Does how much money FOB give have an impact on how much access you allow?

[cherry_pie]

I am very aware that I do not want to use my son in any way and only want the best for him. My husband does not give me what the CSA guidelines say he should for his earnings, however as his job is not through the books I have no way to prove this in court. I told him what he should be paying and he said he will leave work and be unemployed before he would give me that much and I get child support so shouldnt need anymore. Anyway, it kind of annoys me that he still gets to see our son pretty much when he wants despite not giving what he should towards his upbringing. Just wondering on other peoples situation.

 

[Jinty]

Personally i don't think the amount of money you get should depend on how much time he spends with LO.

FOB didn't give me any money until his mum mentioned it. He now gives me £100 a month and only see LO once a week 10am-1pm.

I don't tell him how much to give me or how much he should see LO. I did try and say he should see LO more but that didn't happen.

Personally i think it's up to him but in your case if hes giving you less than CSA says and you need to money then that is a different story.

 

[cherry_pie]

I don't need money atm because im living with parents for a while until I get some savings but I am afraid for the future but he is adamant he won't increase it. It wouldn't make me stop seeing our son as I want my son to have a dad in his life and not be affected by my (or our ) problems but I think as he is being so uncompromising with regards to money its making me want to be less flexible with regards to seeing him. It makes me mad that he puts his name down to work extra shifts and then thinks I will just change the days he can see our baby "because he has been called into work" sorry this turned into a bit of a rant...

 

[Jinty]

I don't need money atm because im living with parents for a while until I get some savings but I am afraid for the future but he is adamant he won't increase it. It wouldn't make me stop seeing our son as I want my son to have a dad in his life and not be affected by my (or our ) problems but I think as he is being so uncompromising with regards to money its making me want to be less flexible with regards to seeing him. It makes me mad that he puts his name down to work extra shifts and then thinks I will just change the days he can see our baby "because he has been called into work" sorry this turned into a bit of a rant...

Its probably best that you don't really rely on his money anyway because he could just take it anyway at any moment. The money i get off LOB i put it away so she can spend it when shes older or if she really needs something. The last time i used the money FOB gave me was to buy LO a new single bed because she out grew her cot.

I know what you mean be being less flexible but i think you need to be in between for example, before i had a set time for FOB to have LO, he would ask me in advance and i say it would be fine. I've always said he can have her when he wanted because it's his child too. Last time he asked me was 15 hours before he wanted her so i had a go and we made a set time.

Hope this helps x

 

[cherry_pie]

i know everyone is telling me not to rely on the money. Im planning to put it towards childcare when i go back to work. I just keep reminding myself I need to be the bigger person here and not get involved in petty arguments. Your right, it is his child too. However I want my baby to understand that his home is with me, and he visits daddy, not two homes to be shared. How do you go about him seeing her on christmas, birthdays, other holidays etc?

 

[Rhio92]

No... My last solicitor said if he doesn't pay then he shouldn't see Connor. But i don't think it's fair on Connor, so he see's him anyway x

 

[angelpkj]

its hard to keep your feelings seperate with stuff like this

every part of you is thinking what a prick fob is and why should you be left to bring up a baby and pay for it while fob spends his money on holidays and nights out yet expects a clean fed dressed baby sat on his lap a few times a week

i personally would just go csa
also if fob hardly saw LO i would want the full amount i could get if i went thru csa but if fob saw lo alot i wouldnt be too bothered as fob would have to pay to feed etc lo while in his care so it works out same

 

[dustbunny]

If you want to have him included then go through CSA. Any other agreement he could back out of and tbh, CSA are very determined when you get in contact with them. Your LO's FOB needs to grow up and realise that the money is not for you but for your LO and just because you might already be receiving benefits towards LO it doesn't cover everything and as the father it should be split 50/50. This annoys me about FOB's, they expect the same amount of access etc but do not want the adult responsibilities which come with that.
FOB has contributed nothing to this baby, nothing financially as well as emotionally but has £10,000 in the bank and boasted about having this amazing job [the latter being another lie] so if he dare to take me to court well...
I don't like the sort of person he is and not a lot of other people do and tbh, I don't want my child to be hanging out with someone like that on a regular basis.

 

[Jinty]

i know everyone is telling me not to rely on the money. Im planning to put it towards childcare when i go back to work. I just keep reminding myself I need to be the bigger person here and not get involved in petty arguments. Your right, it is his child too. However I want my baby to understand that his home is with me, and he visits daddy, not two homes to be shared. How do you go about him seeing her on christmas, birthdays, other holidays etc?

FOB normally gets LO at christmas because my family doesn't really do anything special for it where his family is big on it. So she would have more fun there anyway. Which bothers me a little but if she enjoys it more fair enough. This year shes spending it with me and my family on holiday so i guess taking turns really. Birthdays... We like to do it altogether im still very close with LO grandparents because they are my babysitters for when im at uni. FOB is in the army so depends on what day it falls on.

 

[cherry_pie]

Your lucky that you seem to have a good relationship with FOB and his family. I am trying to keep my feelings separate and I keep telling myself that my baby should have the chance to know and love his daddy (even if I don't) so I'm taking the stance that I am doing this for my baby and not for FOB. Hopefully things will be easier as it is all quite raw still at the minute and everything is new. He says although he is nt giving me what he should be he will make sure his son never goes without and will buy school uniforms etc etc. I can't really rely on anything he says though because after the split we divided up bills which had to be paid, I have kept my end of the bargin but am getting loads of letters saying the things he agreed to pay haven't been and unfortunatly I was stupid and put everything in my name when we lived together. Anyway, I know my son has a good time when he is with him and he seems to take him out etc so thats what is important.

 

[Octobermommy2]

My twins father only gives me 150 every 2 weeks. I don't really allow him to see them that. Much as our relantionship ended badly. I'm afraid of my girls well being. He is court ordered to give 350 every two weeks . As u see he gives me 200 less. He has one day a week supervised visits he is paying for though court

 

[Snowball]

It doesn't affect how much he sees them (other factors would though) but I never know if what he's giving me is 'right'. I'm sure his mum gets more in rent out of him than what he gives to the kids monthly.

We have 4 children and I get £450 monthly. I got no extra when Louie was born because the CSA would make him pay for no more than 3 children (the forth lives off thin air obviously). He does an obscene amount of overtime and 'on calls' (unless of course that's code for 'over my dead body am I looking after the kids today')

 

[CrazyBird]

I dont get any money off my ex for LO. I have never asked for a set amount. A few weeks ago i asked him to buy lo some clarks shoes and last week he told me he would like to buy lo some new clothes, so he does contribute but no where near as much as me. He is a good dad and very hands on with him when he has him 2 nights a week although he can still be a prick at times to me, hence the reason i left but as long as he is a good dad then thats all that matters to me.
If i was struggling for money to provide for lo then i would be asking for maintenance but i'm fine and lo doesn't go with out.

 

[CrazyBird]

Just to add that FOB is on a good wage and can easily afford to give me money....Maybe i am crazy for not asking for a set amount each week lol

 

[cherry_pie]

It's nice to hear other opinions on the matter. Ex husband gives 120 a month which I know isn't the 15% of his income (which is what CSA advises to give) but I guess he buys food and nappies for when he has Thomas 2 days a week (for a few hours each day that is not whole days) and he says he will contribute towards clothes etc when I need it, just hate asking for stuff of him.