Family so Close Minded about BFing!

[newlywedtzh]

So I'm one of those new moms that fell in love with nursing. I love the bond, I love the benefit, I love the snuggles and that only I can calm her and give her that comfort sometimes, I love the natural instinctual feel of it all. BUT I must admit.. before I become a mother.. I was also one of those women that found seeing others breastfeed uncomfortable. It wasn't so much seeing the "breasts exposed" as it was witnessing something that felt intimate. Now that I am a BFing mother myself, it seems so natural and second nature to me that I wish it was just more normalized in the States (more women would prob breastfeed if it was but that's another post!). But I do understand that it can make people feel uncomfortable especially if you are not around it much and in the state's it's still somewhat of a faux pa (but I think times are starting to change and head in the right direction!)

This brings me to my dilemma... my mother breastfed all 3 of us (In the 80's mind you) and she has made so many comments to me even before DD was born about how "no one wants to see it" and she "spent most of her time in public restrooms" etc. etc. We had our first all day outing (LO is 3.5 months old) where I was going to have to breast feed in public or in a bathroom. I felt so uncomfortable bc I knew her feelings on it as well as the rest of my family (my sister made a comment lik e"I don't want to see it- it's weird" and it was the first time I had to feed her in a public restroom. I felt so... degraded almost? I had to sit on a dirty public open toilet... with people yelling and toilets flushing. Every time a toilet flushed, my LO would get so scared and start crying- it broke my heart. I covered her ears from all the noise so she could calm down. I NEVER want to have to do that again. It felt like a really shameful thing I was doing and it's not.

I'm a modest person by nature.. and I really do not want to make people feel uncomfortable but how do I get my mother's (and family's) support to support me as a BFing mother in the year 2015 almost?! My DH's side of the family are sooo supportive and he comes from a family of all boys! I use a cover but feel very comfortable feeding her around them (it helps that my SIL is also a BFing mom and kind of laid the ground for me). Anyone else feel like this have this type of situation? Should I talk to my mom?

 

[sue_88]

You should absolutely talk to your mum.

My mum was a little the same, even more so actually because she never attempted to breastfeed us and thought the idea was gross and disgusting. (It bothers me that she out her own strange feelings before our needs but whatever, luckily we were and are fine and healthy).

I would ask your mum what she finds strange about it, doesn't she want her granddaughter to be comfortable whilst being fed, and to be content not frightened because she's in a scary place full of people's waste!

If a calm, rational conversation fails point blank tell her she is the reason people are scared to bf in public because if she feels that way about it there's no way she'll be able to hide her disgust if she saw it happen in public and that would knock down any nursing mum. Tell her if she's so bothered about it, and your sister for that matter, they can go and eat there lunch sat on the toilet!

ETA: my mum now thinks that I am amazing for nursing my daughter for 10.5months and just how smart sweet and healthy she's turned out. Seeing me nurse or my boobs for that matter never made her (or my younger sister who was weird about it too) bat an eyelid, I was just giving my LO her breakfast/lunch/dinner when she needed it

ETFA: keep doing what you're doing Mama, you're doing a great job but definitely never feed your LO in the toilet again, you don't have to. Find a comfy seat, and give your LO a feed. Those who bother you can go elsewhere x

 

[redneckhippy]

I remember hearing a great lecture once (not about this subject but about setting up boundaries in general) and the point being made that whenever we say yes to one thing, we are by defalt saing no to something else. So, say for example, if I always set aside Sundays for family day, but you ask me to come help you move, when I say yes to you, I'm also saying no to my family and spending my day with them. Depending on the circumstance this may or may not be the right choice, but we always need to consider the full picture.

So in your situation here, when you say "yes" to your mom's discomfort and agree feed in the bathroom, you are saying "no" to your daughter's comfort. It's up to you to decide which one you are going to prioritize. But also remember if you agree to feed in front of her, you are not responsible for her discomfort, she is. You are just doing what you feel is best for you and your child, and if she doesn't like it, that's an issue for her to work through (or to choose to step into another room if she doesn't want to see it).

