Due date is coming up 2/15/12

[DodgerLove]

I lost my first Son Elijah Aiden, 5 months ago (9/9/11) at only 17wks2days. My loss was categorized as a "spontaneous abortion" pathology report didn't really give a specific reason as to why. Fetus was in tact, everything was developing correctly. He was a baby just really tiny, fingernails were starting to form & his little ears still had more developing to do. He had long little legs, nurses thought I was further along than 17wks because he was so well developed already. I still remember every detail of that awful morning & its been replaying alot in my mind lately. What kills me more is not knowing why it happened, knowing that he was perfectly fine in his development leaves me with questions I'll never have answers to. That same day after all the tragedy, I had learned that the little person that was growing inside me & that I couldn't wait to hold in my arms one day was my SON. I held a Memorial service for him Oct 1st, which was really beautiful, I read a letter I had written to him, maybe I'll post it on here some other time. From time to time I pull up that letter & read it & everytime I do I end in tears like the day of his service.

I never really gathered the courage to come on here & post my story, felt I wasn't ready to share just yet. But now that I find my would have been due date creeping up in the next days, I don't know what to do. The last 5 months I've been pretty good at dealing with the pain, I think so atleast. Now I just find myself in tears when I see babies, the thought of a Mother holding & caressing her child breaks me up inside, because that should have been me! This all feels like a bad dream, still waiting to be woken up in time to hold my babyboy in my arms & hear his cries.

The people in my life haven't made it any easier either, they're too scared to talk about my situation, afraid that they might hurt me all over again. Others have avoided me all these months for the same reason. Aside from that I feel I'm not allowed to show emotions in regards to my loss, so I'm forced to keep my emotions, feelings & anger bottled up, the only time I can truly grieve is at bedtime finding some sort of comfort in my pillows. I've never felt so lost in my life. I don't need anyone to tell me "it's gonna be okay" or "God will bless you with more babies" ..why can't people understand that I wanted THIS baby?! All I want is for people to hold my hand & walk with me through this painful journey. I need somebody to talk to, maybe somebody that has been through this would be more helpful rather than a person who has never had to face this (lucky for them.) I need help on facing Feb 15th.

How did you cope with your due date?



Mommy loves & misses you so much Eli, even though I only carried you for 4 months you taught me how to love in the most beautiful & unconditional way. It wasn't until you came along that I truly felt TRUE LOVE for the first time in my life. I love you Peanut.

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

I am so sorry for your loss hun I have never been through this so I can not imagine the pain you must be feeling. I hope the ladies here can give you some help with coping with your little mans up coming due date. Your in my thoughts hun huge hugs Sleep tight little one x

 

[Andypanda6570]

I feel the same as you and our situation is so similar I am so deeply sorry for your loss your feelings are so normal believe me.

I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, i gave birth in my home and we buried her on 3/11/2011. I have no reason why I lost her except I was 40 when I got pregnant with her by total accident. I already have 3 healthy boys 20,17 and 11 and never imagined I would loose a baby. It has been over 11 months since she passed and it has taken me this long to try to get back to normal. At night like you is the only time i find peace I pray to her and cry to her. The only person I have to talk to really is my best friend. All my family ever said was you need to move on , I know that but you really never move on you just get used to this new normal. Nobody understands us and sometimes it seems they are being cruel. I will never get over Ava, never. I will miss that baby till the day i die You are not alone and your feeling are SOOSO normal . It takes time to get through this and be able to get to a place where you are ok, each of us reach that road at different times. They do say it takes 1 year to get though the sadness and come to terms with things, i do believe that to be true.'
I am here if you ever need to talk or whatever, just know you are never alone..
XOXOXOXOO ANdrea

 

[4.26.08]

I am so sorry for your loss I lost my first 2 weeks ago from today at 14wk2d. I feel your pain.......they can not tell me why I went into preterm labor. Baby's development was right on point and her little heart was beating away It's so hard not knowing. Our mother instincts kick in right away and all you want to do is protect your LO. I am left here feeling like I failed her, which is really hard to deal with.

I am no where near my EDD, but I can imagine how difficult this week must be for you. However, I know exactly how you feel when you say I WANTED this baby! I finally told my mom think of something happening to your first born, and ppl telling you its ok you have other children. I know thats a little different but thats how I feel. So just know that you are not alone when you see other mother's, babies, and pregnant bellies and feel that tug at your heart.

As far as the ppl around you, tell them. Tell them how you feel! Say hold my hand and help me. One thing I have learned during this situation is that it is ok to ask for help. Just think you would be there for them if the tables where turned. I think this is an awkward subject for most ppl bc they are so scared to say the wrong thing. Either way, there are some AMAZING women on this site that offer kinds works and support that comes from the heart and experience. Sometimes, like you stated, talking to someone who truly gets you may be the best help for you

I will be thinking of you and your little angel this week. I hope you find some peace after this week.

