Feel like I'm letting DF down...

[Steph63]

So decided to play silly buggers this month and was 4 days late, first time she has been late since I started the Tamoxifen. DF knew and we were both very quietly hopeful, especially as I was sick twice on Friday, but I hadn't tested yet..don't know why, just kept putting it off (maybe deep down I knew I wasn't), but when I told DF this morning that had arrived, the look on his face just broke my heart, he looked so disappointed and I swear there were tears in his eyes....I just feel like I'm letting him down so much.

I used to think that, although I knew he wanted a baby (it was him who brought up started to TTC) and he has been a rock through all the hosp stuff but I always thought I wanted it more and that the constant failures affected me more, but we had a tiff a few weeks ago because I basically said this to him and said that he would never understand because he has a daughter from previous marriage, so he didn't know what it is like to face the prospect of never having a child, but he got really upset at this (don't get me wrong, I adore my DSD and we get on fantastically, we are really close, it is nothing against her personally) and he told me how he imagined us pushing the pram, having the car-seat etc, all the day-to-day stuff I never would have thought he thought of, it was really touching but it kills me that I am failing him and I can't stop thinking about it.

He is such a great Daddy to DSD and I know he would be to our baby too, but I just can't picture it anymore. When we first started TTC I used to imagine us with the baby and now I just can't imagine it ever happening. I feel like a failure, because it's my body stopping us and making DF unhappy too.

Sorry ladies just needed to vent, didn't mean to write such a long post!

 

[maz]

Oh Steph

You're not a failure... and I'm sure your DF doesn't think that either.

I think we all go through phases where we can't ever imagine getting a test that says pregnant, or having a bump, or pushing a pram ... I know I do. But then a few days/weeks later I know deep down that it will happen. Whether that be with a little help or not remains to be seen. TTC isn't easy when you're faced with the multitude of problems that we are, but it's not your fault. You didn't ask to be afflicted in this way, and you shouldn't blame yourself.

As for your DF feeling it, I always thought that my DH was immune to the disappointment I've felt each and every time cowface shows up ... but I now realise he feels it more than he lets on to me. I think they feel that they need to be big, strong men, to help us to cope a bit easier.

You'll get there ... one day. As we all will.

xx

 

[Steph63]

As for your DF feeling it, I always thought that my DH was immune to the disappointment I've felt each and every time cowface shows up ... but I now realise he feels it more than he lets on to me. I think they feel that they need to be big, strong men, to help us to cope a bit easier.

Thanks Maz.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, DF was always trying to put a brave face on for me, and seeing how much it really does hurt him just makes me feel sh1t!

It is bad enough my body doesn't do what it is supposed to without the playing tricks on us!

It just frustrates me so much, I feel like I am not in control, and as a total control-freak, I find it so hard to deal with! It just seems to be bumps & babies everywhere and I can't deal with it at the mo! Sometimes I am fine and can peek into prams and think "I'll have a LO like you soon" but at the mo it just makes me so jealous.

It sounds like a cliche, but it really helps to know other people understand and feel the same.

Thanks Maz, massive to you x

 

[obe]

Hi Steph63,
Im kind of in the same boat as you, my OH has two children from a previous relationship and sometimes I find it really difficult to keep that picture in my head that we will have a child of our own. I dont have any children, and I have days when I think it will never happen and its the worse feeling in the world! I get on at him that hes 'been there and done that' and hes not going to feel the same as me, although he tells me otherwise. But I can see where your coming from hun, dont give up!

 

[maz]

Thanks Maz.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, DF was always trying to put a brave face on for me, and seeing how much it really does hurt him just makes me feel sh1t!

It is bad enough my body doesn't do what it is supposed to without the playing tricks on us!

It just frustrates me so much, I feel like I am not in control, and as a total control-freak, I find it so hard to deal with! It just seems to be bumps & babies everywhere and I can't deal with it at the mo! Sometimes I am fine and can peek into prams and think "I'll have a LO like you soon" but at the mo it just makes me so jealous.

It sounds like a cliche, but it really helps to know other people understand and feel the same.

Thanks Maz, massive to you x

I was in town at lunchtime today, and honest to god, everywhere i looked i could see at least two pushchairs and at least one bump. I'm finding it quite hard to cope with at the moment. It sucks sometimes but I really do believe that one day, we'll all be walking round town proud of our bumps and proud of our LOs...

 

[Steph63]

Hi Steph63,
Im kind of in the same boat as you, my OH has two children from a previous relationship and sometimes I find it really difficult to keep that picture in my head that we will have a child of our own. I dont have any children, and I have days when I think it will never happen and its the worse feeling in the world! I get on at him that hes 'been there and done that' and hes not going to feel the same as me, although he tells me otherwise. But I can see where your coming from hun, dont give up!

Thanks sweetie. If it's not too personal a question, do your step-children ever ask anything about you having a baby? How old are they? My DSD is 11, she used to ask all the time, since she was like 6 or 7 for her Daddy & I to have a baby (her Mum hasn't had a relationship since she & DF separated, so she knows we are the only way she will get a brother or sister), and we promised her that when she was nine we would have a baby (how naive were we to think it would happen so easily!). She has pretty much stopped asking outright but would occasionally comment on wanting a brother or sister...We have never ever mentioned anything about TTC but she is incredibly mature and astute for her age and I really think that she has clicked that there is a problem.....

to you x

 

[Steph63]

I was in town at lunchtime today, and honest to god, everywhere i looked i could see at least two pushchairs and at least one bump. I'm finding it quite hard to cope with at the moment. It sucks sometimes but I really do believe that one day, we'll all be walking round town proud of our bumps and proud of our LOs...

