Don’t want DH to get sperm analysis

[lizzywiz]

Hi,
I’m new to b&b, but have been lurking for years. TTC for 5+ years, with breaks because I tend to get a bit crazy about it all. I have known for years that I have PCOS (skinny cyster) and thought I was prepared for infertility but as I get a closer to 35+ I realize that it is going to be devastating for me if it never happens.
I use to chart temps, cm, cp, etc., but I have just used CBFM for the last several months. It is easier to maintain balance with only one method; although, I still go through the hope -> disappointment->anger -> hope cycle every month. Sometimes I wonder what ‘normal’ feels like!
It is time to decide what we are willing to do for a baby re: medical intervention. I have been tested out the wazoo and the most obvious next step is for my husband to get a sperm analysis. The thing is that I don’t think I want him to…
I already know I ovulate irregularly and have other issues that affect our fertility and I don’t feel guilty or bad about it- it’s just biology, you know? But I have an inkling that if my husband has significant sperm problems that he will be very upset and that I might be upset, too- it would be hard to hear one more piece of bad news. Also, (and this is something I DO feel terrible about), what if I feel resentful about it? I know, totally unfair, as I KNOW it isn’t his fault, but I am afraid I might channel my bitterness that direction. Believe me, I realize this is very hypocritical and I am not proud of it.
We aren’t in a financial position to spend money on treatments (we are both teachers), so why stir up an emotional hornets’ nest for no reason?
Thoughts?
Anyone else experience worry about the fall out of a bad SA?

 

[star25]

Hi, i know how you feel, My story is this so far -
Im very irregular and always thought we would have trouble, but it would be down to me. However, my DH had an undescended testicle as a child and was operated on about 4-6 yrs old and weve only really just thought about this being a problem, just didnt realise it can cause infertility. He a SA nearly 3 months ago and we were told over the phone that the results 'werent very good' but we did not get exact numbers. I had already been given clomid for 3 months to hopefully get me to ovulate so we decided we would wait 3 months with my DH taking all his new vitamins and with us both been healthy as we can. I will then start the clomid and he will do another SA. We will then be referred to a FS but in the meantime ive got the clomid to try as I clearly don't ovulate anyway.
I know what you mean about it being biology, I can totally cope with it being me as the one with issues, ive always been irregular since I was 13 and expected to have trouble, I never thought about my DH having any issues of his own, it would be so much harder for us both to have infertility factors, I don't want him to feel bad and I understand what you say about the resentment, not in a bad way but I think I would be angry in general, just with life in general, all this is already so hard why does anyone deserve to have trouble in wanting a baby of their own and have things to be so difficult, do you have anymore apppointments booked?
I actually feel better the more i tackle this head on, i often bury my head in the sand but that never helps with anything, im ready now to fight back and whatever happens i know my DH and I will be there for each other, none of us asked for these troubles but its just something we have to deal with and the more we deal with it the less we will worry,
sorry for rambling and good luck!! xx

 

[star25]

ps) wevre been NTNP (Or as I call it, burying my head in the sand and being in denial) for 8 years and actually trying properly and going to dr for 8 months x

 

[lizzywiz]

Thanks for the understanding, Star. I feel guilty that I have any bad feelings about my husband's fertility (and I don't even know if there is a problem!)
I really want to handle all of these feelings re: infertility with more grace than I have.
No appts. for my husband yet. We have had a couple conversations but otherwise kept our heads planted firmly in the sand

 

[toch1402]

Hi Lizzywiz,

I can completely relate to what you are thinking. I am sure that his SA will be fine but if it is not, the thought of something can be worse than the reality and your actual emotions might surprise you.

I have endo and was told that 'if I wanted children I better get on with it'. That was ten years ago and I wasn't in any situation to have a baby. When my OH and I did start trying, we had been trying for about ten months when we started having testing. I always knew that because of my problems it might be a long journey for us and I could just about deal with the fact that it was my fault as I know that I would do anything to have a baby (I did feel guilty) BUT I did worry about my OH and what if it was him that was the problem and not me. Would he change his diet, lifestyle and take supplements - would he go to the lengths I would? I can completely relate to your comments

"what if I feel resentful about it? I know, totally unfair, as I KNOW it isn’t his fault, but I am afraid I might channel my bitterness that direction. Believe me, I realize this is very hypocritical and I am not proud of it."

So OH had his SA to tick a box - although it wasn't a tick as it came back with a very, very low sperm count with very few moving. We were told that we had hardly any chance of falling pregnant naturally. We were both devastated BUT I was also surprised at how I felt. I might have fleeting moments of feeling resentful (mainly because we put of having children for a couple of years because he wasn't ready) but in the main part I have felt that this is our problem and that we are in it together and that we will come through it together. I have to say that I am surprised that I felt this way. Also in trying to be positive, it also helps to know that we both may be broken as it takes the guilt away! We have now been referred straight for IVF/ICSI. I try to remain positive and think that we would have been waiting for a lot longer if it was just my endo that was the problem.

