Feeling Alone & Emotional Advice Needed

[surprisepg]

I've read a few of the threads here and I have been encouraged by the support to post my story and get some advice. My situation is slightly complicated but here goes...

I'm almost 13 weeks pregnant. FOB is a man I've been involved with over the net. He lives in the US and I in Australia. We met up July of this year and only confirmed that we have this connection and chemistry we felt over the net. We spent 2 weeks together. I guess we should have been more careful because our meeting has resulted in a pregnancy.

Although the news has been very stressful to us both he was adamant that he would be involved in this childs life and mine. He told me several times he is planning on being here for the birth and looking into moving here. He told his grandfather and after his talk with him he became more interested in the baby. He was scared and this is something that wasnt planned so it did cause several arguments but we managed to iron the wrinkles or so I thought.

At 10 weeks pregnant he decided to tell his mum. His mum told him to wait it out and to ask for a paternity test and to not tell anyone he got someone pregnant or lay claim to this child until the paternity test.

The day after I texted him and he ignored me... i let it go and texted him again 2 days later and again nothing. I had my NT scan and sent him a pic and again nothing!

Its almost been 3 weeks and I'm an emotional mess. I just dont understand why he is doing this. I have a feeling the talk with his mother had something to do with this but to shut me out like this?

The same day he told his mum he was telling me how much he cares for me and that he wont be a dead beat dad... I have my good days and then the really bad days where I cant stop crying. I dont even know if I should tell him about the birth but I am now adamant to prove paternity of my baby and I am even thinking of applying for child support after the test proves paternity.

I am tempted to contact him but I dont want to argue with him and knowing myself there is a good chance I will.

Just dont know what to do.

btw fob is 33 and Im 37 and he is a true mummas boy. He lives with her and when I met her I saw the dynamics of their relationship and I can tell he doesnt like to displease his mother.

 

[Dezireey]

Well first of all sweetie, congratulations on your baby. You sound like you will be a wonderful Mum, so good for you.

I think that it sounds like his Mother may have planted a seed of doubt in his head i.e. 'you don't really know this girl, she lives half way across the world, blah blah'. This is in no way against you but I can see why this has made him think a bit about the whole way you met up etc. Perhaps he has decided that he doesn't want to get his hopes up and plan and get excited about the baby when his Mother has maybe convinced him now that it might not be his?

I think you should maybe send him one last message (maybe e-mail it aswell if you have an e-mail address?) and just say that you are confused about his silence but that the baby is definitely his and that a paternity test will prove that and you understand his point of view on that and its something you are willing to get done etc. Be nice and tell him he can contact you anytime. (leave the door open for him).Then leave him be, go silent on him.

Then you must try and get on with things as best you can. You would have to probably get on with most of the pregnancy alone anyway hun as he lives in another country, so its a difficult set up regardless. He may or may not come around after baby is born and things get settled. Keep us posted.

Big hugs and you will be okay, really you will.

 

[surprisepg]

Thank you Dezireey... your post makes sense and has calmed me somewhat. It really does sadden me that his mum told him to have a dna done reasons being I met his mum and spent a day shopping and cooking with her. By the time my visit ended she gave me all her contact details and started calling me her daughter in law. She would even ask FOB how is my daughter in law and told him she felt a spiritual connection to me.

I do howver understand why she would ask for this to be done, he had a girl previously accuse him of this 10 years ago and it turned out to be false and that she was trying to have him take care of her and this other mans responsibilities. So I can understand that her guard is up and that she is only protecting her son. It just bothers me that he has shut me out like this especially when above everything we considered each other to be really close friends above anything else. He was like my best friend.

I guess I'm scared that once the baby is born he wont even take the steps to have this dna test and I honestly dont want to get a court order but I know that I might have to. I'm also scared to text him and reach out to him again because I'm scared he wont respond again and I dont want to look like a fool.. yes I have my pride too lol

I might feel differently in a month or so and I dont know if I should continue sending him any more scan pics but I have a gut feeling I wont be speaking to him again until after the birth when discussion of paternity will occur.

 

[Dezireey]

It's difficult hun, I know what you mean. If he had something like this happen 10 years ago and it turned out to be false, then that may be a very big factor in why he is behaving like this?

To be honest, it sounds like there will be no answers or closure until baby is born and DNA testing is done.

You could go down the route of contacting him regularly / sending scans but to be honest I virtually harassed my ex about being responsible for his son / paying maintenance and it all just ends in tears if they aren't interested, it just makes things far, far worse for you in the long run if you keep texting and then wait patiently for him to respond and then.......nothing.

