Early miscarriage. I feel so lost.

[roodles]

I don't know who else to talk to.

My period was late this month, and then I had very abnormal bleeding and various other symptoms. I did initially worry I was miscarrying, but convinced myself it must not be. As the bleed got increasingly abnormal I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. After a while I did another one and it was fainter but still positive. My husband and I feel sure that I am having/have had an early miscarriage.

I am devastated. I have two young children already, and we weren't TTC, but still would have been thrilled to have another baby. I feel like I'm not really allowed to grieve as I didn't know the baby was there until I had to say goodbye. But I feel such a loss, and I don't know how to process it.

I tried to reach out my best friend three days ago but she hasn't replied. Nobody else knows apart from my husband.

Another friend has just announced her pregnancy on Facebook - I can't bear to be on there at the moment.

On the morning I had my first positive test, straight afterwards I had to meet with a friend who is about to deliver her first child to pass on all of my baby equipment (it was prearranged). It was horrendous.

I don't feel like anyone will understand why I am so sad as I didn't know about the pregnancy in advance. I get through the days for my children, then once they are asleep I just cry and cry. I so desperately wish my pregnancy had continued.

I don't know who to talk to or what to say. I just thought that you might understand.

 

[Kazy]

so so sorry you are going through this. It's hard when everyone around you is getting pregnant and most don't know what you are going through. My only advice is to grieve as best you can and not feel guilty about how sad you are. Everyone processes differently. Hopefully your friend just didn't get the message and will respond once she does? I found talking to close friends fid help a bit.

 

[roodles]

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your advice. My friend actually replied almost as soon as I submitted that post. She said it's common, it wasn't meant to be, it's God's plan, did I actually want 3 children, and its a good thing I miscarried as 3 under 5 would be too hard for me. And also I should really look at my birth control. I'm actually a bit speechless. For the record, we were using birth control. Now I feel like I definitely shouldn't talk to anyone.

 

[ttc126]

Wow that's not a thoughtful response. I've been told a lot of mean things through my losses. People are just insensitive. It doesn't matter how long you knew, that baby was already loved and wanted. My prayers are with you. PS.I don't think God ever "plans" to take our babies. Our bodies are imperfect and sometimes these things are allowed to happen. I'll never understand why, but I can say my lost babies changed me so much and I'm a more compassionate person.

 

[Kazy]

wow that's horrible. really.really.horrible. I'm so sorry your friend said that to you. It makes no difference how far along you were and the challenges of motherhood never out weigh our desire for them. After my miscarriages I came to the conclusion that very few women who haven't had one are able to really help. I generally try and not make assumptions like that but I too had people say incredible stupid things to me.
I think you are right in that she likely won't be able to help you then. Hopefully somewhere here you can continue to find support or you'll find someone else in your life who has experienced it and you never knew and can be there for you. I'm happy to talk if you ever want.

 

[roodles]

Wow that's not a thoughtful response. I've been told a lot of mean things through my losses. People are just insensitive. It doesn't matter how long you knew, that baby was already loved and wanted. My prayers are with you. PS.I don't think God ever "plans" to take our babies. Our bodies are imperfect and sometimes these things are allowed to happen. I'll never understand why, but I can say my lost babies changed me so much and I'm a more compassionate person.

Thank you. I'm so sorry for your losses, and for negative reactions that you've had It is good to hear that your experience has given you more compassion. I hope I will be kinder too.
I completely agree with you that I don't think it's "God's plan". If I believed that it would be very easy for me to become bitter about this baby being formed in the first place. The chances were so small.
Can I ask, did people being insensitive put you off of talking about it? I was asking my friend because she's a)my best friend and b) a doctor, but her reaction definitely makes me unsure about talking to others.

 

[roodles]

wow that's horrible. really.really.horrible. I'm so sorry your friend said that to you. It makes no difference how far along you were and the challenges of motherhood never out weigh our desire for them. After my miscarriages I came to the conclusion that very few women who haven't had one are able to really help. I generally try and not make assumptions like that but I too had people say incredible stupid things to me.
I think you are right in that she likely won't be able to help you then. Hopefully somewhere here you can continue to find support or you'll find someone else in your life who has experienced it and you never knew and can be there for you. I'm happy to talk if you ever want.

Thank you SO much for understanding, you said exactly what I was feeling! Interestingly my husband said the same thing last night about people not understanding until they've gone through it. I'm really sorry for your losses, and for the stupid things that people said to you on top of that. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It sucks to feel like you're looking at someone differently when they were previously close to you, doesn't it?
I spoke to my mum about it today and she was wonderful. I am a rainbow baby, so I feel like she got it entirely.
I really appreciate to offer to talk, if it's not too intrusive. Thank you for being lovely
ETA: I meant to say earlier, thank you for your advice on not feeling guilty to feel sad. I DO feel guilty, because I'm aware that what I'm going through is nothing like when people face loss after more time. I would never try to equate my experience with theirs. But I think it is sad in its own way.