Hope this helps in some way?!

X

 

[bexxc]

hi lizzywiz,
i know exactly how you feel. i have pcos and i had been on clomid for 6 mo with no luck and we finally decided to have dh tested. i know this won't make you feel any better, but the news was pretty devastating. almost all of his counts were normal, but he only has 17% motility and his semen is too thick and doesn't liquify properly. as upsetting as it is, at least we know so we don't have to go through the monthly disappointment and the wondering why it didn't happen for us again. we're taking some time off to decide what we want to do...
sometimes i think it's best to know- even if it is bad.
good luck with everything!

 

[Soili]

When I found out I had PCOS and doctor wanted us to have both SA and HSG before we would have a chance to try Clomid, I firmly put my foot down and said that I don't wanna do either just yet. It's just way too much to take in. I needed to make my peace with not ovulating, then get to the mindset of trying to get things moving naturally (which is what I'm doing now) and only if everything fails, I will go for further testing. I actually said it straight to my DH at one point that I don't want him tested, because I don't think I can handle at the moment a possibility of any more bad news.

 

[star25]

I think when it comes down to doing the SA you may be relieved that your doing something productive, thats why im always on here or reasearching something or another and buying yet more vitamins to force down my poor DH! it makes me feel useful!

Its just a scary thought at the moment waiting for that outcome, my DH had his 1st SA at the start of june and since hearing the results werent good ive been worried ever since everyday, i just want 3 months to be gone so he can do it again and not take over an hr to get it to the lab this time!

Ive been in denial about needing help, you just want it to happen so badly naturally that you need to give yourself time, though admittedly ive given myself more time than most would!

Just remember you don't know know that theres a problem yet and the chances are everything will be fine and the sooner you can get some answers the sooner you will know the way forward, ive done enough worrying to last me a lifetime and now im ready to get things moving!

Good luck everyone xx

 

[lizzywiz]

“I was also surprised at how I felt. I might have fleeting moments of feeling resentful (mainly because we put of having children for a couple of years because he wasn't ready) but in the main part I have felt that this is our problem and that we are in it together and that we will come through it together.”
“i know exactly how you feel.”
“I don't want him tested, because I don't think I can handle at the moment a possibility of any more bad news. “
“Just remember you don't know that there’s a problem yet and the chances are everything will be fine.”
You guys said everything I needed to hear! Wow, I am just blown away by how supportive everyone’s replies are- I totally expected at least a few, ”Stop being an ignorant wench!” replies, which would definitely had their place.
Thanks for making me feel not alone.
DPO 3 and trying to keeep perspective.

 

[bexxc]

I totally expected at least a few, ”Stop being an ignorant wench!” replies, which would definitely had their place.

no way! there's nothing wrong with the way you feel! ttc is very emotional- especially when it turns out to be a longer, more difficult journey than you expected. no matter what you're feeling, there are always bunches of ladies around here who are right there with you!

 

[rachel_f_]

I have been trying to concieve for 4 years now... Had every test going!!! All clear... Partner had an SA, all clear.. So its unexplained infertility for me.. Which tortures me! In my opinion, the more answers you have, and the more understanding you have, equals more options for treatment! Which eventually means BABY!! Even if there was a problem with your husbands sperm, there are lots of treatments to help... Its a hard road.. But the end result would be so worthhh ittt!! A little miricle, and you troubles concieveing will make it all the more specail!!! Good luck and sending lots of baby dust and healthy sperm vibes to you xxxxxx

 

[SweetJennie]

I can completely understand the whole resentment thing. I have PCOS and as far as we were concerned it was all my fault. When I was try to talk to my OH about the possibility of it being him he would get very upset and remind me that it was my problems that were stopping us from conceiving. I changed my whole lifestyle and we talked about what we could do to work around my problems and what I needed to do. When my doc said he needed the SA and OH found out that he has a very very low count and low Motility I was devastated. It was another strike against us and I felt very resentful. I was mad for every time he reminded me the reason we didn't have a baby was because of my PCOS and I was mad he was so adamant he had no problems. I was angry that while I turned my whole life upside down he gave me a hard time for having to do something as simple as take a vitamin. So I completely understand your reluctance in wanting to have it done. One plus side is OH felt terrible after he got his results because the doc right away sent a referal to see the FS and told us because of OHs results IVF/ICSI were our only options. He realized how I felt all the time he was telling me it was my fault because the doctor turned the tables on him. It has def made him more understanding. I realize what ive typed makes OH seem horrible! He isn't at all. But i was very upset and resentful for quite some time.

