Exposure to second hand smoke while TTC/pg

[Hope22]

Okay ladies, anyone who can help me deal with this one gets a big cookie.

My mother-in-law and her boyfriend smoke (~2 packs a day, each). My husband's entire family smokes. Neither my DH nor I, nor anyone on my side of the family smoke, and we're all very sensitive to cigarette/cigar smoke (hubby and my dad are both asthmatic).

Here's the problem. My MIL lives down the hall, in the same apartment building as us. We share her van, and often go places as a foursome. Even on a 15-minute drive, my MIL will light up. I assumed if we ever brought up how much it bothered us that she'd refrain, so today DH addressed it and she said she wouldn't stop. He told her how sick it makes us both feel, how it aggravates his asthma, but she didn't care. He didn't tell her we're TTC as that would open up a can of worms (did I mention my MIL is a bit nosy?)

I believe strongly that while TTC it's important to try and treat your body as though you were already pregnant. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't take drugs (other than prescriptions and acetaminophen for pain). Knowing that second hand smoke is just as poisonous as first-hand, I don't want to travel with her if she's going to smoke - particularly during the TWW when I could potentially be pg. Today I decided not to go shopping with them in order to avoid the smoke, but I can't stay home every time - it's a bandaid solution, not a permanent answer to the problem.

Now that I'm taking a stand, it's causing a major problem. It's Christmas, and of course the family wants to get together, but I don't want to visit with a house full of smokers (at a typical Christmas gathering with DH's side of the family the air is actually blue and I'm usually sick for days afterwards). I might be pg right now, and even if I'm not I don't want to make myself sick, but living in the same building as my MIL things get very touchy. I absolutely don't want to upset her, but I also refuse to make myself sick in order to maintain family peace.

Help! Am I doing the right thing, rocking the boat this Christmas? I want to do what's best for both DH and myself, and our potential baby, but it's going to cause some serious waves if I put my foot down and say I refuse to visit or travel with anyone who insists on smoking from this point forward.

 

[Serene123]

I've had people smoking around me and my bumps fine . It can't ALWAYS be preveted

 

[ColtonsMom]

I know how you feel. By boyfriend smokes (1 pack/day), his mom smokes (3+ packs/day), her boyfriend smokes (1 pack/day), my mom smokes, etc, etc, etc. Everyone I am around smokes. His mom is the worst though. We live with her too, so it's worse. I stay back in our room all day to avoid it. It's so bad, as soon as I walk in the living room (where she stays most of the day, and she doesn't work/do anything so she is here all day) my eyes instantly start watering and burning!!
My boyfriend knows that he will not be smoking in the house when we move, and I told him I wont stay here if we aren't moved out by the time baby is born. I know my mom will avoid smoking around the baby. However his mom said she would smoke in a different room until the baby was 1 year old, and then she would freely smoke around him as she pleased!!
What makes it worse too is that my BF had really bad ear infections (so much that he said "green stuff" used to run out of his ears when he tilted his head!!) until he was 12, and he has asthma. However his mom isn't the type of person to care what anyone else wants or how they want their children raised, she thinks she can do whatever she wants when she wants. I will feel bad not letting her around Colton because it's her first grandbaby, and the only child of her only son (and only child), but if she thinks she will smoke around him as she pleases then she has another thing coming.
I know that it's no different with them smoking around me being pregnant, than it is them smoking around the baby. But, sad to say it, with the baby I will have something physical that I can take away from them and not let them see. May sound like a bitch, but he is my first and only son/child.

 

[Hope22]

ToriaaaTRASH - I have to respectfully disagree. I think (at least for me) it can be prevented 100% of the time, but not without making some people seriously upset with me. I'm outspoken, and if I need to I can be nasty, I just don't want it to get to that point; I'm looking for the solution I can't see, hoping someone has an easier way out than a screaming fight with my MIL.

Wow MarchBaby, thanks for that! At least I'm not alone, not that that's a good thing - I wish neither of us was in this situation.

I think it's awful that you're hiding in the back room to avoid the smoke (and VERY wrong that your boyfriend is still smoking - he needs to quit, you tell him I said so! You should be able to move around freely in your own home, for goodness sake. I know that she owns the place, but you'd think that even if she can't respect you, she'd respect her future grandchild enough not to smoke around you.

His mother saying she'll smoke around YOUR child as she pleases just makes me hopping mad - that's so selfish I can't even believe it. If you keep Colton away from someone who intends to smoke while he's in their care, you are most definitely not a bitch; you're protecting your child as any mother should. Don't forget to look after yourself as well!

To heck with it. If you're going to tell your MIL what's what (once you're on your own turf, which is understandable), so can I. Let's make some waves!

