Does anyone else feel guilty about their labour/delivery?

[Feff]

I can't help still feeling guilty about how I gave birth even though my daughter is 5 and a half weeks

Everything was going fine, I was only using gas and air and had pethidine for the contractions, and the same for pushing but as I was pushing, the doctor came to examine me because it was taking a while and as she examined me she felt the baby turn back to back so I had to go to theatre for a an epidural, epipstomy and forceps

Does anyone have any tips on how to get over it? I'm trying my hardest and I feel a little bit better but I still feel bad and like a failure

 

[tristansmum]

It will get easier. With my first birth I got to 10cm and pushed for ages bit nothing. Went to theatre for spinal and forceps but he was stuck so had emcs. It took me a long time to come to terms with it. I felt I didn't give birth properly. That a c section meant I failed. I couldn't bf afterwards and felt I let him down for using formula (he is perfectly healthy 2 year old). I think it was maybe 6 months when I came to terms with it complety. Enough time had passed and I loved him so much and I finally realised it didn't matter how he was born but that I was a good mum.
Give yourself time. Chat to friends about it. Most births are not 'perfect'. You will find you are not alone in feeling upset over aspects of the birth. I just had a vbac 2 weeks ago. It was so much better than last time and its helped me to feel I finally did it myself. That said it was still painful and I had a second degree tear after his shoulder got stuck. So although it was what I wanted it was not perfect.

 

[Dream.dream]

I did when my sons was born. I felt like I let them push pitocin on me and the internal monitor which I believe contributed to the brain bleed he had during labour and a scalp infection he got at 4 days old .

It just takes time. I found educating myself has helped , I learned that they system isn't always set up to make things eat for women its o make things easy for doctors and I was young and they pushed me around. I won't let it happen again and that makes me feel better

 

[Feff]

Thank you ladies, at least I know I won't feel like this forever

 

[Guppy051708]

For me it wasn't so much the birth with DS1 as it was how they treated me during my stay immediatly after the birth. Usually i am the type to speak up about things but i was so tired and weak from such a very long labor and delivery that i didnt. And so when i only had 5 minutes of skin to skin and then they wisked him away for observation-never letting me nurse him for 12-13 hours later (and i only got to hold him once during that time), i still am upset about that. Even though i was told there would be rooming in, no seperation, etc. Ive since improved how i feel about that by changing how i did things the second time around. It was one big reason why i decided to have a HB with DS2. So i could prevent that seperation. To me that was one of the most important times of me and my sons life and i hate that they took that away from me and i hate that i didn't speak up. It really did impact our connection-i really do believe that, especially seeing the difference with the bond i have with my HB baby. It is time lost that i can never ever get back and that is really upsetting to me, but one thing that def helped me heal a little from that was doing things differently the second time around.

I know that isn't exactly the same as what you went through, but it is relatable in some ways.

But as PPs have pointed out, with time things will grow easier about it.
You should be very proud of yourself! I think all women-no matter how they give birth-are pretty freaking amazing and TBH i think those that have experiences such as yours, you deserve even more kuddos! I really think that is a reflection of strong you are, honestly! It's one thing to squat a baby out like its nothing (which is pretty awesome in it's own right), but when you really have to put up a fight, to me that means God must think you are a soldier to have let you go through that. You should be proud of your accomplishment. It might have been less than ideal but in my book you are super hero

 

[Eleanor ace]

I have some guilt over DD's birth. I was GBS+ and meant to go to hospital once labour started so that I could get the antibiotics but I didn't because I wasn't sure I was in labour at first (I'd had false labour at 36 weeks so I thought it might be that again). I was 8cm when I got there so they only had time to do 1 dose of the AB's. DD got sick when she was 2 weeks old and while we were at hospital they thought it might be GBS and I felt heart broken that I might have made her ill by not getting her the medicine she needed in labour. Even though I know she's fine now I can't help feeling guilty when I think of it . I think guilt comes as standard when you're a mum but birth guilt does fade- only to be replaced with a million other parenting guilts

 

[Feff]

Wow thank you Guppy that made me feel 100x better I'll try and remember that when I'm feeling down about it

Eleanor tell me about it lol, I feel guilty about something silly near enough everyday it's silly isn't it, none of it was our fault but we still feel guilty!

