adore each other

 

[Eegee]

I wanted a 3 or 4 year age gap and at times could even imagine just having one child... but then I got pregnant unexpectedly and now have a ten day old and an almost 2 year old! I've survived these 10 days but I am hoping that the next few months go super fast But then I think about how great things will be in a few years when the age gap is less significant, e.g. 5 and 7, and I'm kind of glad things happened the way they did

 

[Twag]

There is 21 months between my two and I love the age gap they adore each other my DD's face lights up when her brother comes into the room and my DS has never been jealous or anything other than very accepting and loving of his baby sister

Of course when they are both fussing or both requiring my attention at the same time sometimes I want to pull my hair out but overall I wouldn't change a thing

Good luck with whatever decision you make

 

[Unexpected212]

I've got a pre schooler and 2 at home full time, ages nearly 4, nearly 2 and 7 weeks...it's hard but it's amazing fun and I am glad I had the gaps I do. There is basically 22 months between the first and second and the second and third

 

[noon_child]

I'd love to be pregnant again but one DD was born I was so exhausted, so isolated and so...well...bored a lot of the time (I don't like playing unless it is a proper structured game or activity) I think I've finally realised we are sticking with one.

I love that my girl is starting to learn to read and write and I can 100% focus on how amazing it is without having to say "In a minute...wait a second...mmm that's nice". We spent 45minutes yesterday in which she created and typed a story for me, we found pictures to match it on the internet, it was amazing.

I get jealous of other pregnant ladies but I think its jealously that they feel able to do it again, and that they are more maternal and enjoy more of it than I did, I'm not actually jealous cos they get a baby at the end.

The other stuff I think about is not just the newborn stuff, but how tiring potty training is, how I'm sick of the sound of my voice saying "Do you need a wee?" 10 times a day. I was cleaning her teeth the other day and thought I'm glad I don't have to go through another 5 years of cleaning someone else teeth for them!

I think if you get a pull of maternal feeling when you see pregnant ladies then you will probably get to the stage where you feel you have to do it.

Finances are important if you are going to end up miserable (I brought my LO up in a house that was undecorated and half a building site and it depressed the hell out of me). Especially if you want to go back to work but can't. I couldn't have afforded to return to work if we had been paying for two lots of nursery fees.

 

[karlilay]

Having experienced both, ish. I couldn't really pick a better gap. My tow oldest are 23 months apart, and there is a 5.5 year age gap between my youngest and 7.5 year age gap between my oldest and Poppy. It is brilliant in that they make their own drinks, they understand being patient, they help me alot, etc etc but when i look at the bond they have, even though it was tough when they were small, i feel sad Poppy wont have that. I think close in age is fab, but it is hard at the beggining.

 

[MemmaJ]

You could always have another one for Poppy...! Haha!

Random addition to this story - my iPhone is constantly saying I have no storage, so yesterday I started getting some photos off of it and onto the laptop. I got my upgrade when I was about 14 weeks pregnant, so all the photos at the beginning of the album for months, were all lovely pregnancy/bump/scan photos. Then of when we did the gender reveal for my older two, and photos of the birth and in the hospital. Argh, that REALLY didn't help...!