Doesn't Feel Like Christmas ...

[Andypanda6570]

I just can't get happy...I tried everything and I put on this phony smile and fake ass emotion called happy, when inside I am dying I miss her so much and I just keep saying when is this going to be over, i know this emotion of complete emptiness and missing her will never leave me and it scares the shit outta me...

I didn't realize how hard this was going to be, i thought I would be fine , but I'm not.. All the mommies decorated their babies graves where Ava is buried and it looks beautiful, i am going today to leave some presents for her.

My God why has this happened to us and why are we left here to suffer so muchI am better but these feelings never leave me and she should be here with her family for Christmas.... Why isn't she. I just miss Ava so much and my one wish would be that my heart heals, I just wish it would stop hurting so much.
Thanks for listening

 

[Hellylou]

Just remember you don't have to pretend to feel something you don't. All you can do is be honest with people - tell them you are doing your best but it's hard at this time for you. If you need to just sit quietly instead of going all in on the merriment, then do.

I'm going to light a candle for Thomas on Christmas morning and leave it burning all day so he is a part of our day, and to show we remember him. I don't want to make a big event of it for everyone else's benefit - a lot of family will be there, but if anyone asks, I will tell them what the candle is for. I prefer to keep my thoughts inside most of the time. They are there, but I keep them hidden from most people. I have an outside face and an inside face. I have to separate the two for the sake of my children. I have been to a few parties and celebrations and I just can't get fully into the swing of it. I sit and I smile and I am polite, but I am not really there in spirit. I feel like a little part of me has died this Christmas, there is no two ways about it, but next Christmas will be a better one for all of us.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you, Helen I also feel like a part of me is just gone and I can never get it back, I hope and pray 2012 will be a wonderful, magical year for us all..XOXOOXOX

 

[KamIAm]

Hi My Sweet Andrea

I am so sad for all of us... Wish I could bring all our lil ones back I completely understand the phony, fake, wearing 2 faces... I put on a good show for my children.. everyone else I don't care and I don't pretend anymore ..too much effort and I kind of feel they don't deserve it, I don't HAVE to smile for them

This is most of us/ I think this is all of our first Christmas without our babies... It's gonna be a rough one... Helen, that is exactly what I planned on doing ... One Christmas Day, it will mark exactly 9 months since Em's been gone (doesn't feel that long )

I hope and wish you all will be kind and patient as well as gentle on yourselves ...

Love you all bunches!!!!!

 

[OliveBay]

Andrea I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Please be gentle on yourself. It might help if you can find some time to be on your own, even just for 10 minutes, to just allow those feelings to be - accept them, let them take hold and just roll with them for a while. Once you've allowed those emotions to come freely flowing out, you may find it easier to fake that happy face in front of the crowds afterwards.

I think all of us here will be putting on our brave faces in front of family this Christmas, and I think they will probably be expecting that too. This rollercoaster of emotions doesn't ever stop does it? I'm sure my family will be acutely aware of my ongoing sadness over the holidays and they will be trying so hard to find the right balance between celebration and comfort.

Helen I totally get you with feeling like a part of you has died. I feel like I will never be completely carefree and joyful again - I think this is why Christmas is so hard. Even happy Christmas songs make me well up with tears at the moment, as I feel sort of torn between happiness and sadness

 

[yazoo]

Andrea hun, I completely understand how you feel. I feel the exact same. I wish this hadn't been such a crap year for all of us and I hope that next year will be better. It has to be right?

You will be in my thoughts over Christmas. Be gentle on yourself. Love you.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Andrea hun, I completely understand how you feel. I feel the exact same. I wish this hadn't been such a crap year for all of us and I hope that next year will be better. It has to be right?

You will be in my thoughts over Christmas. Be gentle on yourself. Love you.

Love you too.......................XOXOoooXOXOOX

 

[mhazzab]

I'm dreading the day too, I've cried a few times this week at the thought of christmas without my precious daughters. I miss them so much.

Luckily, I don't really have anyone that I need to put a brave face on for. Hubby understands, we agreed to just have a quiet day together, rather than have the day and dinner at his parents, with his sisters etc. I'm very grateful to be able to hide away, not sure how I would cope otherwise. I'm not sure what his parents thought when he told them we weren't coming, I don't really care to be honest. It's our decision what we do.

