Father taking it bad and won't leave me alone

[Sparkles01]

Hi, I am new here and really just looking for a bit advice, I have recently found out I am pregnant I'm only 8 weeks. It is the result of a one night stand with an ex boyfriend. I intend on keeping the baby and have somehow turned very very maternal overnight, I made my decision before telling the father because i knew he would want me to have a termination (turns out he is in a long term relationship). I have now told him and he is not taking it too well, he has accused me of doing it deliberatly and lying to him and trying to trap him etc etc, which i am putting down to the shock. He is constantly contacting me and has turned kind of nasty, he is really really pushing for an abortion, i have told him it has been my decision and if he doesnt want to be involved im not going to force him and that he should just go on with his life and forget all about it - easier said than done i know. I have told him i am going to try and keep his name out of it as best i can (which i fully intend on doing) and i dont want any money or support from him (im not doing this for the father - i would rather my child didnt grow up with a father that resents them, which will be the case if i force this on him). If he wanted to be involved then great but it is highly unlikely he is going to change his mind and i am fine with that. Is there any advice on what I can say or do to either make him realise that im going to keep to my word and leave him out of it or to just get him to leave me alone??

Thanks

 

[Laura2919]

If your ex doesnt want anything to do with the child then so be it. Like you said yourself you would rather your child have no father than one that resents your child.
Obviously from his point of view he is going to think them things but it doesnt matter. If he doesnt want anything to do with this baby he can sign away his rights, his name doesnt have to be on the birth certificate and between you and him he doesnt have to pay anything if you wanted a clean break!

 

[billy2mm]

it sounds to me like he is scared of his gf finding out.

i think you just need to say to him that its best that you both leave each other alone both change you numbers etc so neither of you can contact each other and you will email him when baby is born so that if he wants to see him/her then he can if not fair enough.

congrats on you !!!

 

[TattiesMum]

I agree with Billy - I think he is terrified that his gf is going to find out - and I'd go with Billy's advice too, but with one addition .... tell him that if he keeps contacting you then you will have to consider taking out a harrassment order and that you are keeping a record of all of his contact with you from now on with that in mind.

He won't be able to hide a solicitor's letter from his gf, so that might make him back off Hon

 

[scottishgal89]

agree with tattiesmum. cut all contact with him. put him to the back of your mind and concentrate on your and your lo.
if he keeps contacting you and is nasty, keep it all on your phone, dont retaliate or that will come back on you and contact the police for help.
congrats on the pregnancy

 

[Fly]

i could be wrong, but it may be that you don't have a choice in getting him to contribute financially. I know that if you ever need to claim certain benefits, for example, you're obligated to persue the father via csa.

I think in the short term ignoring / blocking his calls and sending him written notification of when you've given birth and how to contact you (through a third party if you don't want him to know where you are living?) is enough and is totally reasonable on your part to ensure you get the peace you need.

Long term though, you may not be able to cut him out of your life.

 

[Sparkles01]

Thanks to everyone who has replied, this has made me feel so much better, I was beginning to think i was the worst person in the world for wanting to keep my baby. I have thought all along that he is more scared that his girlfriend finds out than anything else, but thats down to him to either tell her or not. Thanks again you have all been very supportive.

 

[cocokitten]

i could be wrong, but it may be that you don't have a choice in getting him to contribute financially. I know that if you ever need to claim certain benefits, for example, you're obligated to persue the father via csa.

I think in the short term ignoring / blocking his calls and sending him written notification of when you've given birth and how to contact you (through a third party if you don't want him to know where you are living?) is enough and is totally reasonable on your part to ensure you get the peace you need.

Long term though, you may not be able to cut him out of your life.

You're right. If you ever claim any benefits he would then have to pay arrears once they find him and his GF will find out.
She will anyway, Don't see how something like this will be kept secret forever.
Hes a cheater and you should'nt sleep with other peoples men, but at the end of the day who cares, just change your number? Dont stress about his feelings..

