Failure.... how long does the feeling last?

[Lizzybee]

Section 8 weeks ago. When I think about it I still feel like I failed. (Had planned a home birth) I still cry.

Can anyone tell me that it gets better or will I always feel like this?

 

[aragornlover8]

I don't remember how long it took for me to get over it with Alex. I remember it being a long process where I constantly felt like I needed to justify what happened. It does get better with time. It's a good thing boards like this exist, I think. That way we can get support from people who know what we're going through (like the support you've been giving me on my other thread ).

 

[sept10]

This totally gets better, I found as my little boy grew older and we formed a really good bond I realised it didn't matter how he came into the world just that he was here and safe. I'm now a week away from a second section unless I spontaneously go in to labour and although a part of me would like to achieve a normal delivery I know that the important thing is baby getting here safe. Looking after a baby, being a good parent and raising a child is what makes you a good mom and what you should feel proud about....not whether your body pushed a baby out or not....I hope you feel better soon...these first few weeks/months are an emotional rollercoaster!!!

 

[Lizzybee]

Yes its a good job there are boards like this. I have lots of people around me to talk to but none of them truely know how I feel as none of them had a section. I just thought the crying would be over by now. I put a smiley face on most of the time now as family are fed up of seeing the tears. I don't blame them, they just don't understand why I'm finding it difficult.

 

[SRTBaby]

I with DS I expected normal birth no high expectations and when I ended up with c-section I felt like a failure. This time around I am prepared, I choose elective csection for many reasons and I am okay with my decision. I have friends and coworkers that love to brag about their home births I just smile and ignore.

 

[Paloma123]

It totally gets better, can't remember how long, few months maybe, but I remember one lady on here saying to me that at the end of the day, however your baby is born, they all end up with the same birth certificate! And it's true, you'll find in time nobody asks how little on was born, it really does ease in time. I no longer feel like a failure and actually now, I really don't care. The fact she is alive is enough for me.

Hope you find peace soon, and be easy on yourself. It's nobody's fault and you're still a Mum. Xx

 

[ZubZub]

Feeling like a failure after a C/S is perfectly normal. I had an em CS and when the sister who had given us our antenatal classes found out, she said "Oh well, at least you tried". I was so mad! What was the aim of this exercise? To get a baby out of me, healthy and safe. I didn't just try, I succeeded! And so did you - actually you were the perfect mother. You did what was necessary to keep your baby safe. No, it didn't happen the way you expected it to and maybe you feel a sense of loss that you didn't experience what all the magazines etc talk about. Accept that it makes you feel sad that you "lost out" but don't let it make you feel like a failure. You didn't fail anyone, least of all your precious baby.

I don't know how long you'll feel sad, but remember that post-natal hormones are terrible and make everyone feel over-emotional about things. If it goes on much longer go and chat to someone as you may be starting post-natal depression. Your baby needs you to move forward and be a great mom (like you were at the birth!)

 

[BintUmmi]

To be totally honest when I think about the birth of my daughter 2 years on I still feel like a failure, especially now that I am due with my second and feeling like I'm always explaining what happened first time around.

But it is much better than it was in the early days. I cried over it alot, now I don't cry and although I still feel like a failure I understand that it was necessary and quite possibly saved my life. So as much as I sound like a hypocrite you really didn't fail, there is soooooooo much more to being a mother than how your baby enters the world.

I second what ZubZub said about post natal hormones don't let them get the best of you. I too hope you can find peace with your birth experience as I know how you feel and it is horrible.

 

[x__amour]

It varies. Days, weeks, years... Never. I still grieve and while it's not as much as it used to be I still cry when I see vaginal births.

 

[BearFamily]

Depends on the person.

As part of dealing with my emergency c-section I have gone to different places at different times of my recovery.

I've gone through emotions of feeling like a hopeless mother as I failed my baby, to feelings of anger at the people around me for not protecting, to feeling angry at those who lied to me about how they thought birth should be.

