Favoritism

[jellytot3]

Hi, never posted in here before, I always float about in pregnancy 2nd trimester. Looking for some advice on my daughters.
I have two, Willow who is nearly 6 and Lily who is 2 (tomorrow!).

Willows biological father has nothing to do with her and hasnt since she was 4 months old. She knows about him, Ive never lied about him or hid anything. My husband (Lilys biological dad, Willows stepdad) has taken Willow on and loves her to bits, and the feeling is mutual. She calls him dad and they have a great relationship.

Just lately Willow has been saying to us that she feels that we "like" Lily more than her, Lily gets more attention and love.
Obviously we love them both equally and they are treated equally but Willow is a very complex child. Shes extremely clever for her age and sometimes goes in awful moods for no reason. She is like a hormonal teenager already, cries at silly things (e.g- she couldnt decide which DVD to watch and burst into tears), she goes in awful strops, locks herself in her room and then the next minute she will be as happy as anything, smiling, laughing, having fun.
I dont understand her.

When we visit my husbands parents Willow is always quiet and often turns moody. She will sit away from us and ignore everyone. I tell her not to be rude and everyone tries to make her join in with things.
Obviously Lily, with being a hyper 2 year old has no problems joining in and is often in the middle of the room making people laugh. Willow sees this as her getting more attention. I have explained that when Willow is grumpy and excludes herself, people dont want to give her attention...people would rather give it to a happy child. On the odd occasion that Willow IS happy and joins in, she gets just as much attention as Lily does.

I realy dont understand what is going through her head. She told me she was lonely at her new school (we moved due to the Army) and that she hated all her classes, hated school dinners and got bullied. I spoke to her teacher and i was informed it was quite the opposite. She is most popular in class and is happy, joins in, has fun etc. I asked Willow if this was true and she said yes, said that she lied to me because she "wanted to".

Another thing is, shopping and presents. Whenever i buy something as a suprise for Willow she HATES IT. Turns her nose up, wont wear it/use it. So I stopped buying suprises and only bought things that she chose with me. I had a few clothes orded for Lily the other week (for her birthday tomoro) and Willow asked where hers were. I explained that they are for Lilys birthday and that when i buy suprises for Willow she hates them. Willow got upset, said Lily gets more than her. So i go and order some things for Willow. No suprise....she hates them. Shouted at me that she wanted shoes. She acted like such a spoilt brat i lost my temper and sent her to her room.

Am I right in thinking that Willow is jealous about having a younger sister?
How can I change things so she doesnt think she is less loved.
I try my best to make sure they get equal things but Willow is nevver happy, she finds fault in everything, dislikes everything. I thought maybe she is depressed? But why?
Makes me feel like a bad mom
Sorry this is so long.
xx

 

[hellohefalump]

I didn't want to read and run, but I don't really know what to say.

It sounds a bit like she's attention seeking by saying she doesn't like anything that you do for her or buy for her, and maybe that has something to do with being jealous of her little sister?

Maybe you're right and she IS depressed? There doesn't have to be a reason for depression, it's often caused by imbalances of chemicals in the brain. I've suffered from severe depression from the age of 12 and there's never been any particular reason found for it. Maybe you should take her to the doctor or ask to see the school nurse about it?

I don't think you're a bad mum, you're a good mum because you're concerned for your daughter and you're trying to put things right for her.

 

[amber26]

I can see were you coming from.I too would be upset i can see you are expecting another child.Maybe you can include Willow (love the name by the way) in help with buying stuff with the baby.You might have that problem in the end has all your attention will be on the baby.Can you set some time for Willow just you and her.Some girly time paint her nail's do some cooking etc.
I have got two girls and two step children we have that weekend's and holidays.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

sorry you are going through this, I have never had the problem myself, I have a boy and a girl so I feel that made it easier. I am sure it is just an age thing and she will be fine in a little while. Can you have time just you and her one night or one day a week? Even a few hours xx

 

[jellytot3]

Ive tried time for just me and Willow in the past but as the little one is always here, she interfers so it ends up being the three of us.
On the odd occasion that it HAS just been me and Willow it has always gone horribly wrong. She is very controlling and if I do something she doesnt like/agree with she strops, takes things off me etc...then ends up throwing everything away. I have tried staying calm, telling her that she has to share ideas but it doesnt work.
She has a habit of ripping up pictures that shes drawn for me and writing "i hate mommy" letters if she doesnt get her own way. It can be over silly things like me saying she cant have her game on because I cant find the charger.

Ive explained to her that when the new baby comes along all the attention will be on him/her and not on Lily or herself. She seemed ok with it.