 

[lou_w34]

i could be wrong, but it may be that you don't have a choice in getting him to contribute financially. I know that if you ever need to claim certain benefits, for example, you're obligated to persue the father via csa.

I think in the short term ignoring / blocking his calls and sending him written notification of when you've given birth and how to contact you (through a third party if you don't want him to know where you are living?) is enough and is totally reasonable on your part to ensure you get the peace you need.

Long term though, you may not be able to cut him out of your life.

You're right. If you ever claim any benefits he would then have to pay arrears once they find him and his GF will find out.
She will anyway, Don't see how something like this will be kept secret forever.
Hes a cheater and you should'nt sleep with other peoples men, but at the end of the day who cares, just change your number? Dont stress about his feelings..

No thats not right. Im on income support and i have never had to get fob involved to make him pay, they dont even ask for his name.

And it wont affect any other benefits either.

 

[scottishgal89]

^^ i thought the same as lou

 

[broodylocket]

congrats. decide if u want him involved he just sounds worried that his gf finding out xx

 

[cocokitten]

i could be wrong, but it may be that you don't have a choice in getting him to contribute financially. I know that if you ever need to claim certain benefits, for example, you're obligated to persue the father via csa.

I think in the short term ignoring / blocking his calls and sending him written notification of when you've given birth and how to contact you (through a third party if you don't want him to know where you are living?) is enough and is totally reasonable on your part to ensure you get the peace you need.

Long term though, you may not be able to cut him out of your life.

You're right. If you ever claim any benefits he would then have to pay arrears once they find him and his GF will find out.
She will anyway, Don't see how something like this will be kept secret forever.
Hes a cheater and you should'nt sleep with other peoples men, but at the end of the day who cares, just change your number? Dont stress about his feelings..

No thats not right. Im on income support and i have never had to get fob involved to make him pay, they dont even ask for his name.

And it wont affect any other benefits either.

if you dont name him he will get away with it.

But for example, like my OH his ex wasnt working so was claiming her benefits but she did ask csa to contact him so once they eventually got hold of him he had to pay back all the arrears.

none of this goes to the the child, it goes to the government paying back what the ex has had in benefits.

so as you can imagine they are vigilant with this kind of thing.
even when she contacted them to say she didnt want him to pay csa anymore they still went after him for the arrears money.
she had no choice.

But this would have been entirely different if he wasnt on the Birth certificate.
if you dont put him on there then yes you can assure him he can carry on with his life, and never be hassled again. well for another 18 years... wonder how the GF will feel then!

 

[Rikki]

But for example, like my OH his ex wasnt working so was claiming her benefits but she did ask csa to contact him so once they eventually got hold of him he had to pay back all the arrears.

none of this goes to the the child, it goes to the government paying back what the ex has had in benefits.

so as you can imagine they are vigilant with this kind of thing.
even when she contacted them to say she didnt want him to pay csa anymore they still went after him for the arrears money.
she had no choice.

!

This is no longer correct. You are no longer obligated to go through CSA if you are on benefits. Any maintenance is kept & does not affect benefits.

For more information see https://www.cmoptions.org.uk

 

[crossroads]

I feel very sorry for his girlfriend. Perhaps it's best that she finds out? She'd be better off without him.

Why wasn't contraception used btw? (I'm trying to figure out why he would say you were trapping him)

 

[jenmc226]

He's probably not going to lay off until after paperworks are signed. Don't simply leave his name out of it, though. He may not want the child now. But he could show up in 5yrs and fight for custody/placement. You need to get a DNA test to prove he's the father. Then force him to sign papers relinquishing all rights to the child and agree to sign papers waiving child support. Once those papers are signed you're safe and he's safe.

 

[lushious09]

you did it on purpose... yes because you tied him to the ground stripped him naked and proceeded to take advantage... hes clearly been bitter because he dosnt want his g.f finding out...well should have thought bout that before he cheated...what absaloute scum...least ur been mature about it hun x