Don't know what to do

[Amour]

Trying to keep this straight to the point, but I really need some advice and have no one I can speak to.

There is domestic violence in my marriage physical initially and since after DC has been born there has been no physical violence just DH and his anger and verbal abuse. When he's angry he's horrid and quite scary but as a whole I'm not generally scared of him. But he's a big, strong man and is very intimated when he's angry ( and it doesn't take much at that).

After a recent blow up I've said I'm leaving and I'm trying to make housing arrangements for my and DC. Now I'm reconsidering as I'm wondering what will be worst between staying or having to do the joint/ shared custody thing. I can't bear to think about not being with my baby everyday, I get worried about if in the future I go on to have other children my current child would be the odd one out, she may be the only one with her surname and will be the only one going off every now and then to her own dad, I worry the other children will get to have a mom and dad at home but she will only have me as her real parent.

Aside from these things I would actually love to separate from DH, things have been bad to medicore for a while now and I feel ready to move on.

First and foremost I want the best for my DC.

Any advice is greatly appreciated x

 

[moomin_troll]

I wouldn't want my child growing up in any kind of an abusive home, this is a horrible situation for ur child to be in, of course ur better off separated.
Sorry to sound harsh but it's true. I wouldn't want my son thinkin this is how man act or my daughter thinking this is how a woman should be treated.

As for custody, I don't believe any violent person should be allowed to be alone with a child. I'd seek supervised visitation.
Do a search for solicitors in ur area and see if u can get some free legal advise

 

[Beanonorder]

Due to some issues a while back I also considered leaving and I had the exact same thoughts about sharing custody and also what if I had another child.
Thankfully with a lot of effort the issues were sorted out.

But if there was any kind of abuse like you've said going on I would be out the door. Like the pp said, a child shouldn't have to grow up in that kind of environment. And sticking around for a childs sake is not a good enough reason. Your child is going to pick up on the fact that you don't want to be there and it could end up him/her having a lot of insecurity issues.
You need to provide a stable, supposrtive environment for your child and it doesn't sound like that is happening at the moment.

Make a record of the violence (both physical and mental) your husband has shown so when you do the custody arrangement you can fight for supervised visits or something.
But mostly, please don't stay in a relationship you don't want to be in because you think it will be better for your child. In the long run it won't be.

 

[Amour]

Thanks for the advice ladies. I've just heard of cases where even violent partners become entitled to unsupervised/ overnights and sometimes even shared custody. The thoughts makes my blood run cold.

Any other advice greatly appreciated.

 

[moomin_troll]

If you couldn't trust him to have ur child alone then u sure as hell shouldn't be married to him

 

[babybaillie]

I was in the same situation as you and i left. it kills me to hand my children over now. Missing out on birthdays/christmas etc. If i could have done something to stay and keep my family together i would have. Have you tried writing him a letter explaining how you feel? Would he be open to mediation?

 

[messica]

Honestly, I know exactly where you're at OP. I'm so very sorry you're stuck in this position and I sympathize with you so so very much

I'm not sure where you're located but in the United States violence against a spouse doesn't usually have anything to do with parental rights. Unless it's extreme bodily harm, or actually involves the child, the two are completely separate issues. Yes it's sick, and sad, but it is what it is. If you leave he may very well still be entitled to the exact same rights to your child that a non-abusive partner has.

For that reason, I stayed until my children were old enough to make a "safety" plan. They knew how to work a phone to dial 911, knew how and when to run for help, and knew that if anything happened on his watch that they needed to tell me regardless of any threats or promises made by him. Thankfully his propensity for violence stopped with me and he has yet to hurt them physically, but a lot of times it does come down to that before court mandates supervised visitation or revokes the right altogether.

I absolutely waited to leave him until they had some ability to protect themselves and I don't care if that sounds horrible.

Until you've actually lived it it is never as black and white as it seems to just up and leave.......I understand.

Prayers that you find your way safely to a better life someway, somehow, and whenever that time comes.



The rest of your concerns about maybe someday forming a blended family I can assure you aren't nearly as significant as you think

 

[moomin_troll]

Wow messica, how heart breaking to read how you've prepared your children let alone for you having to have that sort of conversation.

Luckily for me when my mum left my abusive father he was never bothered with seeing us and never has

 

[messica]

Wow messica, how heart breaking to read how you've prepared your children let alone for you having to have that sort of conversation.