 

[newlywedtzh]

redneck- I actually thought about that. When I was sitting in that public restroom.. I thought to myself, Why am I doing this to my daughter? And as a new mom I am realizing that you do always think of them first. And that's why I'm starting to think that I need to have a serious conversation soon. I absolutely do not mind going to a bedroom where it's clean and comfortable to make them feel comfortable say on Holiday's or just family visits. But when it comes to public bathrooms.. I think I'm going to have to be assertive for the sake of my DD.

 

[mandaa1220]

I would never. It makes you feel like you're doing something you should be embarrassed of. I'm trying to learn to be comfortable bf in public. I did at the mall last week with a cover and people kept staring at me and made me feel embarrassed. Luckily, while some people in my family feel weird about it, no one has said anything to me

 

[missk1989]

Next time your mum asks you to go to a toilet to feed your child ask her if she would be comfortable eating her lunch in their. That is what she is asking your daughter to do, eat her lunch on the toilet. If she is uncomfortable then this is her problem and no one elses.

 

[ShanandBoc]

I second talking to your mum but if she won't listen then I think ur mum needs to just get over it and grow up ( sorry but its true)

You are feeding your child. its that simple. Breastfeeding in a toilet is awful but I can understand why u felt u had to do it.

Can u get a special breastfeeding cover? Well done for breastfeeding this far btw!!!

 

[misspriss]

Yes you should talk to her, explain to her that feeding your child is not shameful and you won't be shamed for it.

Just feed your child when you are out, there is no reason to ask your mom if it's okay, you don't need her permission. If she says anything, as her if she'd like to eat in the toilet? Be confident in your actions and your statements.

I have never used a cover, but it might help you compromise, if that is what you want. I find that it makes it appear as if I'm doing something shameful that deserves to be hidden. Also, a cover draws A LOT more attention to you than a nursing child. A nursing child could just be a sleeping child in your arms. A bib over you, imo, actually makes people stare more.

There is nothing shameful about feeding your child. No reason to go to the toilet. No reason to hide it. It is not shameful. if "no one wants to see it" then "no one" can look away, you aren't forcing them to stare or anything.

 

[ShanandBoc]

I agree misspriss. Ive never used a cover as such myself. Ill sometimes use a light thin blanket depending on where I am as im quite large chested so getting bubs on and off can be a bit tricky without flashing a whole boob lol

 

[bdb84]

Have you heard of the undercover mama tanks? They are amazing for nursing. My DD hated when I used a cover. One, it's hot where I live most of the year, and two, who wants fabric plastered to their face while they are eating? Anyways, the way they work is that you can lift your top shirt up without exposing any belly/back. This prevents cleavage from being exposed as well. It's a nice compromise for babies/moms who dislike nursing covers and also helps to minimize the discomfort of others. Truth be told, I could care less how others feel, but when it's become a problem in your family, I understand wanting to take extra precautions.

Regardless- you are feeding your baby. That's it. There is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. Please do not ever feel the need to feed your baby in a public restroom again.

My opinion? Just do it. Nurse in front of them. They will either learn to accept it or they will remove THEMSELVES from the situation. Every time you give in and leave the room, you are justifying their opinions.

I know it's hard. I have family who were uncomfortable with my NIP, but I just did not care. I knew there was nothing indecent about feeding my baby the way my body was designed.

 

[misspriss]

Undercover mama tanks sound good, or just wear a cami that you can pull down when you pull your shirt up.

Purpose made nursing shirts are great for discretion. I make sure I wear a nursing shirt when I am going to church or something, where I am extra discreet. Not that I'm not discreet at say the mall, but I worry less. I like milknursingwear.com

 

[ShanandBoc]

Yeah I usually wear a tank top ubderneath ny top so I pull that down so my belly stays covered and then pull the other top up

 

[ShanandBoc]

Yeah I usually wear a tank top ubderneath ny top so I pull that down so my belly stays covered and then pull the other top up

 

[hiladun]

I remember hearing a great lecture once (not about this subject but about setting up boundaries in general) and the point being made that whenever we say yes to one thing, we are by defalt saing no to something else. So, say for example, if I always set aside Sundays for family day, but you ask me to come help you move, when I say yes to you, I'm also saying no to my family and spending my day with them. Depending on the circumstance this may or may not be the right choice, but we always need to consider the full picture.

