Ectopic. Oh :(

[justmeinlove]

So tuesday afternoon i thought i had a tummy bug. Wednesday afternoon i found out i was actually pregnant. Bt thursday lunchtime they'd discovered it was ectopic and apparently i then collapsed and so they did a laproscopy to resolve the issue.

We have only just reached a point of being able to consider ttc #2 and were going to try making a baby this weekend. Instead we found out we had one, that it basically would never grow or survive and then it was gone.

And I think right there also went our ever having another one, which makes it worse. Our daughter's arrival was scary and traumatic and without medical care would probably have killed me, and now this! With me being 39 on top - I can't see it happening.

So now, when my fairly upset about me being ill daughter pats my tummy, it's even worse because - if that had landed in the right place, it could have been her sibling! And now she doesn't get one :'(

And - just sad and looking for sympathy I guess

 

[Dollybird]

Aw I'm so sorry. Ectopic is hard- especially knowing that if baby had landed in the right spot it would be ok. I've had an ectopic, then a traumatic birth too with my son in which I haemorrhaged. I never thought my hubby would agree to trying again as he was so traumatised but he did eventually. They monitor women pretty well in subsequent pregnancies if you've had an ectopic before so it's not as risky as you'd suspect. I'm so so sorry for your loss though. I know words don't really help much but big hugs anyways hope you getting good rest and lots of cuddles with your wee lamb xxx

 

[justmeinlove]

Did you not feel a bit too scared to try again? I feel like with two bad experiences I should just take the hint before the next one Does kill me :-/

Also if you don't mind me asking, did you mark your ectopic occurance at all? I want to get a tatoo for my little girl (a snowflake) and am v tempted to get another v tiny one to mark Bug, as she would have been our baby other than for bad luck Not sure if I'd be overegging emotions I should be ignoring / letting go away though?

 

[Dollybird]

I was scared but in honesty pregnancy terrifies me now. I had a mmc after my son too so I think I've been a bit unlucky. But pregnant again now (15 weeks) and although every day I'm living in fear of the worst, I'm hopeful that all will be well. And that's important.. It's import at to hang onto hope that something good will come. I never but I want to get a tattoo of a feather breaking off into little birds or butterfly's. I've saw a few nice tattoos that would be nice as a mark of remembrance. I have a wee memory box from my mmc too of our scan at 8 weeks (all was fine at that point) and a teddy we'd bought it. It's ok to remember those little lives that never got to be. Xxx

 

[longing]

I just wanted to come and offer my support and sympathy. I am at home after having surgery on Friday to remove my ectopic and my tube. It is such a whirlwind when it happens. One minute I'm in for a scan the next it's surgery. Doesn't help that every nurse in the area seemed interested. Which is ok. But did make me feel a bit isolated as it obviously doesn't happen too often. Or that's how it felt. I want to mark our loss. Just not sure how yet. I might light a candle. You get everything at once, loss , grieving, the physical pain. And it all happens so quickly. Ours happened after an ivf cycle so I've already been messed around with drugs and surgery too, and for it all to end like this is just so hard to deal with.

It must have been so scary for you, with just collapsing like that. So much to deal with all at once. 39 isn't so old anymore. Take care of you. Rest and cuddles. Let people help you xxx



I'm sorry I'm probably rambling...

 

[justmeinlove]

Rambling is fine and also appreciated. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with the same thing :-/

 

[claireanddaz]

I suffered an ectopic two years ago, same as you i didnt even realise i was pregnant until i was bleeding and the hospital told me i had miscarried and sent me away luckily i kept testing to find the tests were getting darker so i pushed for another scan hoping to see a baby as i would have been six weeks by then to be told it was ectopic and i had to stay in hospital and have surgery the next day! I actually found out my ectopic was in a very rare place only 2% are where mine was and it could have killed me had it not have been found, i'm so glad i pushed for another scan so it could be found.
I thought that was it and we would never have another baby i wanted to ttc straight away i felt i needed to be pregnant again asap, it took us another year to get pregnant but it did happen as i wasnt giving up i got a bit obsessed with it actually i couldnt focus on anything else except getting pregnant. i had an early scan at 8 weeks with Eden and it was just treated as a normal pregnancy from then on and everything was fine so it does happen you can go on to have a normal healthy pregnancy after ectopic even though at the time it feels like the end of the world. Its probably strange but i have my positive pregnancy test from my ectopic its my proof that i was pregnant and thats all i have now and the scars! I look at it from time to time i cant bear to throw it away i'm not over it yet fully i dont think you ever get over it really bit it does get easier! Sorry for your loss xx

 

[justmeinlove]

Thanks. Am just - I think i'm ok and thrn i think about this little baby who tried to be and then couldn't and just...urgh then the sad teary thing happens :'(

 

[BunnyN]

So sorry for your loss. An ectopic must be hard to deal with. I have never had an ectopic but I have had two losses. Last time I hemorrhaged and went into shock. I really wanted another baby ( we already have two LOs). But OH couldn't even bring himself to talk about TTC for a couple of months after because it made him think about how close he was to loosing me. I also felt the pressure of age because I am almost 37 We talked to our MW about it and to a doctor and had a scan to check all was good. Eventually we felt in place to TTC again. I got pregnant after 5 months and am due december. I do have some worries about the birth but so far things are going fine. No one can tell you the right choice for you but I would just say take your time to grieve and recover and don't make any decisions yet. At the moment you are scared and emotional so it's hard to think straight. Things will seem clearer in a month or two.

