"early attachment: Why our culture is so against it." YOUR THOUGHTS?

[BintUmmi]

Was wondering what you mamas think about this article, I found it quite interesting.

https://mothering.com/all-things-mo...culture-is-so-against-it#.UCt4SXhL7xQ.twitter

I'm not looking for a fight was just interested in opinions and whether you agree/disagree & why.

Alot of it does make sense for me, but I am not sure if that's because it is reflective of the way that I parent so was interested in other views from mothers who might parent differently to me if they feel the same about the ways in which we are pressured for our children to be more independant and that dependancy is seen as a bad thing.

 

[the why bird]

Whilst there were a few points that I agree with in there, I felt the tone was preachy and judgmental. It seemed to forget that babies aren't raised in a vacuum. Mothers have always had other obligations alongside tending to their babies. I dunno, it just seemed a bit too blamey and oh-how-modern-society-is-evil.

I never let my baby cry it out, and since she's not able to breastfeed I'm still exclusively pumping at nearly eight months. We feed on demand, respond to every cry etc - so it's not that I disagree with the parenting methods advocated, but rather the way the writer seems to be looking down on people.

I truly believe that the vast majority of parents do the very best they can for their kids, and sometimes they do things that might not be their first choice because they have to. A lot of mothers have no choice but to offer 'inferior milk' or spend time apart from their babies. A lot of mothers throughout history have had to do the same things.

 

[Saphira]

I completely disagree with this article. It's very 'one way is the better way' written. Mainly the breastfeeding aspect bothers me -

Why, when we mothers have perfectly good working breasts, do we use an inferior milk product, fake teats and a plastic receptacle to feed our babies?

What about those of us who don't have so called "perfectly working breasts"? I was given a choice. Starve my daughter in hopes breastfeeding just may end up working out, or give her some much needed food. It was Christmas time, the lactation consultant wasn't in at the hospital for another week and the midwife visiting us at home helped minimally and was always rushed to leave. I'm also sick of seeing the word inferior written when it comes to formula feeding. Some people need to feel better about themselves when such comments are written.
I made the right decision for my daughter.

Why are we encouraged to use cots and prams and other ‘mother eplacements’ rather than hold our children close day and night?

My daughter disliked being baby carried and would whine and cry to get out after 5-10mins. Have tried since she was 2 months old. She's tolerated the back carry for a half an hour max., which we started when she was around 7 months old but still much prefers her stroller. Not all babies want to be connected to mom or dad all day.

The fact that our baby lives and grows on our milk means they are still dependent on us for life and development. Breastfeeding demands of us a greater commitment and responsibility than bottle-feeding.

Not true. My daughter only takes a bottle from me and tolerates it from her dad only with the first morning feed. I haven't left her with anyone else since she was 4 months old. She's only been left with her grandparents and my sister a handful of times before that. Bottle feeding hasn't made me feel any less connected to her or thinking, yes now I have freedom. Not at all.

Formula and baby foods were not invented to provide our babies with food that was better than our milk, but rather to allow us to not have to breastfeed so we can do other things. More important things apparently.

Again, what about the moms who couldn't successfully breastfeed or who must go back to work 6 weeks later without the option to pump there?

The sleep training part is also silly to me because she's judging how things should work for all babies when in some cases controlled crying and even in more extreme cases crying it out is all that works when it comes to an otherwise overtired baby whose wellbeing is suffering with such a lack of sleep. I won't judge parents in these cases because that's really unfair. Why should those who have taken desperate measures be continually kicked when they're already down?

Those are my thoughts on the article anyway.

 

[Hooblet]

I can understand what the article is saying about ignoring your instincts as a mother - I have certainly felt pressure from others to leave my LO to cry it out but have resisted it because it just feels like the wrong choice for him.

