Family support...kind of?

[Mrsgoodhart]

I was a breastfeeding failure with my first son. I had no experience with breastfeeding or even seeing anyone else do it, or knowing anyone who'd done it. We lasted a whole five days. I had ZERO support from his dad, who was sick of us both crying through feeds and suggested I 'just pump it into a bottle'....exclusive pumping lasted around a month.

This time, seven years later, things are different. I've watched a few friends breastfeed very successfully and my now husband (not my first son's unsupportive dad) is very supportive of breastfeeding this little guy, whenever and wherever we need to.

However...my MIL seems almost dismayed by my intent to breastfeed this baby. She has signed up for formula coupons and gotten rainchecks "because I didn't know what kind you'd be using" for formula when there was a big sale. When the raincheck thing happened, I explained to her that I would be breastfeeding and wouldn't need or want any formula. Most recently she sent home samples and coupons from the grocery store "just in case breastfeeding doesn't work".

It's starting to really annoy me. She's really just about the closest family we have, as my own mom died a few years ago, I'm not close with my dad or most of the rest of my family, other than my brother and his wife who I don't see often as they are pretty busy with six kids. So it would be nice to have her support. When she sent home the most recent stuff I told my husband, who said he wasn't really surprised and asked if I expected differently- well yes! I did expect differently since I'd already told her we will be breastfeeding. I think a large part of my failure before revolved around my ex waving that "just in case" formula around when things got hard.

Advice?

 

[noon_child]

Firstly I'd just like to say you aren't a failure with your first child, you didn't know what to expect and weren't supported. I doubt you would think about labelling another Mum a failure so please be just as kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up. Plus pumping is hard work, so well done you for managing it for so long!

Anyway back to the main point of your post. Do you know much, if anything about your MIL's experiences feeding her child/children? Maybe she had a really traumatic experience trying to bf and got no support herself, so she just can't see how breastfeeding would ever work and wouldn't wish the same stress on you, so she thinks she is "helping" by getting you a back up? Maybe her ignorance/lack of experience around breatfeeding Mums makes her feel really uncomfortable and so she goes to a place of security in a "I know what to do with bottles and formula, I can be a helpful expert on the subject" way? Maybe she's just a control freak who thinks you making different choices to her means you don't respect her? It isn't possible to say from my point of view but whatever the reason, I bet if you sat down and asked her what it was like for her when she had a new baby, how she found feeding etc. and really listened to her (and obviously not criticise her choices) she'd feel like she was being heard and her choices validated. Then you can move on to talking about why bf is so important to you and how you feel like you failed last time, and how seeing formula everywhere plays in to that and you'll be able to do it sympathetically, knowing where she is coming from too and trying not to reinforce any of her negative feelings about her own experiences.

 

[kajastarlight]

I think one of the reasons so many Mothers are not successful at breastfeeding (me too with my first son. And so many other Mothers with their first too.) is because no one (sometimes including themselfs) expects them to. People ask me "are you trying to breastfeed" and I say "Yes I am going to breastfeed him for a year" - not I am going to try to.... but I will. Even though I didn't make it to a year with either of my other two. And determination means staying away from that formula when things get tough! If you have to eventually suppliment with formula for your baby's health then you can cross that bridge if you get there. (I have to suppliment with formula sometimes. ) But your MIL, like so many others, may think that breastfeeding is something you "try to do" and eventually have to stop. (NOT FAIL!! Just stop.....)
Everyone in my family were supprised when I was still nursing DS2 at 7 months and I even heard wispers that some thought it was odd. Then when he stopped wanting to nurse at 8 months (because he wanted a sippy cup like his big brother) they all acted like I was bad for stopping when I was so close to the year mark! My point - people will think what they think and you should just do what you do.
Give it away, have your husband stash it so if you do end up needing a little suppliment you can (just make sure you make out with your pump while he feeds the LO to let your body know you need more. ) and also it will have to be a decision you make together. Give it back to her and say "no thank you" - - just try not to take it personally. Chances are she doesn't mean it. And if she does... well then shame on her.