Explaining jealousy to others

[LoveCakes]

I told my mum I was dreading Christmas as so many friends and family have just had their second lo since we started ttc. She said I can't stop people living their lives and basically that I was being horrible to say their happiness made it harder for me. I would never wish they hadn't had their kids but all the stories and pics just make it clearer what I'm missing.

How do I explain why I get upset. She told me off when I was upset when I found out friends were expecting.

 

[Mischief]

I don't have any helpful advice, but I do know how you feel. I recently had a coworker ask if I was going to be upset if another coworker got pregnant before I did. Her question is what upset me. Yes, I'm jealous, but I certainly don't wish infertility on others!

 

[2have4kids]

It's hard to see people having their third babies (that's where I am now) and others with 2 kids are now in their teens. It's so sad!!! But saying that, I don't verbalize this to anyone except my OH and b& b people because others just don't have decent infertility etiquette and don't have the ability to empathize with me. I feel it's setting myself up for more failure to ask for support from people who've never gone through this. People are insensitive and fickle and I don't need to be upset by their failings. I've got enough of my own to deal with!!
I'd give my mom a tongue lashing if she was unsupportive of me being heartbroken over not being able to have kids but be careful of asking her to support you in having ill wishes over others. I'm sorry you're having to go through this!

 

[LoveCakes]

thanks for the replies. i honestly dont have ill wishes; even if it were my choice I wouldn't stop them from having kids because if the circumstances were reversed it wouldn't stop me. I was hoping at least for recognition that talking about my cousins new baby for two hours maybe isn't fun for me.im certainly not proud of how I feel but I can't help it, all I can do is work out a way of getting on with it.

Someone on here posted a good article about telling only people who you think can help, not just those you are necessarily close to. I originally told my mum after a really bad dr appointment because she knows me to well to fake a brave face. If I could do it again though I wouldn't tell her. I'm certainly not going to talk to her any more about it. Luckily we have told a few people who have been great.

 

[Pinkie 33]

The reason why this place is so good is that people who do not struggle to conceive cannot possibly understand how it makes you feel. I no longer expect them to. Like many of us here, I am surrounded by babies, children and pregnant women. I am happy for them all and wish them all love and happiness. However each new pregnancy/baby announcement hurts a little bit. Don't beat yourself up about it, its natural. But be careful who you talk to about this side if LTTC as very few understand. Its all about self preservation

 

[Diddy2013]

I think for people who either got pregnant easily or by accident, or those who haven't decided to try, don't understand how obsessive this can get. Many of us make the choice to start trying expecting after a few months to become pregnant. Then you don't and everyone else around you is...
I've definitely felt jealous and can relate to these feelings. The only way I describe it to someone is think of something you want really badly right now, car house tv quad whatever. Your ready to buy it, you have the money, cash even.... But even though your ready and can afford it, you can't have it. Then imagine having to wait a12 months and still be told you can't have it.

 

[jrac]

Definately dreading it too. My mom and my side of the family all understand... its a small group on my side. I only really talk to my parents, and my mom understands because shes had many friends go through this. But my husbands family is huge, and catholic, and all about the woman staying home and raising a family. And they all have kids! My sister in law has 3 little girls that I love to death, but every time I see them I get that pang of jealousy. They all start in on "When are you going to start having kids" and "We're not getting any younger". Its bad enough his grandmother gets offended that I work for a living, and longer hours then he does usually. Apparently thats a bad thing? I cant even bare to tell them that we are having to seek help to get pregnant...

We are having a huge pre-thanksgiving party this weekend and I dont even know what to say to them any more... I want to tell my husband I dont want to go but then I get worried he will just accuse me of hating his family, because I never want to see them, but I am okay with seeing my mom and dad.

 

[2have4kids]

and catholic, and all about the woman staying home and raising a family. And they all have kids! My sister in law has 3 little girls that I love to death, but every time I see them I get that pang of jealousy. They all start in on "When are you going to start having kids" and "We're not getting any younger".
We are having a huge pre-thanksgiving party this weekend and I dont even know what to say to them any more... I want to tell my husband I dont want to go but then I get worried he will just accuse me of hating his family, because I never want to see them, but I am okay with seeing my mom and dad.

If you go, you don't need to tell them anything. You could say we're trying BUT then if it takes you another year they'll keep asking and more persistently. It'd be interesting to know their opinions on assisted conception to see if they have any judgements. I'd be tempted to tell them of a friend who had IVF and IUI and got pregnant and ask what they thing about it. I bet you'd find it a hair raising experience! Better to tell highly religious people less than more. You'll have less judgement.

