Family very patronizing about dh being a sahd..

[lisaalove]

As the title reads... I am constantly getting an ear full about how men are supposed to be the main providers for the family and how it's wrong that I'm working and he gets to stay at home all day. I try to tell them I prefer it that way, but they just say it's wrong and that I need to talk with him and tell him he needs to pull his weight. I love my kids but I just couldn't be a sahm. I need my sanity and my time away from them. Anyone else have family like this? How do you deal with it? Or do you just simply have to ignore the comments?

 

[LoveCakes]

That's awful! It's great you are doing what works for your family and your oh is definitely pulling his weight!

I've no advice except continue to prove how well your family works like this.

 

[staralfur]

Huh. Would they be as critical of you if you were a SAHM, saying you're not pulling your weight and such?

 

[SarahBear]

I'm a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad. Today is his first day alone with both kids though. I don't have to deal with what you've mentioned, but I'd either have a talking to with those individuals, ignore them, or stop talking to them altogether. If I talked with them and they were still being disrespectful of how my husband and I decided to run our household, I'd stop talking to them.

 

[lisaalove]

Huh. Would they be as critical of you if you were a SAHM, saying you're not pulling your weight and such?

No that's just it. They think I should be staying at home with the kids and he should be working. (This is my parents were talking about) both my parents and their parents had sahm not sahd. So to them they feel like he's slacking....

 

[lisaalove]

I'm a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad. Today is his first day alone with both kids though. I don't have to deal with what you've mentioned, but I'd either have a talking to with those individuals, ignore them, or stop talking to them altogether. If I talked with them and they were still being disrespectful of how my husband and I decided to run our household, I'd stop talking to them.

They are my parents and I'm very close with them in every aspect but this one. I just wish they understood A) I'm not them and B) times have changed

 

[AP]

Dh's family were very funny about us swapping roles at first. After a while they get over it. Pulling his weight? he's looking after your child, that aint no stroll in the park!

 

[superfrizbee]

Wow. This is ridiculous. I say good on your dh for stepping up to the role and sticking his middle finger up at gender stereotypes. If you working and him staying home is what is best for your family then great. I work part time and frankly going to work is a rest sometimes. Staying home is hard, just like being a working parent is hard too in their different ways. If you want to be firm but polite I would tell your family that youre proud of the roles you and your dh are both taking in the family and that you are really working as a team and contributing in different ways, that are equally important and difficult. You would appreciate no further discussion on it as you find it upsetting. Alternatively if you want to be more rude you could say thankfully the rest of the world isn't stuck in the 1950s. When my sister and I were younger it was my dad that worked part time and my mum full time. She earned more and it was a no brainer and no problem situation for our family.

Totally agree with staralfur - very good point.

 

[TTC First]

I think these comments say it all:

"I prefer it that way"
"I love my kids but I just couldn't be a sahm"

The relationship is between you and your husband. This is an agreement between the two of you. Do they think it's best for you to stay home when it would make you unhappy? How would that impact your children? If getting that break from the kids makes you a better mom, then that is what is best for your family!

I would just tell them that this is what is best for you and your family. This is not something that was forced upon you, it is a decision that you made! End of story!

 

[Zeri]

I work full time and my DH works part time. I'm the main breadwinner by far. A lot of times my parents would talk about him getting a 'full time job' etc. I don't mind the comments because I think he does need one too - sometimes it makes me resentful. Maybe if he used to do more at home. He does 99% of the cooking, and little things like washing dishes etc., but I still have to do everything for the children too. LIke literally everything. So it's like I'm working two jobs and he's working barely one job, when you add it all up. So that makes me mad.

In your case, if that works better for your family and you don't have an issue with it, then I don't see a problem. We sill do live in a culture where the man is expected to be the breadwinner, though, so I can understand the comments. But things are changing a lot. In many households, the woman brings in the bacon.

 

[SarahBear]

I'm a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad. Today is his first day alone with both kids though. I don't have to deal with what you've mentioned, but I'd either have a talking to with those individuals, ignore them, or stop talking to them altogether. If I talked with them and they were still being disrespectful of how my husband and I decided to run our household, I'd stop talking to them.