I must say though that I am disappointed to find yet another article that talks about breastfeeding in this way: 'Why, when we mothers have perfectly good working breasts, do we use an inferior milk product, fake teats and a plastic receptacle to feed our babies?'. Actually, some of us (myself included) are desperate to breastfeed and unfortunately it doesn't work out for one reason or another. In my case my son simply wouldn't feed, and it got to the point where he was in hosp. because his blood sugar was far too low and he became jaundiced before we gave in and used a bottle. I don't think my being unable to directly breastfeed him has impacted on his attachment to me - I have always felt that the action of holding my baby close and providing nourishment has established our bond, whether it be through my breast or a bottle held next to my breast.

I would prefer to see an article that championed women's right to parent in a way that suits both them and their child. Every woman and every baby is different, and I think women should be able to make their own informed choices without being made to feel guilty by one camp or another.

I just felt that while this article had some interesting points, the tone was a bit 'let's make women who don't do this feel bad', which was a shame.

 

[the why bird]

I'm so glad you read it the same way I did Saphira - I was struggling to articulate why it bothered me.

The thing is, even when a baby does sleep relatively well, the mother doesn't have to go back to work and the breastfeeding is working out, how many mothers can honestly say they can do this perfectly? Even with a textbook baby there are other things going on in life - food needs to be bought and prepared, the house needs to be cleaned (at least to a minimum standard), other kids need tending to, people get sick, the rest of the household needs clothing and so on... implying that we're defective as mothers for putting baby down in their crib is ridiculous. And I don't think this is a problem isolated to our modern society. Do you think that mothers did all of this 500, 1000, 5000 years ago? Or were they also doing the best they can to juggle all of their commitments and do their best for their babies?

I'm sure some parents do indeed relish the thought of 'freedom' from their babies and base most of their decisions on their own convenience, but honestly, every mother I know is doing everything they can to give their family the best start possible. And sometimes that does mean putting baby down or using bottles and formula. Even if that might not be the ideal or their first choice. Because the wellbeing of the other members of the family matters too.

Once more for the record: I dont disagree with the parenting style. I do disagree with criticizing others for not managing it or making a different choice.

 

[Lizzie K]

Once more for the record: I dont disagree with the parenting style. I do disagree with criticizing others for not managing it or making a different choice.

This is how I feel, too. I pretty much fall under this parenting style, but I have never liked criticizing anyone else for the choices they make as a parent, unless they are knowingly putting their children in danger. For my children and me, breastfeeding, cosleeping, natural births, and delayed vaccinations is best. But I will never say anything against women who choose different. Everyone has to find what works best for their families and not try to conform to anyone else's ideal.

 

[Kristin52]

I read the one quote about fake teats and alternative milk products and decided to not even bother.
Coming from a woman who had NO milk supply, I find that right there to be completely disgusting and won't be bothered to read the rest.

 

[mommy0629]

I don't like the "tone" of the article either, particularly the breastfeeding part, but I do get and agree with the main idea of what she's saying. We all have different circumstances and do what we need to do for our families, but I do think that society puts pressure on mothers to conform.

Most people are SHOCKED when I tell them I'm a SAHM We make major sacrifices (we have one used car instead of two newer ones, a small old house etc.) because I'm a firm believer in being with my children all day. Not condeming anyone who uses daycare and works, it's just how I feel. I also homeschool my 7 year old. People think I'm nuts lol. How could you homeschool one child and take care of a baby??? Umm, it's my job and I love it I seriously get looked at weird and have to almost defend my decissions that I feel are perfectly normal and natural. I get told "you can't shelter your childer" Really?? I'm their mom, I thought that was my job

This is just modern society talking, we're supposed to put our kids in daycare and run off to work and then told not to feel guilty when our child is screaming and crying for us not to leave them with a stranger all day. "Oh, she just has seperation anxiety, she'll outgrow it. It's good for her to get used to other people." Again, nothing against those who HAVE to do this, but I think way too often it's just what's expected and not enough parents stop to think about alternatives. Society can brainwash you, it really can.