One person who helped me understand why I felt the way I did explained this to me:

Our brain is made up of thousands upon thousands of learned pathways. When we find ourselves in a traumatic situation we rely on these pathways to carry us through and then help us understand what went on. For the average person who has had minimal negative experience up until that point they'll have plenty of positive pathways to help them get through it. While that one traumatic event has caused several negative pathways to form they still have hundred of positive pathways to fall back on.
For those of us who have had a lot of negative experience up until that point of trauma occurring it is harder for us to "just shake it off". We have those negative pathways in our brain that drag us down into depression. Without enough of those positive pathways we can not just move on, not until we deal with the situation.

One exercise that I got told to do by that particular woman was to enjoy my baby. Pick a time of day when you're pretty sure your baby is pretty happy.
Lay them down and sit next to them.
First look at how beautiful their eyes are, how much hair they have, count their little toes and fingers.
Second listen to the wonderful noises they can make.
Thirdly play an age appropriate game with them.
I found this really help make some of those positive pathways that I needed to cope with a little human running around my house.

 

[shaunakiss]

Section 8 weeks ago. When I think about it I still feel like I failed. (Had planned a home birth) I still cry.

Can anyone tell me that it gets better or will I always feel like this?

Not to be offensive...But as a mum who failed to progress in the 1st stage of labour resulting in a delayed emergency section which led to the death of my baby, i think you're doing just fine..

For the love of God, just focus on how lucky you are to have your precious baby and be so so thankful that you have that child every day. There are many things in life beyond our own control. This is one of them. You haven't failed, you did your best and in the interest of the safety of your baby, decisions were made.

Chin up now and be proud of yourself please x

 

[spunky84]

For me, it's gotten better, but it still saddens me.

I had a water birth planned at a birth center. The grand opening of the birth center was a month before EDD. Though I'd always felt deep down that I'd go over due, end up induced and have a csection.

I never got to feel a contraction. I was in the hospital for 2 hours being prepped before they started the pitocin. Within 10 minutes of the drip starting, LO's heart rate started dropping. Her heart rate didn't improve so I ended up with the csection.

I'm grateful for the fact that she arrived safely and healthy, but I still managed to feel like a failure. I barely remember anything for a few hours after she was born. I hated that I wasn't able to hold her first / right away. I don't even feel like I "delivered a baby".

Obviously the most important thing is that the baby arrived healthy, but it's not the only important thing. I know you're glad that your LO arrived safely, but I don't think that fact alone should invalidate how you feel.

My heart hurts when I think of my SIL's deliveries. SIL#1 delivered vaginally w/ epidural w/ #1 and vagially w/o pain meds w/ #2. SIL#2 experienced her water breaking, contractions, delivered naturally (w/ pain meds). I don't hate them for it, and they don't make me feel bad for, but it can be hard.

But, it should get better. It may completely go away eventually, it may not (but it should lessen)

 

[HBGirl]

About 2 weeks after being told that I needed a section. I realised that getting her here alive was more important then my birth plan.

 

[Sqwidge]

I can't remember when it was for me, but I struggled with it for a little bit. In some ways I didn't really feel like a failure as such because I tried my hardest, I went through the mill and back, was even pushing for an hour and a half. I was shattered, so tired in fact I fell asleep whilst they were stitching me up and the most important thing was he got here safely. But like a pp said, I don't feel like I 'gave birth' which is weird in my head. I also get upset thinking I missed that elation of I did it, and the emotions that all go with it. I literally laid there, they got him out, I worried because I didn't hear him crying, he eventually did, he was wrapped and handed to my husband, I looked at him and confirmed he looked like a Joshua and then promptly fell asleep until I got into recovery. Hubby tried to rouse me and talk to me but I was out of it. (As you can see it's all still a jumbled mess in my head!!)
I felt more of a failure when breast feeding didn't work out, along with the fact I didn't pick up on his jaundice and it was my sister who pointed it out to me - he then got whisked away to SCBU to go under lights (none of the midwives/nurses picked it up either and if my sister didn't say to us that he looks awfully yellow and made us get him checked he probably wouldn't have done).

I don't think there is such a thing as being able to 'get over it', it's more that you will learn to accept and just come to terms with it.

Massive hugs xx

 

[Kiwiberry]

I am sorry, please don't get mad at me. I just want to know, how having a c-section means you are a failure as a mother? This is my first baby, so I have no previous experience but my mother had to have c-section for all 4 of her kids. She never seemed torn up about it at all. Why does it matter so much how the baby is born? It is not like you get a medal or anything. I am sure you ladies are great parents, and having a c-section does not change that.