 

[dairymomma]

I've had numerous losses that we finally found out were due to a clotting issue and an inability to process folic acid properly (meaning I'm chronically deficient in folate and B-vitamins). And after 9 years of keeping my infertility/recurrent loss history a secret like it was some terrible, shameful thing to keep hidden from everyone, I finally shared it with everyone. I've talked to a few people but only a handful knew exactly how many losses I'd had and how bad I felt at times because of it. Like 3 people knew the extent, the true extent, of what I've been through and one of them is my therapist, another is my doctor, and the third is DH.

It took nine years to feel comfortable enough to tell the world what I've dealt with and let me tell you, when I finally got the words out, it felt INCREDIBLE. I've had so much support since then and it's like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.

My point is that you shouldn't hide this loss away. I know your friend wasn't exactly supportive but at the same time, try to understand that miscarriage is such a misunderstood thing for those who have never experienced it. So talk about it. Let yourself grieve because that baby was still your baby, even if you didn't know it was there until it was gone. You are still his or her mother and you lost a child too soon. There is no shame in wanting someone to acknowledge that. So I'm not condoning what your friend said to you but it's also a very common response from someone who has not endured a loss(es) themselves. It may make some people uncomfortable but I think you'll find there are many many MANY women out there who have had a loss or more too.

 

[Twag]

So sorry for your loss and I am really sorry about your friends response that is very mean & hurtful of her - it doesn't take much to show compassion

 

[roodles]

I've had numerous losses that we finally found out were due to a clotting issue and an inability to process folic acid properly (meaning I'm chronically deficient in folate and B-vitamins). And after 9 years of keeping my infertility/recurrent loss history a secret like it was some terrible, shameful thing to keep hidden from everyone, I finally shared it with everyone. I've talked to a few people but only a handful knew exactly how many losses I'd had and how bad I felt at times because of it. Like 3 people knew the extent, the true extent, of what I've been through and one of them is my therapist, another is my doctor, and the third is DH.

It took nine years to feel comfortable enough to tell the world what I've dealt with and let me tell you, when I finally got the words out, it felt INCREDIBLE. I've had so much support since then and it's like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.

My point is that you shouldn't hide this loss away. I know your friend wasn't exactly supportive but at the same time, try to understand that miscarriage is such a misunderstood thing for those who have never experienced it. So talk about it. Let yourself grieve because that baby was still your baby, even if you didn't know it was there until it was gone. You are still his or her mother and you lost a child too soon. There is no shame in wanting someone to acknowledge that. So I'm not condoning what your friend said to you but it's also a very common response from someone who has not endured a loss(es) themselves. It may make some people uncomfortable but I think you'll find there are many many MANY women out there who have had a loss or more too.

Thank you for your reply and taking the time to tell your story. I'm so very sorry for your losses, and for the years that you kept the pain of that inside. I'm so glad that you now feel able to talk about your experience and your babies, and that you have received such wonderful support I agree with you that miscarriage shouldn't feel like a shameful secret, and talking about it is important.

I just felt very hurt that the response from my friend seemed like it was something I should be ashamed of, like I shouldn't have been pregnant in the first place. I am sure that she did not mean it to be as harsh as it came across, and I said to her that I knew she was trying to help, but that with respect that was my child and I would never be glad that my baby died. We haven't talked since then.

Another friend said she knew how I felt as she'd recently had an abortion. I have a lot of sympathy for a difficult situation that she is finding traumatic, but internally it is hard not to feel that it is different when the loss is not chosen. I'm trying to set that aside and just support her though.

Thank you for challenging me to talk about it more. The support from this forum has been wonderful - you have kept me sane the last couple of weeks. I will not hide my miscarriage away as I initially felt I should - but I will be careful who I talk to while it is still so raw.

Thank you again for your time, and also for the bravery it must have initially taken to open up after so long. x

 

[roodles]

So sorry for your loss and I am really sorry about your friends response that is very mean & hurtful of her - it doesn't take much to show compassion

Thank you. I'm trying to see things from her perspective - she has been ttc for a couple of months and is concerned about whether it will happen; maybe that contributed to her feelings. But I think it's hard not to recognise that it's a pretty harsh way to frame things. It does just make me more grateful for the lovely people on here though, even though you don't know me. x