So, generally speaking, I "get" it for sure. I think it could have been written a little less agressively though.

 

[summer rain]

I agree with mommy0629, the number one thing I hear is 'you're making life too hard for yourself by [insert as appropriate BF/homeschooling/not putting kids in one room from day one/staying at home with the kids...]. While it is of course every woman's right to choose not to BF, and I am not talking about those who were unable to BF, it is of concern that this society has promoted the idea that BF is abnormal, unnatural and impossibly hard work and a lot of mum's are choosing not to BF for such reasons and often it's not entirely a free choice but follows on from a lot of pressure from others. If I had a penny for every lady I'd spoken to who a few weeks down the line said actually she did want to BF but was convinced by mum/MIL/OH/MW/HV etc that it was too difficult and later on this mum sorely regretted her decision made essentially, under duress, I'd be a rich woman indeed xx

 

[vintage67]

I just can't believe that a book publisher has greenlighted another book such as this one. Who is reading this stuff? If you're doing this already, then it's a literary/intellectual circle jerk to read in smug satisfaction, and if you are not doing these things are you some sort of masochist to buy a book like this? I just don't get it. Poorly and simplisticly written. The world and certainly parenting, are not black and white.

 

[summer rain]

The same could be said for any parenting book could it not? I've read quite a few 'parent/routine-led' books that have made me feel like an epic failure, now I just don't read them xx

 

[pinksapphire]

Whilst I agree with some things I disagree with others. Ignoring her bf comments as I don't want to get into bf v ff. from my personal experience my parenting had differed with both children due to their differing personalities. With my eldest daughter I very much had an attachment parenting approach. She hated her pram and was carried everywhere, bed shared for a longtime. Napped on me until she dropped her daytime naps and still comes into bed a couple of times a week.
With my youngest once her reflux was sorted she wanted to sleep on her own and hated being carried but loves her pushchair. If I put her into bed with us now to sleep she screams until she is put into her cot. I have been very much baby led and do what works for each child.

 

[Jaylynne]

I find her attitude very condescending. Not everyone has the ability or means to parent her way. Especially the "why" questions that make it sound so obvious that her way is the right way and others are inferior and are swayed by the whims of the world or other "failed" parenting concepts if they don't do early attachment.

I'm glad it worked in her world. I'd love to see her do the same in mine. Preemie baby, sick mom on drugs unable to breastfeed the first few days to recover, then 7 months of exclusively pumping using the inferior bottles, oh did I mention I had to use the plastic rubber nipples called a pacifier to get his suck reflex working? Then HUGE growth spurt so I spent 2 weeks nonstop on the pump and took fenugreek til my vagina smelled like syrup but not enough milk to satisfy him. So yes, I use the inferior milk substitute. And you know what? He's thriving. The only thing I feel guilty about is that I didn't notice his tongue and lip tie earlier. That's it. Not that we use a crib or a stroller. Or whether he's formula or breastfed. I'm seriously thinking of taking the breastfeeding champion blinkie down due to the judgements. I would never dream of putting others down. She should be ashamed at her tone.

People take parenting to the extremes. The only one that should be judging is the baby. If the baby is safe, loved, fed and happy- guess what- you're doing it right.

 

[OmarsMum]

I don't agree with the article, it might work in a perfect world but it doesn't work for everyone.

I didn't have any milk to BF, my son was suffering from reflux so he needed a dummy to regulate his reflux. I didn't have "perfectly good working breasts"

Omar hated bed sharing when he was a baby, but he moved to our bed full time at 14 months (we still bedshare), we followed his lead, he doesn't go to nursery as I don't have to go to work/ college. We never sleep trained but again, I cope well with lack of sleep but many mums get distressed when they are sleep deprived, so they do need to sleep train.

My friend have premie twins, then she had a baby after 13 months. She had to leave one or two kids to cry to settle the others. Bed sharing was out of question, she needed her sleep for her sanity as she works full time. She had to leave the twins with a nanny & send the baby to a nursery. She can't afford to stay at home. She combi fed all her kids.