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry for your loss of little Elijah Aiden- what a gorgeous name. I never got an answer for my premature labour either. there was nothing wrong with my daughters , and it just kills me when I think that they were so perfect, but my body failed them.

I still get upset at the thought of babies, and mothers with their newborns, it makes me so sad because I should have had that by now.

I work in a big company, and since I have been back at work (3 months now) have spoken to a lot of people who knew I lost my babies. I was just saying to my OH today that someone who I hadn't spoken to since I came back had come up and said how sorry he was to hear what had happened, he's only the third person out of everyone to bring it up, everyone else either avoids me or pretends it never happened and it makes me so sad. Some of my friends ask about my daughters and it makes me happy to talk about them, but not many people ask.

Please dont bottle up your feelings, if you have nobody in real life to talk to, there's a great support network on here, there's always someone to talk to.

As for my due date, mine actually fell on International Baby Loss Day (october 15th). For this, they ask people to light candles for all the angel babies. I posted a message about the day on FaceBook, and lots of my friends lit candles in honour of my girls, and posted pictures. It made me feel so very loved, when up until then it felt like nobody cared. My husband had to work on the day, and just couldnt get the day off, so, the day before, we spent the day together, visited where we scattered their ashes, and went for a walk along the canal, and a drive in the countryside. it felt peaceful. On october 16 I woke up and felt at peace, I'd been dreading the day so much it was a big relief when it was over.

i am glad you found this forum, I can honestly say that the women in here saved me. I can talk about my daughters, my anger, grief and they listen. I can't tell you how much it has helped.

sending you and little Elijah all the love in the world xxx

 

[amanda83]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the feelings you described above all too well, most of the people in my life avoid what has happened as well, afraid they will upset me or make me cry, little do they know I yearn to talk about our son, I want people to know how perfect and beautiful he was, and how lost I feel without him

I actually celebrated out sons due date yesterday. I think I put so much thought and emotion into building up to yesterday, that when it actually arrived it was ok. I thought I would be a complete mess of emotions, but it was incredibly peaceful. Myself and my husband went to church, went to dinner, released some balloons for him above the ocean, and just spent the day together Friends who remembered texted me, overall it was really low key and beautiful.

I thought about it last night and wondered why it went so smooth, the reason I believe was that we already faced the worst day of our lives, they day our little angels left earth. Nothing will ever compare to the pain we felt that day, or at least I don't think it will. I was really hoping I would be pregnant again by his due date, but I'm not and I was still able to cope.

I wish you all the best, stay strong on Wednesday and remember that your little angel is looking down on you xo

 

[OliveBay]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Elijah and am thinking about you today on your due date. I'm sad that sad circumstances mean you've had to join us here, but I'm glad that you've found this place - its really is a great place to get support from people who know what you have been through and what emotions you are feeling.

My baby died unexpectedly and all the results were rather inconclusive, although his cord was very over-coiled which they think played a part. I was told by my consultant that in a way having no specific reason for the loss could be considered a good result, as it was maybe just one of those awful random things that shouldn't happen again. Sometimes that brings me comfort, but other times it feels like such an unfair game of chance.

My due date passed a few weeks ago and I have found myself much more relaxed and happy since, like a bit more of that weight and sadness has been lifted from my shoulders. But I will never stop thinking about my little boy. He will always be my first child and I will always wonder what he would have been like when he was older. No other child will ever replace him, and there will always be part of my heart that carries some sadness for him. However, I am now at the stage where I can look back on my pregnancy with fondness and my husband and I talk about the funny times, like how he always used to kick around teatime, and how we have him a little nickname. Its taken a long time to get to this stage but now we are able to be so thankful for our little boy and I can think about him with a smile on my face rather than with a tear in my eye.

I still find it difficult being around babies and pregnant friends, some of whom are more understanding about this than others. To be honest, I'm past caring about if they are annoyed that I'm avoiding them a bit more and am just making sure that I continue to protect myself for as long as I need to, because as much as they try, I know they can't possibly understand how I feel. I do have a couple of friends who I can talk to about my baby and we certainly did a lot in the early days, but now I don't feel the need to as often.

Sorry for rambling on so much! I just wanted to send you some words of comfort and support, and I really hope you find some peace and happiness soon. Take care of yourself

 

[SabrinaKat]

I wasn't as far long as you (7-8wks), but the due date was 17 March 2010 (St. Patrick's Day!) and my SIL decided to hold the christening for her child a few days later (growl!)-- my OH took me away for a long weekend (we didn't go to the christening) and we said a few words in memory, which helped.

Perhaps you could set off a chinese lantern? Plant a tree? Do something really nice for yourself (a manicure? a pedicure? lunch out with friends?)....

It will be a hard day, but you WILL survive....

best wishes