BTW, Colton is a beautiful name. I've always liked the name Cole if we ever have a boy, or Coulter, but Cole sounds better with our last name

 

[miel]

You are right about taking a stand ...let them know that your door is open to them as long as they come and don't smoke in it mention it will be ok if they want to step outside and i have smoke break (and the day you have the baby than mention that should wash theirs hands before hugging him or her
My mother in law is a big big smoker i already make that deal with her she knows it already ,my husband is backing me up (he does not smoke ).
you mention that she is a little noisy but sometimes this kind of person are the best to talk to one on one .If you don't want to go at christmas have a little celebration at your home with your own conditions "no smoking live happy "
good luck to you!

 

[Hope22]

Thank you miel! She's nosy, not noisy - I meant she pokes her nose into our business (and everyone else's). I'm guessing if I tell her I'm pg (when I am) that she'll stop smoking around me if I ask/tell her, but we didn't want to use TTC as the reason when my DH talked to her today because that would have started a HUGE discussion about money, timing, space, birth plans, and everything else you can possibly think of that having a baby might affect in our lives. She worries far too much about things that are really only our business/problem, we just didn't feel like having that in-depth a discussion today.

 

[FJL]

Hun, you're NOT being a bitch at all!

2nd hand smoke is WORSE than smoking because it isn't filtered. Smoking can contribute to lower fertility, miscarriage and low birth weight to name a few.

You're doing the right thing by looking after yourself so well, and when you are pregnant you will just have another reason to not car pool/visit etc.

I hate to say this but I am a smoker I quit 2 months before TTC and stayed quit until we found out about our infertility and became so stressed and thought what the hell...I will be quitting as soon as we know when we'll be doing IVF or whatever fertility treatment we do.

I'm really conscious about smoking around non smokers and would NEVER smoke close to a pregnant woman or child...I keep my distance big time.

If your MIL is going to be pissy at you then thats her problem. She knows the reason why and its up to her to compromise and if she won't do that then stuff her! I know its easier said than done with inlaws though

If people choose to smoke then that is their choice and right to hurt themselves, but they have NO right inflicting this on other who were smart enough to never take up smoking!

Be strong hun, you're in the right and she is being totally unreasonable. If you can get DH to back you up (sounds like he already is) then thats a big bonus.

There is no point in making yourself sick (and possibly your baby) in order to keep the peace

 

[ColtonsMom]

Wow MarchBaby, thanks for that! At least I'm not alone, not that that's a good thing - I wish neither of us was in this situation.

I think it's awful that you're hiding in the back room to avoid the smoke (and VERY wrong that your boyfriend is still smoking - he needs to quit, you tell him I said so! You should be able to move around freely in your own home, for goodness sake. I know that she owns the place, but you'd think that even if she can't respect you, she'd respect her future grandchild enough not to smoke around you.

His mother saying she'll smoke around YOUR child as she pleases just makes me hopping mad - that's so selfish I can't even believe it. If you keep Colton away from someone who intends to smoke while he's in their care, you are most definitely not a bitch; you're protecting your child as any mother should. Don't forget to look after yourself as well!

To heck with it. If you're going to tell your MIL what's what (once you're on your own turf, which is understandable), so can I. Let's make some waves!

BTW, Colton is a beautiful name. I've always liked the name Cole if we ever have a boy, or Coulter, but Cole sounds better with our last name

I've tried to get my boyfriend to quit. At first he said he would try, but now he really has no determination to even try. I mention things all the time to him, like when we are standing in our future house and he is smoking, I'll tell him, "you better enjoy smoking in here now.." or when we are in the car I tell him, "you better start practicing making it a whole car ride without a cig, because you cannot smoke in the car with the baby". lol. I've also told him that I would make him wash his hands after every cig, and even went as far as telling him he would have to brush his teeth before getting close up to the baby!! He doesn't smoke that often (or as much as other people around us), but he thinks that it "relieves his stress"

His mother doesn't care about anyone besides herself. This maybe alittle off topic, but she is the same with our dog (which he bought me for christmas). She feeds him whatever she wants, and basically stuffs it down his throat if he turns it down. It makes him sick and he has diarrea (sp?) all the time . However, when we tell her not to give him stuff of the table, she tells us not to tell her what to do!!

Oh, and thanks (about the name). I thought about doing Colton, and doing Colt for short.. but my BF doesn't like Colt.. only Colton not that much difference, so whatever.. Lol

 

[Honeypie]

i smoke myself and so does my bf, i know it bad for me and as soon as i get pg they will be out of the door. Even so i smoke outside as its not fair to do it round my daughter, canyt they go outside at least??

 

[anita665]

I have a very similar problem. My mum and stepdad both smoke. My mum is a chain smoker. My dp also smokes but never around me or in the house.