I feel like all im doing is being mean to Willow and always shouting at her.
I find it really difficult to be nice to her and enjoy time with her as it always ends up with her being naughty/controlling and stressing me out
x

 

[smelly07]

I have two daughters at similar ages and i have no problems with jealousy at all so i have no personal experience but my thoughts are.. You said Willow (and i also love love love that name) was very bright, could she be thinking about her real dad possibly feeling rejected by him? could there be other issues that go deeper then just being jealous of her sister.....? from reading your post IMO it seems there is something more going on..... i hope it gets sorted out soon x

 

[jellytot3]

I have two daughters at similar ages and i have no problems with jealousy at all so i have no personal experience but my thoughts are.. You said Willow (and i also love love love that name) was very bright, could she be thinking about her real dad possibly feeling rejected by him? could there be other issues that go deeper then just being jealous of her sister.....? from reading your post IMO it seems there is something more going on..... i hope it gets sorted out soon x

Glad im not the only one that thinks something deeper is going on.
Part of me was thinking maybe its just her age... shes nearly 6? But ive thought for a while now somethings not right.
x

 

[smelly07]

I have two daughters at similar ages and i have no problems with jealousy at all so i have no personal experience but my thoughts are.. You said Willow (and i also love love love that name) was very bright, could she be thinking about her real dad possibly feeling rejected by him? could there be other issues that go deeper then just being jealous of her sister.....? from reading your post IMO it seems there is something more going on..... i hope it gets sorted out soon x

Glad im not the only one that thinks something deeper is going on.
Part of me was thinking maybe its just her age... shes nearly 6? But ive thought for a while now somethings not right.
x

I think her age is less likely to cause problems jealousy wise and usually its when the baby is born just a little phase which is normal and fizzles out.
something isnt quite right....maybe if you are able to spend some quality time with her she might open up to you, if she doesnt maybe buy her a diary with a lock and key (keep a spare set) she may write all her real feelings down and you can have a peek when she is at school at least that way you know for sure

 

[jellytot3]

I have two daughters at similar ages and i have no problems with jealousy at all so i have no personal experience but my thoughts are.. You said Willow (and i also love love love that name) was very bright, could she be thinking about her real dad possibly feeling rejected by him? could there be other issues that go deeper then just being jealous of her sister.....? from reading your post IMO it seems there is something more going on..... i hope it gets sorted out soon x

Glad im not the only one that thinks something deeper is going on.
Part of me was thinking maybe its just her age... shes nearly 6? But ive thought for a while now somethings not right.
x

I think her age is less likely to cause problems jealousy wise and usually its when the baby is born just a little phase which is normal and fizzles out.
something isnt quite right....maybe if you are able to spend some quality time with her she might open up to you, if she doesnt maybe buy her a diary with a lock and key (keep a spare set) she may write all her real feelings down and you can have a peek when she is at school at least that way you know for sure

The diary idea is fab, thank you
my mums offered to have the children for me next week so ive asked her to speak. she opens up more to her nan, hopefully she will find out whats going on in that head of hers xx

 

[smelly07]

Ahhhh i hope you find out soon and things get better, keep me updated! x

 

[BabyGirl999]

I felt compelled to answer tho I have no real advice! She sounds like a mixed up little girl and possibly doesn't even know what's going on in her own head. She sounds like she has anger issues that she's not sure how to express? And I bet it's tied up with the fact that she thinks her real dad doesn't want her. This is all just my amateur psychology speaking! If it were my child, I would bring her to a counsellor, just to help her express her feelings and make sense of her thoughts! I hope none of this offends.

Ps I also LOVE the name Willow!

 

[amber26]

Is there no way she can see her dad ? or has he took no intrest ?. Maybe it worth taking her to the doctor's to have her referred.
Hope she starts feeling better soon and you too

 

[jellytot3]

Is there no way she can see her dad ? or has he took no intrest ?. Maybe it worth taking her to the doctor's to have her referred.
Hope she starts feeling better soon and you too

He hasnt been interested since she was 4 months old, im glad really, he was very violent and nearly killed me when i was 8months pregnant.
Shes much better off without him but if she decides she wants to know more about him when shes older then I will never lie to her or stop her.

Think Im gonna book an appointment after the week at her nans. Thanks for replying
x

 

[amber26]

Some people don't deserve to be parents.She does sound like she is better of without him.
Hope she goes well at the doctor's

 

[KidneyBeans]

Is there no way she can see her dad ? or has he took no intrest ?. Maybe it worth taking her to the doctor's to have her referred.
Hope she starts feeling better soon and you too

He hasnt been interested since she was 4 months old, im glad really, he was very violent and nearly killed me when i was 8months pregnant.
Shes much better off without him but if she decides she wants to know more about him when shes older then I will never lie to her or stop her.

Think Im gonna book an appointment after the week at her nans. Thanks for replying
x

I just wanted to say good luck! I think the appt. is a good idea. Even though at almost 6 the child can communicate thoroughly with speech and body language, they don't know HOW to and even if they did, they usually don't know exactly WHAT they're feeling, you know? I hope everything can get worked out as soon as possible!!