Does anyone feel their angels sent them this baby?

[Lost7]

I am so blessed to have another rainbow baby coming. I have been through so much with my losses, silver lining is that I now know why they've happened but it still doesn't help the grief I feel every single day. I will take that pain with me to my grave.

I know this might sound stupid but I honestly feel Jake sent him. I found out about Jake last February. He was due 13th October 2015. I sadly miscarried him 2nd March. Betas confirmed my worst nightmare, I was going to miscarry for the 8th time. I made them check my progesterone and it was very low; too low to sustain a pregnancy. By this point I had already lost him, I had to wait for my body to miscarry my baby.

My baby was inside me, It is hard to know that you're pregnant but you're going to miscarry your baby and there's nothing you can do about it? You feel so helpless.

With most of my miscarriages I've had no idea the pregnancy would end that way until I saw the red blood and was in excruciating pain. With Jake I felt like I was waiting for the inevitable. I was told he had gone but I hadn't started bleeding. (They call these missed miscarriages). My body didn't realise he had gone so it took a while for my body to realise it had to miscarry. I narrowly avoided a cancer drug to 'clear me out'.

Jakes pregnancy was so different to my others. I felt like he was trying his best to hang on, especially when the betas suddenly jumped up. It even surprised the doctors who thought it was a new pregnancy. I knew it was Jake. He tried so hard to hang on for me.

In the months that followed Jakes passing I went about my days as normal as I could. It was on my mind but I didn't cry, until October hit. I had no baby to welcome into the world. No baby to cuddle, no baby to kiss and no baby to hold. I had empty arms. They ached for Jake. My whole body felt weak. This feeling progressed, by Christmas 2015 I was put on suicide watch and strong anti depressants. How could I celebrate Christmas in this much pain and grief? How could I be happy when I felt so sad?

In 2016 I didn't even feel pregnant when I took the test. I found out about 10-14 days prior to the anniversary of when I found out Jake was buried into my womb. I am due only 11 days before Jakes' due date.

We had a bad month conception wise (TMI, I know). This pregnancy happened against ALL the odds. This baby has survived against ALL the odds. Stresses and strains of a relationship break down, heavy lifting, further situational stresses in my life.

This baby has survived against all the odds. I have more angels than I do living children.
I am 21 weeks 5 days pregnant. We have reached over half way now. 127 days approximately until baby and I meet.

I just have an over whelming feeling Jake sent me this baby. I don't know why and it probably sounds really silly.

 

[maryanne1987]

I can really relate to this as I have always said that my angel daughter Tabitha sent me my rainbow Aurora. It's not silly at all and I don't care what people think when I tell them. We started ttc when my son was 18 months, I was young, un experienced, thought it would happen quickly for us but no. 7 long years of loss after loss, medical appointments test, no explanations as to why I kept losing my babies. Then I feel pregnant with Tabitha. Against all the odds she survived, barely doubling betas, low progesterone, issues with my liver, but she was such a little fighter. I loved watching my belly grow and feeling her kick. I was overjoyed to find out i was having a little girl. But then I fell ill. Really ill. They hospital had made a mistake with my booking in bloods and failed to test me for rubella immunity. And at 18 weeks I contracted it. I remember sitting in hospital and thinking she can beat this, she's made it through everything else. But then a few hours later I felt a pop and a gush and I knew it was over. 20 minutes later my beatiful girl was born silently. She was so tiny and so perfect. When they took her away the next morning I couldn't even cry. I felt numb. How could I have lost 16 babies. Why me? What did I do to deserve it. I fell into deep depression, I pushed away my DH, wanting him to find someone that could give him a child. I became a recluse almost as I couldn't face venturing out and seeing pregnant ladies and little babies. Xmas 2014 arrived and I found myself looking at a bfp. I felt nothing. I knew this baby wouldn't make it. But like Tabitha this baby seemed to defy to odds. Weeks went by, but I was too afraid to believe this could be it. I refused to buy anything or even talk about my growing baby. We found out I was having a girl and yet again I felt numb and cold. It wasn't untill that beautiful little girl was placed in my arms that I believed she was real. I looked at her and she looked so much like her sister and I knew she had been sent by my tabitha to heal the pain and fix me. Not a day goes by when I don't think of my angel, i will always have two daughters even though one isn't with me. We are expecting again and ive been filled with the same panic and dread as last time but I know we have our guardian angel looking after us.

 

[Lost7]

Aww, that made me cry!

16 losses my goodness, I can't imagine what you've been through, it's bad enough having 9 with people calling me a fake for having so many!

Have you had any testing done? Last year I found out I have a clotting disorder, so I got *some* closure as to why I've lost so many.

How far were you when you lost Tabitha? She sounds a very pretty angel.

I hope you can become excited with this pregnancy, I can't imagine having to go through a stillbirth.

Congratulations on the pregnancy Hun. I'm still in awe of mine!

 

[maryanne1987]

I'm glad its not just me that gets the 'fake' comments about my losses. People are so cruel. it's sometimes like I have to hide how many losses I have had to avoid the suspicion. I'm truly sorry for all your losses. Your very brave.

I've recently been diagnosed with issues with my blood clotting too much. Was very surprised as ive had so much testing done and it's never been picked up. So now I'm on two fragmin injections a day and aspirin. Fingers crossed it's working so far. How are they treating yours?

Tabitha was almost 19 weeks when she left us. It was the anniversary of when she was born yesterday. Did I read it right that you have 6 children? That's amazing! I would love a big family. 6 is my ideal.

 

[Lost7]

No, not just you unfortunately. There is a lot of cruel, nasty people out there. I'm sorry you too have been victim to those kind of comments. They used to break me but now I'm "used" to the online bullies and immature comments from people who don't know me! Trick is not to let them get to you. You and your medical records show what you've been through, we don't have to justify ourselves to any keyboard warriors out there.

Interested to know which blood clotting disorder you've been diagnosed with? I only asked for the test because I saw it on a program here called This Morning only a few days before my appointment with The Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic.

for yesterday, I bet that was tough. Anniversaries and due dates are always a painful reminder.

Yeah, 6, soon to be 7 gorgeous children.

 

[maryanne1987]

As of yet no diagnosis. I have an appointment on the 17th so will discuss it with my consultant then as to be honest I want answers. Why has it gone unnoticed so long, did it play a part in my losses and will I get a diagnosis soon. There's been two possible conditions mentioned, APS and thrombophila but I've had no explanation of what they even are. I'm hoping for answers and how this will effect me in the long term. Have you had a diagnosis? Did it take long? I'm nervous about weather I will need to be on this medication all the time, or just while pregnant. I've been left totally in the dark.