Obviously for me the situation is a bit different because I'm already pregnant and I told them firmly not to smoke in the car. Aside from it being bad for me it makes me travel sick. I try to stop them smoking around me but in their own home they won't. Even dp gets annoyed and says it makes him feel ill when we sit in their lounge and they chain smoke with no windows open. He refuses to stay their over night this Christmas so we are staying at my Nans. I think they feel that it's ok because dp smokes too.

I would try not to worry too much about a little smoke and tollerate it where you can but if it gets to much & you're in their house then step out of the room or go outside if they light up. You can't really force them to do something differently in their own homes, especially if they don't know you're ttc so it's more polite to go outside for a bit for some fresh air and at the same time they might realise how much it's bothering you.

 

[Mrs-N]

im living with my dad at the moment and he smokes, i try and keep in the bedroom but i dont want to shut my self away.
i just hope we can move out as soon as possible.
is it as bad as people say, my mum smoked with me and my brother and my little sister all the way through all pregnancies and we are all generally healthy.
my sister was 6lb 7 when she was born so i would say thats a good weight,
so is it as bad as people say. x

 

[FJL]

mrsnewsbury, I personally think it IS as bad as people say.

Its like anything in life, it comes with a risk, doesn't mean something bad will happen, just that it CAN happen.

Not everyone that smokes dies of lung, throat or other cancer that smoking can cause, but many do.

I have a friend whos Mum smoked through 3 pregnancies and all her kids have very bad asthma and one of them was born very premmy and he was only around 3 pounds.

I just don't think its worth the risk, and I cannot believe that family wouldn't be willing to keep their distance when they light up.

 

[justme00]

I'm sorry but your MIL is being really selfish. It's not going to kill her to wait until she gets out of the car to smoke. My MIL did the same thing when we went to visit them last winter. I couldn't believe she was smoking around is when she knows her son and I both have asthma. Then she has the audacitiy to tell me NOT to wear perfume because it affects her allergies. OMG hypocrite!!

But on another note, my nieghbor was a chain smoker, got pregnant, smoked through out her entire pregnancy and had the smartest child I've ever met!! I'm not condoning her behavoir at all just showing another side to it.

I believe you are in the right to want her to stop smoking around you whether you are TTC or not...its your right not to smoke!!

 

[Helen]

When I was PG I could smell a cigarette about a 100 miles away. Barf! God they made me sick as hell!

I used to hate walking into the hospital for check ups cos of the smoking ban you'd have to walk past a line of smokers.

I think you are right to take a stand against the smoking family. What will you do when you have a LO though? Presumably you'd go visit...

My MIL smokes although she calls it "going for a wander" cos she thinks no-one knows. We went to a baby resucitation class after ours were born and we were told that a smoker shouldn't hold a baby for at least an hour after having a cigarette because all the poisons and toxins were on their breath and then being breathed into your child. The thing I hate is when C or T tries to put her finger into their mouths. Thankfully she doesn't let them do it.

Plus wasn't there a report in the news a while back about cot deaths and that something like 9 out of 10 cot deaths occured in smoking households or did I imagine that?

 

[Wobbles]

Its good your MIL does see baby sucking her fingers isn't good Helen.

I believe smoking in the house as you say highers cot death finds.

As everything theres lots of scares and conflicting info whist TTC I would try to avoid the best you can as your obviously rightly concerned thing is whist TTC being a none smoker yourself (I assume) it depends if you who you let know your TTC most people keep it to them selves so it makes it harder to politely ask them not to smoke around you where possible where as when baby is around you would hope family would make an effort not to have a smokey home for you visiing but as so close maybe they would mainly have to nip to you. Most families will be happy to go out side for a smoke when newborn has arrived.

Sorry if missed anything obvious in replies only ran through breifly - trying to look around as much as I can in so little time

 

[christinamike]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate sort of. My mother smokes and as a child growing up it upset me very much. I remember trying to talk to her about quitting and her becoming enraged or not complying. I guess you need to remember that smoking is an addiction. Just like any other adict they aren't going to want to stop.

I would say that some exposure to second hand smoke is not a problem. But if it is everyday, constant exposure I think this is not healthy - even for someone not trying to conceive. Though I understand you don't want to let her know you are TTC, maybe that is the motivation she needs to cut down, quit, or at least stop smoking around you.

 

[faith_may]

I know how you feel, my mom smokes too, but I told her that if she wants to know her grandchild (once I conceive), she better stops, because one thing is to smoke in front of all my family and a very different one is to smoke in the same room where my baby would be (again once I conceive and of course once I have it)

 

[Tilly]

Thats a difficult position to be in and MIL is the last person you want to be argueing with! they sound very unreasonable, so I don't know what to suggest.. but hopefully when you're pregnant they will be more understanding.

Definitely put your foot down and you're right..

@toria - shes speaking about a lot of smoking, not 1 cigarette once in a while.