 

[spunky84]

Why does it matter so much how the baby is born? It is not like you get a medal or anything. I am sure you ladies are great parents, and having a c-section does not change that.

For some women, the birth experience IS important. It's not something that I can explain. I don't think anyone can really explain. I think you just have to be one of those people.

No, there isn't a medal for it, but for some, the experience does matter.

Obviously, there is not one person who feels the way that I do or that the OP doesn't agree that the baby's health and safety is #1, but it also doesn't mean that we can't grieve for the birth that we didn't have.

I feel a total disconnect between LO being born. I missed out on the things that I could have had with LO if I had a vaginal birth. I couldn't hold her. I was so drugged up I can barely remember the time shortly after and for awhile after she was born. It's all foggy.

It doesn't meant that we wouldn't have chosen a csection over vaginal for LO's safety. I wouldn't have chosen any other way to have LO safely here, but we are allowed to grieve and feel the way we do over not being able to have a vaginal birth.

I'm not trying to attack or be offensive, but when people say that there's no medal, it kind of feels like we should be ashamed of how we feel about having a csection and that our feelings aren't valid.

There are more women that most can imagine that feel like a failure and struggle with their csection but don't discuss for fear of being invalidated.

No, we're not failures as mom's. Absolutely not. But it doesn't change how we feel. It's not logical maybe, but the feelings are very real. I'm glad that there are women out there who don't feel this way - nobody should feel like a failure, but it doesn't mean that we don't feel like a failure.

 

[mummy2be...]

I had dd1 naturally and it was the most wonderful experience of my life. I looked forward to giving birth to Dd2 through my entire pregnancy... when it ended in an emcs I was devastated and deflated. She's now nearly 7 months and I feel like I was robbed, it's a horrible feeling I don't ever think I'll get over. Having said that it saved her life, and for that I'm thankful every day.... but that doesn't stop me feeling like I failed

 

[BearFamily]

I am sorry, please don't get mad at me. I just want to know, how having a c-section means you are a failure as a mother? This is my first baby, so I have no previous experience but my mother had to have c-section for all 4 of her kids. She never seemed torn up about it at all. Why does it matter so much how the baby is born? It is not like you get a medal or anything. I am sure you ladies are great parents, and having a c-section does not change that.

Some women buy into "Trust Birth" and "Natural Birth Movement" (we are "born" to give birth virginally because we're women kind of lies) both are great if you have the birth that you want and nothing gets in your way (I bought into both of these shortly after I had my son via emcs and it almost destroyed me).
So when the women finds herself on the verge of disaster and needing an emcs it's a very frightening time and hard to deal with. Most standard antenatal care doesn't run through the emotional side of having an emcs. Most emcs are performed for 1 or two reasons 1) Either/both mother and baby's life is in imminent danger and thus baby has to come out NOW or 2) Baby/Mother isn't tolerating labour and labour is not progressing fast enough (yes there is sometimes when baby is doing fine but labour has been going on for HOURS, a long labour increases the risk of post partum heamorage so it's better to perform an emcs then to have to do emergency surgery straight after baby is born to save the mothers life).

Most emcs puts the mother in a situation where she believes that either herself or her baby will die, these feels are so very difficult to deal with (I had both, my son wasn't tolerating labour with HB of 40 then after he came out I couldn't breath from complications from the spinal).

As you can see it's not an easy thing to explain, spunky84 explained it well too.

 

[disneydarling]

My daughter is 13 months and I'm still feeling the failure. I don't cry all the time like I used to, but it still hurts me very time I think about the at she was born.

Those first moments of her life were nothing like I expected and even though I know I'm a great mum, I will always feel like I'm trying to make it up to her for me not being the best I could be in the first few days of her life due to the way her birth went. I think I'll always feel guilty and ashamed about it, but it does get slightly easier as time goes on.

I feel so lucky to have such a beautiful amazing daughter that the thoughts of failure don't enter my head very often, but when they do it's awful.

 

[misspriss]

It took me almost all of my son's first year of life. I still get saddened when I think about it, but not in the same way. I don't feel that sense of failure like I used to. It just got better with time. I think seeing my son's personality come out as a toddler and marveling at all the things he is learning to do day by day helps.