Extremely depressed

[Sanctuary]

So for the last 8 years I have been depressed. I find it odd because at the time when I was younger I thought that things couldn't possibly feel worse than they do now but boy was I wrong!

It's hard to explain. I'm sure other people who are depressed can relate. I'm not someone who wants to take my own life, but I feel that I am just another fish in the pond and I am probably taking up resources that someone more useful than me could have had.

I feel NOTHING. It's like.. I feel sad because I no longer have any emotions. Never truly happy or excited. But just very very empty. I can't sleep because I have too many thoughts in my head but if I occupy myself then the thoughts take over and I can't focus anyway. Most days I wish I could be some mindless drone who walk through life without the hassle. Without feeling worthless.. Like looking out through my eyes but not being in control of my body. Hard to explain.

There are so many reasons why I feel like I do. It's hard to put it all in word or just to think about it because each problem branches into another one. But I'll put that what's giving me the most grief at the moment..

I have always been very independent. Worked since I was 13, moved out when I was 15 and since then never received any support of any kind from my parents. I am a VERY hard worker. I put everything into what I do and it has affected my health before (passed out due to stress, not eating) So now at 20 I'm unemployed, living (sponging in my eyes) of my in-laws and no use for anything.

I have been actively trying to get a job for two years now. Most people don't reply, or ignore me when I call. I got a foreign last name and I find that when I call for application forms etc they are all so nice to talk to and are more than happy that I am applying but as soon as I mention my name they immediately loose interest. It's disgusting. I managed to get a job after 9 months but was dismissed after having two weeks off in the first two months of employment due to my appendix bursting. It wasn't allowed but I couldn't do anything about it. Big company versus me wouldn't work out in my favour probably. I'm stuck in this pit where even applying to jobs that require no previous experience or qualifications, I can't even manage to get interviews or a reply. There is just no way out of it for me.

I wonder if maybe I should try to get some anti-depressants. Don't know how they work or what they make you feel but anything is better than this I feel. This job situation where me, a highly independent person can't provide for myself is very discouraging. My fiancee is in the same position as me (although not depressed, he obviously don't feel bad for living with his parents) but yea, don't know.

This is too long, sorry. I don't know what to do.

 

[porkypig]

hun, i dont know what advice to give but i didnt want to just read and not say anything. getting a job is so hard, it took me a few years to sort myself out and ive got a degree. i was livig with my mum and dad up until i was 27 then i got married and moved out, but yes things are hard. maybe you should give some anti-depressants a go, if they are no good you can always stop them. try to do things that occupy your mind, go out with a friend, join a class, maybe even do some voluntary work. btw, ive got a foreign name so i know what you mean about the name thing.

im sure you have a loving fiance, and your in-laws, im sure have no problem with you there. look on the bright side, you are young, only 20, some people are 30-40 and still are not settled. youve got plenty of time. have you thought about going to college or uni to do a course? xx

 

[mummy3]

Perhaps furthering your education would be a good idea You can get help from the government for funding, and it may help your self esteem

 

[Sanctuary]

Thanks for your replies

I have thought about taking up some more education but it makes me more worried since I'm struggling to get a job now (with 7 years of experience under my belt) how am I going to cope if I got a student loan to pay back at the end of it? I'm lucky now because I got no debt x

 

[porkypig]

you only start paying it back when youre in a job where you earn more than 10k a year xxx

 

[stanelyshane]

To face the failure in the life then person become a depressed but failure and success is the part of the life so do not be the depressed so much which harmful to health. There is require to come out from the depression and it is possible by following the exercise as the Yoga which is one of the best exercise of the medication and helpful to control on the negative thoughts.

 

[TereMD]

I can relate. I suffered from depression too, I was in very bad shape in 06-07, in 2009 I tried to kill myself(stupid I know, but honestly I was just sick and tired of EVERYONE around me and i HAD to change that or else and I had changed it all! ). was in a coma for 3 days in the UCI, stupid, stupid stupid. I didn't have any episode of depression though since I was pregnant with my son, and neither till now,it's been over a year and I feel so good, thankfully. but has taken me a very long time to be where i am. I still cannot say I'm "cured", I am more like, "recovered". You never know when it will hit you next time, but you can learn to manage it well while it last. I had to accept myself and see the situation from a ...wider point of view and analyse myself to see what was really happening, the core of it all if you want. But you NEED to talk to someone else.We all have episodes of extreme sadness in our lives... Go see someone, It doesnt matter if is not a doctor, be a friend, a parent (you say you've always been independent, and that's great, I had to be independent from an early age too, because my parents basically ignored me when I didn't do what they thought I must do) anyone really. You will find have strenght and hope, be strong, I know is a clichè to say that but you know it's true, you can do it and you will do it! I know what you're feeling, I'm in my 20s too, living with my in laws too.. (thankfully, in another house but in the same lot. They are nice, don't come knocking all the time and everything, hahaha, but still very close) but I try to see the good things about it too. Do you get along with them? do they offer to take care of LO while you take a break?
Antidepressants... sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. Doctors keep testing me with different combinations, I think they were not for me, for some people works just fine. I had to leave college... and stay two years with my son now, and still think I am making the right decision, but it bugs me too not being able to help our situation, hubby is out of work too. Its hard isnt- if you want to talk pm, sending you lots of positive energy and hugs