They really are everywhere at the mo! I was in Tesco a while ago and the couple in front of us at the check-out had a mountain of nappies and were moaning at the price of them and saying how great it was to be out without the kids

Doesn't help that the Tamoxifen is making me Such moodswings, poor DF. Must try to regain my PMA....

 

[obe]

[/QUOTE]Thanks sweetie. If it's not too personal a question, do your step-children ever ask anything about you having a baby? How old are they? My DSD is 11, she used to ask all the time, since she was like 6 or 7 for her Daddy & I to have a baby (her Mum hasn't had a relationship since she & DF separated, so she knows we are the only way she will get a brother or sister), and we promised her that when she was nine we would have a baby (how naive were we to think it would happen so easily!). She has pretty much stopped asking outright but would occasionally comment on wanting a brother or sister...We have never ever mentioned anything about TTC but she is incredibly mature and astute for her age and I really think that she has clicked that there is a problem.....

to you x[/QUOTE]

They are 14 and 10, and they do know we are TTC. I remember a few years ago, the youngest said he wished his mum would have another baby so they could have another brother or sister. That hurt a little! My oh had the snip while they were together as she didnt want anymore kids, so I would be deverstated if she fell pregnant(she is in a relasionship with a guy with no kids of his own)while we are struggling to conceive.
How have you delt with her questions, are you open about it?

 

[Steph63]

To be honest I just change the subject or try to laugh it off, which is getting harder. This is going to sound really silly, but I would be mortified if her mum was to catch wind that we are having difficulties, so I really don't want to go down the road of explaining anything to her at the moment....

I used to worry about her mum falling pregnant too, even though she has never had a relationship, but she has subsequently had a hysterectomy (SP?) so, whilst there is no obviously no chance of that, it does mean the pressure is on us to produce a sibling!!

I have an awful memory, where are you with treatment chick?

 

[obe]

To be honest I just change the subject or try to laugh it off, which is getting harder. This is going to sound really silly, but I would be mortified if her mum was to catch wind that we are having difficulties, so I really don't want to go down the road of explaining anything to her at the moment....

I used to worry about her mum falling pregnant too, even though she has never had a relationship, but she has subsequently had a hysterectomy (SP?) so, whilst there is no obviously no chance of that, it does mean the pressure is on us to produce a sibling!!

I have an awful memory, where are you with treatment chick?

We are kind of in limbo at the moment, just waiting to see the FS. Seem to be waiting forever for the appontment to come through!
I dont like people knowing we are struggling, but with him having the snip most people on his side know.
Its definatley not been easy and I will be glad when things start moving. I hate waiting around!
What stage are you at?

 

[rbaker]

I know exactly how you all feel. I feel like I am letting my DH down as well. I have a child (16) and he doesn't have any children. We have been TTC for 2 years now and have just recently done IVF with no eggs retrieved. The FS told me I should just go straight to Donor Eggs because mine just won't work. Not the easiest thing to deal with and I am not sure if we can afford the Donor Eggs so we may never have a child and that will leave him childless. I just feel terrible about it and am not sure what to do.

 

[obe]

I know exactly how you all feel. I feel like I am letting my DH down as well. I have a child (16) and he doesn't have any children. We have been TTC for 2 years now and have just recently done IVF with no eggs retrieved. The FS told me I should just go straight to Donor Eggs because mine just won't work. Not the easiest thing to deal with and I am not sure if we can afford the Donor Eggs so we may never have a child and that will leave him childless. I just feel terrible about it and am not sure what to do.

Sorry to hear that rbaker, is there no chance they can use your eggs at all, will they do more tests?
sending you lots of and I hope there is a way they can help you both

 

[rbaker]

Hi Obe

I am going for a second opinion on July 21st. I guess we might find something out then. The other Dr. just did not give me much hope. I will be 41 this year and DH is 39. So it is a possibility that DE is our only shot.

 

[FBbaby]

good luck rbaker and everybody else. I can totally imagine what must be going through your mind. I am 38 (39 soon), and am lucky to have two lovely children 6 and 9, but my partner who will be 42 in two months is childless and would love a child of his own. I got pg last month first cycle coming off the pill, and we were over the moon. Unfortunately, I miscarried.

The hardest part to cope with was the feeling of letting him down. He has been wonderful about it and is putting absolutely no pressure on me, but I so want to make him a dad. He is absolutely wonderful with my two children, but they have their own dad and it is just not the same.

We are ttc again, and I really hope I will get pg again and this time take it to the end, but if it didn't work, I would also consider donor eggs.

For those who are childless whist their OH is already a parent, I can assure you that you can want another child just as much. I adore my two children and I feel massively grateful to have them, but it doesn't take away the deep desire that I hold to have a child with my new partner. There is a difference between wanting to become a parent (what I felt most of all when ttc for my two) and wanting to share the joy of having a child with the love of your life.