Luckily for me when my mum left my abusive father he was never bothered with seeing us and never has

I thankfully was able to find my way (secretly) to a women's shelter, who referred me to a wonderful therapist who guided me and my children through the process of forming a safety plan. The way she introduced the topic was neutral, so it didn't make them anymore scared of him than they already were. That was 6ish years ago.

I still cringe when I have to send them off, and pray the entire time they're gone, but at least I know we're all as prepared for the worst as we possibly can be.

I can't wait until they turn of age to petition the courts to end visitation on their own (in another year or two).

 

[Amour]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all perspectives. I guess my scenario isn't as dreadful as it could be as I don't fear the safety of my child whom he loves, it's just me.

 

[Amour]

Honestly, I know exactly where you're at OP. I'm so very sorry you're stuck in this position and I sympathize with you so so very much

I'm not sure where you're located but in the United States violence against a spouse doesn't usually have anything to do with parental rights. Unless it's extreme bodily harm, or actually involves the child, the two are completely separate issues. Yes it's sick, and sad, but it is what it is. If you leave he may very well still be entitled to the exact same rights to your child that a non-abusive partner has.

For that reason, I stayed until my children were old enough to make a "safety" plan. They knew how to work a phone to dial 911, knew how and when to run for help, and knew that if anything happened on his watch that they needed to tell me regardless of any threats or promises made by him. Thankfully his propensity for violence stopped with me and he has yet to hurt them physically, but a lot of times it does come down to that before court mandates supervised visitation or revokes the right altogether.

I absolutely waited to leave him until they had some ability to protect themselves and I don't care if that sounds horrible.

Until you've actually lived it it is never as black and white as it seems to just up and leave.......I understand.

Prayers that you find your way safely to a better life someway, somehow, and whenever that time comes.



The rest of your concerns about maybe someday forming a blended family I can assure you aren't nearly as significant as you think

Such an eye opener. Thank you for sharing your story. I love the resilience us women have. Praying for you and your family. I just know the love and respect that your children must have for you!!

 

[Amour]

I was in the same situation as you and i left. it kills me to hand my children over now. Missing out on birthdays/christmas etc. If i could have done something to stay and keep my family together i would have. Have you tried writing him a letter explaining how you feel? Would he be open to mediation?

I'm sorry to hear this, as this is part of what I dread to think about.

I've explained it to him and in his non angered state he understands. It's just when he gets angry he's a totally different man it's scary.

 

[messica]

Such an eye opener. Thank you for sharing your story. I love the resilience us women have. Praying for you and your family. I just know the love and respect that your children must have for you!!

You are too kind my dear

Just so you know, although it took a lot of time and healing, I did move on. I'm remarried to a man who loves me and adores my children as if they were his own....not a scary bone in his body and I can finally sleep well again after decades of fearing when and where my ex might fly off the handle.

Even though going through the muck of starting over was devastatingly difficult you can do it and it IS worth it. We are safer, and my children now have a wonderful role model in him. Everything isn't perfect of course with their every other weekend absences but it's so sooooo much better than it was before.

My kids anyway are thrilled with the idea of my husband and I adding to our family. I grew up in a blended family and never thought of my sisters as "half," I know my kids wouldn't either which is one of the reasons why we are trying as hard as we are.

Feel free to pm me if you ever need a shoulder

 

[Amour]

Such an eye opener. Thank you for sharing your story. I love the resilience us women have. Praying for you and your family. I just know the love and respect that your children must have for you!!

You are too kind my dear

Just so you know, although it took a lot of time and healing, I did move on. I'm remarried to a man who loves me and adores my children as if they were his own....not a scary bone in his body and I can finally sleep well again after decades of fearing when and where my ex might fly off the handle.

Even though going through the muck of starting over was devastatingly difficult you can do it and it IS worth it. We are safer, and my children now have a wonderful role model in him. Everything isn't perfect of course with their every other weekend absences but it's so sooooo much better than it was before.

My kids anyway are thrilled with the idea of my husband and I adding to our family. I grew up in a blended family and never thought of my sisters as "half," I know my kids wouldn't either which is one of the reasons why we are trying as hard as we are.

Feel free to pm me if you ever need a shoulder

@messica your the best! Thank you