So in your situation here, when you say "yes" to your mom's discomfort and agree feed in the bathroom, you are saying "no" to your daughter's comfort. It's up to you to decide which one you are going to prioritize. But also remember if you agree to feed in front of her, you are not responsible for her discomfort, she is. You are just doing what you feel is best for you and your child, and if she doesn't like it, that's an issue for her to work through (or to choose to step into another room if she doesn't want to see it).

Couldn't agree more with all of this, well said.

I'm sorry you aren't getting more support from your family.

 

[apple_20]

I'm so sorry you were made to feel like that. I'm shocked that people think you should bf in a toilet they wouldn't eat in one. Remember that feeling next time someone makes you feel bad for bf in public and do it for your baby. Like others have said there are plenty of ways to do it discreetly.

I also think you should try and talk it through with your mum ASAP you never know you might change her mind and if not ateast she can understand why you are doing it.

Good luck!

 

[shinona]

Definitely speak to your mum and I agree with all that the others have said. Absolutely no way is it acceptable to expect a woman to feed her child in a toilet, it's disgusting. I've never used a cover either as I don't like the idea and I manage to feed my child.without flashing a whole boob without one. I agree that they actuallydraw more attention to what you are doing. The fact that you use one makes their attitude even worse, what exactly is the problem? Perhaps you can ask your mum to explain her objections so you can try and counter them. Although, honestly, she should just be supporting you and not making you feel like you do.

 

[patch2006uk]

It's not about a woman breastfeeding, it's about a baby eating. I also wouldn't retreat to a bedroom, either. Your baby is just eating. Nothing more, nothing less. You shouldn't have to be a pariah. So sorry your family isn't supportive

 

[newlywedtzh]

oh wow thanks for all the support ladies!!

I haven't had the chance to have a talk with my mom yet but I definitely will. I think if she changed her attitude towards the whole thing then I think the rest of the family will also.

 

[Maxy1]

I am pretty discrete with my BFing. If there is a feeding room nearby I will use it. if the cafe is packed I will BF in the car - although some of this is for me because I love the alone time with my LO's when Bfing and so like to duck away and have that special time.

If it were me I just would have fed in front of them. I mean seriously, they are all adults and all related to you. They need to get over it. By all means be discrete but feed where you want to feed her and when she wants to be fed and don't worry about it. Honestly, its such a short time, really treasure it.

My mum was totally against me BFing past 6 months. She thought it was ''wrong''. I ignored her and fed LO1 to 22 months. At about 11 months into it, she realised that I was going to do what I wanted so she just stopped telling me her opinion.

I don't live in the US and live in a rather pro BFing society. I remember when I was BFing LO1 and went to the nursing room and there was some poor woman FF her very young LO in the nursing room and it was obvious it was because she felt judged for FF her LO in public. So sad that something so obvious (feeding a baby) is so controversial.

 

[newlywedtzh]

I don't live in the US and live in a rather pro BFing society. I remember when I was BFing LO1 and went to the nursing room and there was some poor woman FF her very young LO in the nursing room and it was obvious it was because she felt judged for FF her LO in public. So sad that something so obvious (feeding a baby) is so controversial.

It really is I know it's so irrational but when I see a baby with a bottle in it's mouth I feel bad for them! lol But I completely understand that not every woman is capable of breastfeeding.

I think what makes people so uncomfortable is that its not a normal thing that is seen a lot... so because they aren't exposed to it, it's out of their comfort zone. I wish I could be more assertive and just feed her in front of them but I just don't feel comfortable now:-/