 

[grace10209]

I can't help still feeling guilty about how I gave birth even though my daughter is 5 and a half weeks

Everything was going fine, I was only using gas and air and had pethidine for the contractions, and the same for pushing but as I was pushing, the doctor came to examine me because it was taking a while and as she examined me she felt the baby turn back to back so I had to go to theatre for a an epidural, epipstomy and forceps

Does anyone have any tips on how to get over it? I'm trying my hardest and I feel a little bit better but I still feel bad and like a failure

I am sorry but I don't understand your question, want do u feel guilty about? What did u do that's wrong?

 

[Feff]

Just that I couldn't push her out myself and that I needed help doing so, I didn't really do anything wrong I just feel bad that I needed help

 

[ClairAye]

I laboured for a whole of 38 hours, I pushed for almost 3 hours but still couldn't get him out myself, I also had an episiotomy and forceps, I was supposed to have an EMCS but fell really ill in labour and it would have been a risk to my health. I felt guilty for ages! It does get better though, I promise

 

[Clarabell543]

I had an emcs after induction.. i was very swollen and they couldn't do epi after several attempts. They had to give me a general anasthetic. My first memories of her were four hours after she was born.. she was dressed.. had been given her first feed and i missed it all! Also my hubby had to sit in recovery as he wasn't allowed into theatre. I felt like I had totally failed! To this day i still get upset over it but then i remember that I got her here safely!! I carried her and nutured her so she grew inside me and i got her here... ok so i didnt push her out but i went through the mill and did everything in my power to get her here as safely as i could. Then i look at my smiley little princess and think... yeahhh i did good.

You will never forget it but it gets easier.

Well done you

 

[grace10209]

Just that I couldn't push her out myself and that I needed help doing so, I didn't really do anything wrong I just feel bad that I needed help

Oh? I am sorry you feel that way but I would never have even thought of that, honestly. I just have never heard a woman say that before? I mean, You carried your baby for 9 months and she's here now and healthy, isn't that all that matters? Sometimes births don't go natural and medical intervention is required as its the best choice for mom and baby, you should feel proud that you put her safety and well being over "your desire to go natural".

Some things are out of our control and help is required or baby will be in trouble.

Try to focus on the positive and be thankful you have a healthy little one.

 

[Feff]

It's not that I desired to go natural lol, and of course I'm glad and very very thankful that she's here and a beautiful, healthy baby I just feel bad that I couldn't manage what hundreds of other women can do that's all

 

[Guppy051708]

Feff, i understand you
No need to justify.
Things will get easier w time.

 

[Feff]

Thank you guppy

 

[tristansmum]

It's not that I desired to go natural lol, and of course I'm glad and very very thankful that she's here and a beautiful, healthy baby I just feel bad that I couldn't manage what hundreds of other women can do that's all

I think many people don't understand this unless they have been through it themselves. Everyone says be thankful baby is ok and you are but you still feel sad about the experience. That is ok to feel like this. It will become easier in time. X

 

[Feff]

Thank you x

 

[PregnantKitty]

With my first i ended up in such terrible pain that i passed out from it several times during labor. I ended up tearing and bleeding profusely and could not stay conscious. As a result i don't remember a good portion of my final pushes and barely remember actually giving birth. I felt traumatized and like i had failed as a parent because i didn't experience the typical "joy" most mothers seem to have immediately following birth.
It's taken me some time to come to terms with that and this time around i want to make sure my hubby takes lots of pics/video so even if it happens again i will know exactly what happened and be able to experience it that way.

 

[OmiOmen]

I wouldn't say I felt guilty about the pregnancy and delivery of DS1 but I felt deflated and like you as though my body had failed to do what so many women do with ease. This was a feeling I already had since my first MC was a MMC which after waiting for it to happen naturally I had a D&C for it. I was also left feeling like this after the birth of DS2 but with the added feeling of guilt because if I had just had a repeat c-section rather than attempt a VBAC it wouldn't have happened. Rationally I know in most cases a VBAC is a better option but with retrospect comes that irrational guilt.

I think it normal to feel like your body has failed you after a difficult pregnancy or delivery even when mother and baby are safe and well in the end. So your not alone. Time helps and I am finding after having a really difficult delivery with DS2 that talking about it and finding others who feel the same helps too. If this feeling doesn't go away then talking to someone trained to deal with it might help if needed.