I don't judge others for their parenting choices, i respect their choices as long as their kids are well fed, clean & happy. this is why I avoid reading articles about parenting styles, I never came across any similar article that is not judgmental.

All of us as parents have a lot to deal with, the last thing we need is an article that question our parenting or try to make us feel guilty about our choices.

 

[Tiff]

I'll never understand any sort of article that looks down on other people and their parenting. I personally don't care WHAT the topic is. Pro or Con whatever the heck the hot topic of the moment is, we are all doing the best we can.

I'll never get the need to make another mother feel inferior or guilty or looked down on for her choices. It bugs me that BOTH sides of any debate feel that way! It is freaking HARD being a parent, IMHO we should all be building each other up rather than finding ways to take potshots at others who do things differently and tearing them down.

Messed up mentality to me.

 

[BintUmmi]

Thank you for all your replies, I think I definitley read if completely differently to everyone else!

When I was reading it I was more focussed on the idea of dependancy/independance that I think the rest of it went over my head a little maybe.

I agree that just because you are writing a 'pro' article doesn't mean that you need to bring down the otherside/different styles of parenting to make your point and definitley there is no one size fits all for parenting.

 

[vintage67]

This lady missed the boat years ago. She's late to the party. A day late and a dollar short. Her ship has sailed.

This is written as thought it's 1955 or so and all the pediatricians are telling you to put your baby on a schedule. Has anyone who has had a baby lately been told that? Who is against all these things? There was a mighty steamer ship sailing to hop on and write a book like this. She missed it years ago. Now you're just going to be "preaching to the choir" or a congratulatory circle jerk as I mentioned earlier, or you're just going to be making someone angry and resentful that didn't have 3 years of paid maternity leave or a wealthy husband or whose breasts weren't "in perfect working order."

Parenting is about soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more than the baby days! I have been through a lot of things with my 8 year old; bullying at school, rejection of friends, him falling in love with a little girl, making class projects together, leaving that first lost tooth under the pillow, the thrill of putting together his new bunk bed, soccer practice, golf lessons, tennis lessons, hours of music classes, carting him all over town to his extracurricular activities, etc. We've sacrificed vacations, paying into retirement, new clothes, and sooooooooooooooooooooooo much more, to send him to private school and me stay home and be devoted to him and his life. My whole life revolves around my children. Always has from the day the first was born. And we didn't bed share, wasn't able to breastfeed, and he cried plenty with colic. Didn't babywear. I have a terrible back. Used a stroller, playpen and a swing.

If my 8 year old were any more affectionate and loving with me, someone would probably call social services as he kisses me on the lips and unabashedly declares his love for me in public and private, holds my hand, and we lay on the couch together arm in arm every Saturday morning watching cartoons.

So, sorry, but this author, who arrived at the "bashing party of any parent who doesn't pass her AP exam", can bite me.

 

[pinkpolkadot]

This lady missed the boat years ago. She's late to the party. A day late and a dollar short. Her ship has sailed.

Agreed, seems to echo the sentiments of (and unwanted advice regularly dished out by) my parents' generation rather than this one!

 

[summer rain]

Many doctors in the US and the HVs in the UK do still advise putting babies on a strict schedule though, its pretty widespread just look at all the threads on the subject in baby club etc. xx

 

[Jaylynne]

Many doctors in the US and the HVs in the UK do still advise putting babies on a strict schedule though, its pretty widespread just look at all the threads on the subject in baby club etc. xx

I've been through quite a bit of drs with LO and none ever advocated a schedule. 4 pediatricians, 2 lactation consultants, 2 surgeons (who weirdly asked his eating habits ) and 3 NICU drs all who made sure I knew that LO will make his own schedule and to feed when hungry and it's easier to go with the flow than force a schedule with eating and sleeping. I'm sure it happens, but I've never come across it.