 

[Briss]

"Infertility is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal." – sums it up, isn't it? there is Infertility Etiquette that they may need to get acquainted with https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html although I tried sending it to one of my friends who got pregnant on her second months and made terrible remarks knowing I've been TTC for ages, we have not spoken since I do not even know when she gave birth. We used to be close.

a few suggestions here as well https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/talking-about-infertility/

 

[tiggy2610]

I told my mum I was dreading Christmas as so many friends and family have just had their second lo since we started ttc. She said I can't stop people living their lives and basically that I was being horrible to say their happiness made it harder for me. I would never wish they hadn't had their kids but all the stories and pics just make it clearer what I'm missing.

How do I explain why I get upset. She told me off when I was upset when I found out friends were expecting

I'm really sorry, I mean absolutely no disrespect at all, but those are such horrible things to say to you! You are in no way, shape or form a bad or horrible person. She's right that we can't stop people living their lives, but that isn't what we want to do.

Diddy summed it up really well with her analogy of being ready for something, having everything prepared and watching other people, who didn't even want it when you first expressed an interest, get that 'thing' while you're still waiting.

I don't think there is a way to explain to somebody, if they have no experience of infertility then it's almost impossible for them to comprehend. (and that isn't a criticism of them at all, just the same as I can't possibly comprehend what blind people or deaf people go through) I struggled with this a lot, we're not getting closer for 4years TTC with one m/c and the biggest problem I've faced, mentally, was the guilt and anger I felt when friends and family announced pregnancies. Like you, I wasn't wishing my condition on them, but I was extremely sad for me.

In the end I took the clinic up on their offer of the fertility counsellor they have on staff. Hands down the best thing I have ever done. I still feel intense grief and upset when a pregnancy announcement happens, but I don't feel guilty, because it's OK to feel like that.

Surround yourself with positive, supportive people and use them as your mental 'crutch' when you need them. For me this is my DH and one close friend. I still speak to and see other friends and family just as much, but I choose not to disclose as much information about our IF and treatment to them, because I know they can't empathise and know comments they make will sometimes upset me (albeit unintentional)

Or if all else fails, I find my online LTTTC support network and BnB a great forum for releasing emotions (I was previously a very active member but ran away for 18months following a bad TTC patch and have just re-registered as I couldn't remember my old details. So it seems I have 9 responses, when its more like 6009 )

 

[LoveCakes]

Thanks for the response tiggy. im glad you found people who could support you. We have access to free counselling and have discussed it. OH only has a few days leave left until Jan which would be pretty much the end of our clomid journey one way or the other so I imagine it will be an option in the new year. There is a local support group but unfortunately the night they meet doesn't suit.

I really think it is a bit like grief, where if you've never done it you can't understand it at all. I'm just so glad hubby is so fantastic, we have had very honest conversations and I know I can tell him exactly how I'm feeling no matter what it is.

 

[tiggy2610]

Oh yes, how great it would be if life would just stop to allow us to attend everything we need to!!

I'm a firm believed that DH/OHs are the main strength in the IF journey, I know I would be completely and utterly lost without mine and truly believe that our marriage is stronger because of it. I'm really glad you have him there, and huge hope that 2014 is better for us all

 

[AerisandAlex]

I told my mum I was dreading Christmas as so many friends and family have just had their second lo since we started ttc. She said I can't stop people living their lives and basically that I was being horrible to say their happiness made it harder for me. I would never wish they hadn't had their kids but all the stories and pics just make it clearer what I'm missing.

How do I explain why I get upset. She told me off when I was upset when I found out friends were expecting.

I know I have two little ones of my own now but... when DH and I were first TTC I had the same feeling towards my own friends... I would have a lot of anger towards them, because most of them didn't even try to get PG and they bragged about how 'easy' it was when they knew we were TTC... It was very hard not to get upset at them and be happy for them when we were having so much trouble TTC

Even now I still harbor a bit of that anger since our loss last year... I swear, all my friends got pregnant at the same time, ones who had even been trying for years and years themselves, one of my friends even had twins, and then we lost ours... and here was everyone else still carrying their children to term. I smiled and was there for them when their children were born but deep down I was still very angry and hurt, even though I had two of my own, I even felt guilty and still do for having that anger but it's very hard to explain.

But know you're not alone and you are not a horrible person at all

I guess the best way to explain it to someone is to just express your own frustrations and your own feelings... Whenever I tried to explain that I was upset about their happiness, I got the same reaction from people... but if I just told people I was frustrated about us TTC, it was a lot easier to talk about... but know you always have the ladies here to talk to anytime This is the best board ever where you can vent your frustrations without fear of criticism and I am thankful for that as sometimes DH doesn't even understand me and there's no one to talk to sometimes so this place is the best place to escape to

 

[madtowngirl]

I feel like AerisandAlex explains it so well. I wasn't all that excited about having children until my loss - then I became obsessed. It feels like everyone I know is getting pregnant and carrying to term, and I smile for them, but I'm so hurt and angry deep down. Yet at the same time, you feel guilty.

I've never felt jealously like this before, and I think it is quite unique to ttc, either long term or after a loss.