Does anyone else feel stuck taking care of baby all the time?

[HSDR2017]

My bf works all day and provides for my baby and me. He does have a drinking problem and Im sure that doesnt help.
Today he was off work but wanted to do last minute xmas shopping...

He left around 3 and got home around 6. He was drunk so he didnt want to or just didnt take care of the baby when he got back like he said he would. Id like to clean and organize before xmas eve tomorrow and yet im stuck on the couch feeding my almost 3 mo old baby because he is passed out on the bed. It wouldnt be as bad if he hadnt asked me to get her in her carseat so we could go to a hardware store for him and of course she started crying in her carseat and hasnt stopped needing attention since.

I also found out 3 weeks ago that the motocross magazines I bought him last christmas, they have smuts in bikinis and he had them taped up on his wall hidden in his garage. He didnt want sex most of the time and he was masturbating to them instead of helping with our baby. I basically only found out because its what he admitted to after i kept accusing him of cheating.

Im so irritated im sitting here now burping our baby and he doesnt have to even question whether ill take care of her or not. Im getting annoyed with my baby because Im always stuck taking care of her but I feel like if he helped and cared more I wouldnt be sitting here doing nothing but caring for her once again. Im so frustrated!!

 

[_Meep_]

He needs help. If my partner were that drunk, I wouldn't even allow him in the house around our young children. No way.

Yes, sometimes I feel like my partner could help more with the baby and it's difficult at times taking care of two demanding children, but one thing I feel strongly about is that their needs and dependence is not their fault, and it's up to me as their primary caregiver to make sure they are provided for with love and care, and that they feel wanted and appreciated. I chose to bring them into this world, and they are essentially helpless ...

If you're feeling annoyed and frustrated with your baby, I would urge you to seek help too. It's not your fault you feel this way - babies are impossible at times - but you may be suffering PPD which can really damage your time with your baby.

I certainly wouldn't be giving her to your partner to care for alone until he has help with his drinking - if there is any chance he could get drunk when he is alone with her, then they must never be left alone together. It poses too much of a risk to your baby's health, wellbeing and - potentially - life.

 

[Hailey1207]

@HSDR2017 I feel you! You're not a person nor a bad mom, you're just a human being. Why don't you get a babysitter?

 

[noon_child]

I think you have more than one issue going on here that are getting confused.

In terms of childcare, if your bf is drunk he isn't safe to look after a three month old child. So if you are committed to your relationship despite the drink problem, you may have to accept that you will feel like a single parent while your boyfriend gets help. It's totally up to you whether you stay committed to him if he wont get help.

The masturbation thing - everyone has different feelings about porn and sexy images but I don't think that masturbation always has anything to do with sex or the state of a relationship. If he is feeling stressed, depressed etc. (which it sounds like he is if he's drinking to take the edge off) he may just be masturbating to relieve stress and feel better. Having real sex requires confidence, intimacy, energy - all of which new parents don't always have, especially if they are depressed. I have at times (while totally committed to my husband and in love with him) not had the energy to initiate sex but have just wanted to masturbate to relieve stress and feel good.

In terms of him helping (when it's safe to do so) you just have to start being really assertive about how you feel and what you need. To avoid being aggressive and blame it can be useful to follow the Explain, Feel, Need, Consequence cycle...e.g
"When you leave me to look after the baby all the time
It makes me feel...taken for granted/exhausted/resentful... (whatever you feel).
I need you to...look after the baby when I have a bath/ask me everyday what help I need/share parenting equally during the evening...(whatever)
If you don't I'm going to be too exhausted to be a good parent/be too resentful to want to spend time on our relationship..(whatever)
Can you do this for me?"
I think a lot, if not all, new mums feel like they are put upon to do all the work while their partner has a rest from their "hard day" - but no-one knows how hard a mums day is till they've been there so you just have to assert yourself.

Regarding his drink problem - does he admit it is a problem? Would he get help? You can use the same strategy to talk to him about it if you haven't ever brought it up, like:
"When you drink heavily
It makes me worry about your health/worry there's stuff making you sad that you wont talk to me about
I need you to be honest with me about what your thinking/ go to your doctor/get counselling
If you don't, it's going to drive a wedge between us/I'm not going to trust that you are safe to look after LO"