 

[lizzywiz]

These responses are so helpful! You guys are right about more info being better. So I have a new question:
Did anybody’s partner get upset with their results? I mean, did he get depressed or embarrassed that his swimmers weren’t quite up to snuff? If so, how long did it bring him down?
That is my other concern- I don’t know if I have it in me to support him through this if the results throw him for a loop.
Baby fever has sucked me dry. Like I said on another thread, I really am quite nice and cheerful and I actually love and like my husband very much! You can’t tell from my posts, because that is the baby fever talking

 

[SweetJennie]

My OH became very sensitive about the issue. He is fine if I talk to people and tell them we are having problems and I have PCOS but he doesnt want it brought up that he has problems. For a while he felt like less of a man. We did manage to get pregnant naturally somehow but that ended with a miscarriage. After the miscarriage he done a complete 180. Before that he said if he couldn't biologically have a child he didn't want me having one. So he was very negative about the option of using donor sperm. After the miscarriage he told me he doesnt want to have to wait to have a child and he wants to go use donor sperm so we can be pregnant again sooner instead of later. I think now he understands he would be there going through the motions with me and there for every step and the child would be no less his then a biological child. He also talks much more freely about his problems and as long as I dont go shouting it from the roof tops he is ok with me telling people. I think he has gotten to the point where the end goal is more important then how we get their or what he has to do to have a child. Obviously we are not jumping on to donor sperm just yet as he was able to get me pregnant naturally but it nice to know he is sort of coming to terms with it all. We found out in Feb we were having problems and it was the end of July when I lost the baby and he seemed to finally accept the situation.

 

[bexxc]

These responses are so helpful! You guys are right about more info being better. So I have a new question:
Did anybody’s partner get upset with their results? I mean, did he get depressed or embarrassed that his swimmers weren’t quite up to snuff? If so, how long did it bring him down?
That is my other concern- I don’t know if I have it in me to support him through this if the results throw him for a loop.
Baby fever has sucked me dry. Like I said on another thread, I really am quite nice and cheerful and I actually love and like my husband very much! You can’t tell from my posts, because that is the baby fever talking

honestly, dh was devastated by the result. he feels horrible for putting me through all the months of clomid and injections and ultrasounds and turning my diet upside down without ever being tested himself. he's very upset and embarrassed about it...on the bright side, i don't have to nag him about taking his vitamins, eating healthier, or putting down the can of beer.

 

[lizzywiz]

Everything you guys are saying points to just getting it done and dealing with the outcome sooner than later. *sigh*
Even after 5+ years I still keep thinking it (infertility) will be easier than I thought...I also have to stay away from casinos because I truly believe I will win if I just bet one more time! Oh well, that same optimism helps on my bad days so I guess I should just embrace it.
Thanks again.

 

[rachel_f_]

In my case, OH sperm count and motility was normal... And this made him happier and all the more supportive of me! Which has made our relationship better! You could be worrying for nothing! Ur OH sperm may be normal! and if it is, you and him can concentrate on the options you could take... E.g clomid, IUI... There's loads of things! Good luck! Xxxxxxxxx

 

[star25]

Hi again lizzywiz, my DH is quite optimistic abiout his nxt SA, even tho we know the 1st one wasn't very good he thinks it was because he didnt get it there until dead on an hour and then we dont know how long it was before it was tested,

so at the moment hes quite willing to take all the vitamins i buy, although has said he thought we would save money by not drinking alcohol (not that were alcoholics or anything!) instead, were spending more on vitamins!
I'll try anything that helps us tho but just still so scared about the next SA, i don't want to get a bad result and then find myself in denial about the whole thing, even tho ive got to the point where i would rather know now,

its a scary process but we will all get there in the end, it may just take longer than others but oh how much we will appreciate it when we see our BFP's!!!
Good luck xxx

 

[wifeyw]

Hi lizzy, you can see my signature at the bottom but after i found out i had PCOS, i went off birth control etc. For 5 years nothing... It didn't cross my mind that anything could be wrong with my DH. But it was coming up to us getting married i had mentioned him get a SA before we got married so we can start fresh knowing if it was just me or both but we never and waited until after.

So when he did waiting on the results as horrible, to find out they found no sperm at all in his semen. so they repeated the results and same again. After DH got the result we done nothing only cry. He said he felt like less of a man, he was very angry confused as was i but i was trying to save his feelings. The thought of not being able to have a biological child i didn't even want to think of it. We never left the house that whole weekend, avoided people pregnant women especially we felt so low. I always kept my feelings inside and whenever DH was at work i broke down or when i went out i had alittle cry but i didn't in front of him because i didn't want him to feel even worse. He had even said to me to leave him because he couldn't give me what i wanted which i know was out of frustration but after we did a biopsy we found some sperm and have to go down the ICSI route but it has eased alot and we have come along way in a year to say the least.

I definately went through every emotion going. and DH too. But as scarey as it is, it is definately better to get it out the way so you can move on to the next step. Just need to focus on the goal ahead. someone said a quote in another forum which i thought was good. " to get to our destination we need to take it a step at a time, but we must keep steping" keep us posted on the results good luck x