I know there's a lot of you who need to put a brave face on for family / other children. try to take even just a few minutes to yourself during the day, although I know it's hard. I love the idea of lighting candles, think I will do that too.

love you all xxx

 

[BMR3]

I don't no if you all remember my story or not, but I lost my son at 38 weeks and daughter at 19 weeks. My son I lost in 2004, so I can honestly tell you that your pain and missing your child never truly goes away. For me, its not just Christmas but all holidays, I think to myself of what it would have been like if my son were here. Sadly enough, you learn how to cope with it, because for me my babies are never far from my mind and always in my heart.

I don't no if that will help or not. I am hoping you all have happy holidays.

BMR3

 

[Andypanda6570]

I'm dreading the day too, I've cried a few times this week at the thought of christmas without my precious daughters. I miss them so much.

Luckily, I don't really have anyone that I need to put a brave face on for. Hubby understands, we agreed to just have a quiet day together, rather than have the day and dinner at his parents, with his sisters etc. I'm very grateful to be able to hide away, not sure how I would cope otherwise. I'm not sure what his parents thought when he told them we weren't coming, I don't really care to be honest. It's our decision what we do.

I know there's a lot of you who need to put a brave face on for family / other children. try to take even just a few minutes to yourself during the day, although I know it's hard. I love the idea of lighting candles, think I will do that too.

love you all xxx

Love you too.. I wish you a gentle and peacful day XOXO

I don't no if you all remember my story or not, but I lost my son at 38 weeks and daughter at 19 weeks. My son I lost in 2004, so I can honestly tell you that your pain and missing your child never truly goes away. For me, its not just Christmas but all holidays, I think to myself of what it would have been like if my son were here. Sadly enough, you learn how to cope with it, because for me my babies are never far from my mind and always in my heart.

I don't no if that will help or not. I am hoping you all have happy holidays.

BMR3

Yes you did help, thank you I am so deeply sorry for your losses, that must be almost unbearable Your right we do learn to cope and thank God for that .. Happy Holidays and I am just so sorry for your losses

 

[duckytwins]

Oh sweetie. I know how you are feeling. I tried to go to family Christmas yesterday and cried and wanted to go home. I don't even want to go to dinner today. I just want it all to be over so I don't have to play happy for anyone. Just know we are all thinking about you. I wish I could say more...

 

[Garnet]

Oh sweetie. I know how you are feeling. I tried to go to family Christmas yesterday and cried and wanted to go home. I don't even want to go to dinner today. I just want it all to be over so I don't have to play happy for anyone. Just know we are all thinking about you. I wish I could say more...

I'm with you!!!

 

[DueSeptember]

I just can't get happy...I tried everything and I put on this phony smile and fake ass emotion called happy, when inside I am dying I miss her so much and I just keep saying when is this going to be over, i know this emotion of complete emptiness and missing her will never leave me and it scares the shit outta me...

I didn't realize how hard this was going to be, i thought I would be fine , but I'm not.. All the mommies decorated their babies graves where Ava is buried and it looks beautiful, i am going today to leave some presents for her.

My God why has this happened to us and why are we left here to suffer so muchI am better but these feelings never leave me and she should be here with her family for Christmas.... Why isn't she. I just miss Ava so much and my one wish would be that my heart heals, I just wish it would stop hurting so much.
Thanks for listening

It hit me HARD when I woke up on Christmas and my Mom didnt call me to say it I cried for half of the day....I missed Maya too she would have been 3 Months and 1 week...I cried when I looked at Facebook with all the kids opening presents I cried when my Best Friend told me she was pregnant it wasnt a good half of they day but my Man comfort me and said he was my Mom and Maya all in one that made me feel a little better he said he misses her too after that it started to get a little better I went downstairs and spoke with his parents and played spades and ate dinner...Hope your Christmas was a little better than mine

I thought about you Ladies and Angel Babies

 

[duckytwins]

Unfortunately I spent mine in the er

I'm sorry your Christmas was so hard. It's just so unfair. I'm glad it's over so next year can come and be better for us all!

 

[mhazzab]

Unfortunately I spent mine in the er

I'm sorry your Christmas was so hard. It's just so unfair. I'm glad it's over so next year can come and be better for us all!

sorry to hear you ended up in the ER, your okay now? (physically anyway) xx

 

[feeble]

Hugs to everyone x it's hard isn't it, I hope it gives you some piece of mind that future children will be a distraction from it. It doesn't take it away, but it does help divert the mind x

J was wonderful this Christmas but I spent a lot of time thinking about my angel x my heart goes out to all of you x x x