Hugs

 

[A17]

I'm so sorry for your loss, coping with an ectopic is hard as you are hit with everything all at once! I had one earlier this year and had surgery to remove pregnancy and tube. I found my thoughts always drifting to "it would have been if it just got to right place." I think I was more upset by losing my tube though and the implications I thought that would have for future! But please don't lose hope - fast forward a couple of months and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. The care I've received since the start of this pregnancy has been second to none - I've had 3 scans from 5 weeks to ensure all was well and everything in the right place as it should be!! Good things do and will happen! Take it easy on yourself, let the tears flow and feel what your feeling! If you were really worried about TTC you could ask for a HSG to check tube health - there are options! Sending positive vibes to you!! Take care!

 

[justmeinlove]

I'm so sorry for your loss, coping with an ectopic is hard as you are hit with everything all at once! I had one earlier this year and had surgery to remove pregnancy and tube. I found my thoughts always drifting to "it would have been if it just got to right place." I think I was more upset by losing my tube though and the implications I thought that would have for future! But please don't lose hope - fast forward a couple of months and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. The care I've received since the start of this pregnancy has been second to none - I've had 3 scans from 5 weeks to ensure all was well and everything in the right place as it should be!! Good things do and will happen! Take it easy on yourself, let the tears flow and feel what your feeling! If you were really worried about TTC you could ask for a HSG to check tube health - there are options! Sending positive vibes to you!! Take care!

How long did you wait to ttc? I'm definitely running on a couple of age deadlines here :-/

Dreams are definitely getting vivid although I imagine some of that is processing and some is hormones still being a mess.

 

[justmeinlove]

Also, I don't know if you know but what worries me is tgat i would have been (i assume) 4 wks 6 days gone and i ended uo in surgery. So i find the idea of scans from 5 weeks v worrying :-/

Unless I suppose i go for a followup and find that they say i was further along than that

 

[pandi77]

Sorry you had to experience this and know you're definitely not alone! I have had losses including an ectopic which claimed my right tube. I really thought at 38 I'd never get pregnant and now pregnant with number 2 and will be 40 in February (all this with a bunk left tube remaining). If you decide to try again it's a whole different experience. Lots of blood test and monitoring which is of course good and bad. Honestly with both of my viable pregnancy that followed I had lots of bleeding and they thought they were both ectopic again until we finally saw a baby in the right place on a scan.

Good luck to you and the only advice I can offer is o get an hsg done to make sure there are no blockages moving forward. The rest is what you are comfortable with

 

[justmeinlove]

Sigh

After lots of thinking, we decided to get Bug back so we could have a private five minutes with 'her' and give her a flower. It seems like the right thing to do to me.

So the teariness of phoning the funeral director (which sounds hugely overblown but apparently they sort the forms that need sorting). They were so nice, asked if Bug had a name, how far along and so on.
And it feels like the right thing to do and I am glad we get to have a few minutes to be sad and to give her a flower.
But I suppose, as with all these situations, it's not actually a good thing and it's still horrid and Bug should be growing in my tummy, we shouldn't be having to do this :,(

 

[justmeinlove]

If it helps anyone else, they're sorting it for us for free and the crem. charges £20. Which is really kind.

 

[BunnyN]

I hope it gives you the chance to get a bit of closure. I think I would want the same. I'm glad you have had good help in arranging it. Hugs

 

[Sophiejash]

Hi first of all sorry for your loss. You've had a lot of comments regarding your eptopic but I noticed you mentioned your pregnancy and partner not being able to go through all that again. I hope my story helps a little. I was poorly with my first, I developed preeclampsia, I ballooned, had really high blood pressure and in the end, was indecued to get her out early.
I lost an extremely lot of blood and collapsed (the husband said after he thought I was going to die). The labour was 3 hours so quick and intense and after the loss of so much blood I was in a bad way. Anyway I don't accept blood products so I had an iron infusion instead but the recovery is a lot slower. I had amnesia for a long time and developed ear infections, an over healed episiotomy which I had to have silver nitrate to fix, and by far the worst I developed a breast abscess (horrendous, worse than labour). The whole experience was terrifying. .........
Well my daughter is now 2 1/2 and I also have a 12 week old son. Yes the experience first time was horrible but second time it was a dream. I had absolutely no complications and labour was 2hours 20 minutes start to finish, blood lost was normal, everything was normal yet I spent the whole pregnancy terrified not only that I'd go through it all again but I also lost a baby between the two so worried the whole of the second time that that would happen again.
Anyway to stop rambling on, I have two beautiful children who are completely worth all the worry and pain.
Please don't let your first experience put you off when it can be so special and rewarding

 

[justmeinlove]

Thank you for such a lovely reply