Dying to be honest (living children mentioned)

[roadrunner]

I am so glad I found you, but I am sorry for the circumstances. I wrote a post yesterday but since it took me all day long to get it done on my phone in between cases, I had been logged out and lost it. So I am trying again today.

For so long I have wanted to be able to talk about this without the awkwardness that comes from talking with people who actually know me.

My journey with loss began in October 2000. Since that time we have had several more losses with a couple of joys mixed in. One of those joys was born at 29 weeks after a very complicated pregnancy. I am happy to say that he has done very well although we do still struggle with some lasting effects of his traumatic beginnings. We also were able to have another baby who is almost two-years-old. We are so very thankful and we do not take our living children for granted...not for one minute.

Most recently we lost a baby last April and another last September. With each loss I think my grief has morphed into something different than it was at first. I still keep track of dates and I still wonder what might have been. I still cry sometimes. Mostly there is this gnawing that never goes away. It is as if I am hungry for something and I just cannot be satisfied. Lately though I find myself very hurt and frustrated by people who just do not understand.

I am one year away from being an OBGYN. It seems like the medical community is fond of trying to sterilize raw emotion by wrapping it in medical jargon and statistics. Patients do not like it we when do that to them, and I don't like it to be done to me either. I do not feel like I can talk with any of my colleages and be allowed to grieve. It is as if the expectation is there that I will censor myself with all of the medical rhetoric. The truth is that I am having a difficult time wrapping my head around all that I feel concerning my own pregnancies and fertility and losses.

On the other hand many times when I am reading about miscarriage, there is often a lot of hostility directed toward the doctors, often understandably so. But I fear that I am viewed as a part of the "enemy" camp. I guess I feel there is no where to turn...

Anyway, I will end here...doesn't seem like a great introduction....

Thank you for listening.

 

[Shelby2007]

Welcome to the BnB. It is a wonderful site.. with wonderful ladies. Im so sorry for all the you have been through.. you have had some blessings along the way as well. My mmc happened in february.. and still 3 months later I find myself crying.. or reaching for my belly that should be there. And until you have gone through this.. you have no clue..

My OBGYN has actually been through a miscarriage.. and she was wonderful throughout the whole thing.. and even now.. she always brings up my twin babies.. so that we never forget (not that we would).. but everyone else seems to forget about them.. or is afraid to talk about them..

I wish you luck on your journey as an OBGYN.. and believe that you will be sensational at it because you have walked a mile in my shoes.. and back.. Thanks for your post..

 

[Jkelmum]

A sad but warm welcome to BnB the girls ere here are a great support xx

 

[Mynxie]

sorry to read about your losses. It must be very difficult for you doing your training and job.

 

[Barneyboo]

I am so sorry for all of your losses! I agree with Shelby you will be wonderful because you will understand the pain and hurt and the forever seemimg to go in circles and never getting anywhere!

I am now pregnant for the 4th time after 3 losses, I have 1 son who is now 5 and like you I still go through the dates and what would have been and sometime just feel completly lost but this forum is brilliant - just when you think you are alone in the world with your thoughts and feelings you realise you are no different than any other women who has had a loss on here....

I have had mixed experiences with my DR's some like you said just want to throw statistics at me and tell me that its so common to have a loss and basically to pull myself together when all you want to know is WHY WHY WHY and HELP HELP HELP some one just listen to me PLEASE hear my pain.

I do feel now I have found a wonderful gynae who not only listens and understands makes me feel that we will have another baby and that we are not alone...

Big hugs we will always be here to listen and talk whenever you feel like it.

Take care x x x x

 

[roadrunner]

Thank you all for your posts and your encouragement. I think I live in some sort of denial because I go along thinking I am doing fine but miscarriage and loss has become such a part of my life...I think about it all the time. I sometimes feel like I have said it all...I have cried and grieved and questioned...yet I still feel undone. So, I don't that I really have anything earth-shattering to say, I just want to be with people who understand this ache for our little ones gone too soon.
I feel like I must be crazy or something. I long so badly to try one more time. I want to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby...yet with my schedule being what it is and all that I have in front of me with graduation and working the hours I will be...I must be nuts.
I wonder if I am just continuing to try to dull that ache in my arms...

 

[eclipse]

You know what? You are going to be fantastic at your job as an OB because you've been there. You've seen the joy, you've seen the heartache, you've had the premature birth and complications. Empathy is desperately needed in your field. I am truly blessed with the best team of OB/GYN's possible.

As for yourself, with your schedule and learnings, have you actually ever taken the time to truly grieve? Maybe you need that. I understand the need and want to have a healthy pregnancy and baby, but maybe you need to process the others first. You are not crazy, you are just grieving. I'm here if you ever want to talk.