They are my parents and I'm very close with them in every aspect but this one. I just wish they understood A) I'm not them and B) times have changed

That's tough. I don't know what I'd really do because I haven't had to deal with that. Definitely stand your ground with it and perhaps state that it's not up for discussion or comment.

 

[SarahBear]

My dad actually admitted to me at one point that he was very judgmental of our arrangements but kept it to himself. At the point that he was telling me this, he said that after he saw how happy Violet is as she's gotten older, he sees that it works and isn't judgmental of it anymore.

 

[staralfur]

Huh. Would they be as critical of you if you were a SAHM, saying you're not pulling your weight and such?

No that's just it. They think I should be staying at home with the kids and he should be working. (This is my parents were talking about) both my parents and their parents had sahm not sahd. So to them they feel like he's slacking....

I think it's worth asking them why they feel that a when a woman stays home with the kids it's an appropriate 'job' but when a man does it, he's not pulling his weight. You two would be doing literally the exact same things and yet they don't think it's enough for a man.

So either they're implying that your husband is somehow not capable of taking care of your children, or that it's simple enough that a woman is capable of doing it and that working is more intensive than a woman can handle.

It's probably just an outdated opinion and they probably don't mean to imply either of those things, but it might be worth pointing out that that's how they come across.

 

[hayz_baby]

Me and oh have literally just swapped and up till recently he was a sahd. We used to get comments quite often, tbh you cant please everyone. One person said that he needs to get a job like a real man when i wentback to work after ds1. Fil is the worse, constantly telling him to get a job, when he got one (long story as to why we had to swap) the job wasnt good enough. When he had an intwrview for a really good job which was offering more pay then fil job he got all defensive.
Literally to some people it isnt good enough. I learned to stop making explanations, and either let them slide or question their logic. Why? Keep asking why? And ask them would they ask the same as you if it were the other way round.

Its hard i know full well we didnt know anyone in the same position as us, however there are a few here

 

[Teri7489]

Same here. I earn good wages as a nurse, he has no qualifications so may earn a lot less. My family think hes lazy and is making me work when actually I worked hard to get my degree and want to work. Do what works for your family, its got nothing to do with anyone else. At all xxx

 

[Beanonorder]

I would just find a way to to tell them that they are hurting your feelings/offending you. If you're close to them I'm quite sure that will be enough to get them to back off.
I agree with the pp that they need to know they're implying either he's not capable or you shouldn't have ambitions.

 

[lisaalove]

Thank you all for your support. I just felt overwhelmed with it. I felt very attacked by the people who I love the most and who are supposed to love me the most. I realize they are just from a different era than I am and they may not understand that times are changing and more men are sahd's now than there used to be. I feel it's just still a hard subject to talk to people about. It's like trying to talk politics, no matter what everyone has their own opinion.

 

[bcos21]

My family are raking me over the coals for being a sahm. Can't win. I just tell them to back off

 

[mayacat]

Good for you for doing what works best for your family! I'm the one staying home, but I see nothing wrong with the dad staying home instead. If you guys are happy, try not to let other people let you think otherwise

I find the comment about telling him he needs to pull his weight very interesting. Gender stereotyping at its finest...

 

[smurff]

My family are very traditional and think that the man should be out working and the woman at home looking after the kids. Having said that, if I could earn more than what my husband earns I wouldn't have a problem swapping roles with him. At the end of the day you do what you have to do for the good of your family. I've never heard anything so ridiculous with your family saying your husband needs to pull his weight, looking after children isn't a walk in the park, its hard work and a full time job in its self. If my husbands been looking after them for a day he says he's glad to get back to work for a rest. Times have changed and its not always the mum at home now, you and your husband are obviously fine with your situation and that's all that matters. I'm close to my parents so I can understand it must be hard but my children and husband comes first and I would not have anyone putting him down for being a sahd, they would either have to accept it and keep their thoughts to their self's or I just would not bother speaking to them till they learnt to deal with it. Plus I'd want an apology for my husband