It hurts bad when a guy does this when there is just a normal break up and your heart is broken but when you are pregnant or have his child it is just very very upsetting for you. Please don't do this to yourself and concentrate and focus now in bringing your baby into the world. You need as little stress in your life as possible and you have a lot to do and lots of preparation etc. Don't focus on what you don't have ( the father around) focus on what you do have, which is a little gorgeous baby coming into the world needing a happy and stable Mummy to look after them.

If he has no interest when baby is born, then all you can do is get child support and know in your heart that it is very, very much his loss in his life, not yours. You only gain, not lose.

Hope you feel better soon, it takes time but you will get there. Hugs xx

 

[moomin_troll]

Where I can understand the need for a DNA test as these are unusual sircumstance, maybe instead of her (the mother) getting involved, she should of taught her son to use contraception 10 yrs ago! What an interfering cow.
If he's so easily swayed, u seem better off without him.
I wouldn't bother sending him anything, I'd ask if hes interested in seeing scans ect, no reply, no photos!
When the time comes, take a DNA test and call him out for being the child he's been and take him for child support.

Congrats, you can do this

 

[surprisepg]

It's difficult hun, I know what you mean. If he had something like this happen 10 years ago and it turned out to be false, then that may be a very big factor in why he is behaving like this?

To be honest, it sounds like there will be no answers or closure until baby is born and DNA testing is done.

You could go down the route of contacting him regularly / sending scans but to be honest I virtually harassed my ex about being responsible for his son / paying maintenance and it all just ends in tears if they aren't interested, it just makes things far, far worse for you in the long run if you keep texting and then wait patiently for him to respond and then.......nothing.

It hurts bad when a guy does this when there is just a normal break up and your heart is broken but when you are pregnant or have his child it is just very very upsetting for you. Please don't do this to yourself and concentrate and focus now in bringing your baby into the world. You need as little stress in your life as possible and you have a lot to do and lots of preparation etc. Don't focus on what you don't have ( the father around) focus on what you do have, which is a little gorgeous baby coming into the world needing a happy and stable Mummy to look after them.

If he has no interest when baby is born, then all you can do is get child support and know in your heart that it is very, very much his loss in his life, not yours. You only gain, not lose.

Hope you feel better soon, it takes time but you will get there. Hugs xx

I wont be sending him any more scan pics. I just feel heartbroken. His mum is the obvious reason because before she said her two cents although stressed he was still in communication with me. I know I can do this I guess I miss him.

 

[surprisepg]

Where I can understand the need for a DNA test as these are unusual sircumstance, maybe instead of her (the mother) getting involved, she should of taught her son to use contraception 10 yrs ago! What an interfering cow.
If he's so easily swayed, u seem better off without him.
I wouldn't bother sending him anything, I'd ask if hes interested in seeing scans ect, no reply, no photos!
When the time comes, take a DNA test and call him out for being the child he's been and take him for child support.

Congrats, you can do this

He is a real mummas boy. I have never seen anything like this. He bitches about her and yet he doesnt change his living situation. I will most definitely have this DNA test done and rub it in his and his mothers face and I will go to court and get this child support. I wont even ask him if he wants the scan pics I just wont send them to him. At this stage I dont even want to tell him about the birth, I feel like just turning up on his doorstep baby in hand and confronting him then. Like I said Im so heartbroken over this and I miss him even though I shouldnt I do and yet I hate him at the same time.

 

[44npregnant]

Where I can understand the need for a DNA test as these are unusual sircumstance, maybe instead of her (the mother) getting involved, she should of taught her son to use contraception 10 yrs ago! What an interfering cow.
If he's so easily swayed, u seem better off without him.
I wouldn't bother sending him anything, I'd ask if hes interested in seeing scans ect, no reply, no photos!
When the time comes, take a DNA test and call him out for being the child he's been and take him for child support.

Congrats, you can do this

He is a real mummas boy. I have never seen anything like this. He bitches about her and yet he doesnt change his living situation. I will most definitely have this DNA test done and rub it in his and his mothers face and I will go to court and get this child support. I wont even ask him if he wants the scan pics I just wont send them to him. At this stage I dont even want to tell him about the birth, I feel like just turning up on his doorstep baby in hand and confronting him then. Like I said Im so heartbroken over this and I miss him even though I shouldnt I do and yet I hate him at the same time.

Sorry to see you are still having the same issue. I finally talked to FOB and he made it clear he doesn't want to be part of the baby's life. I decided not to argue or try to talk him into not making a decision so soon. A baby doesn't need someone around that doesn't truly love them. I decided it's better for me to accept he is not going to be around and to plan and focus on what I need to do for this baby.

It doesn't help me to dwell on how much the FOB has hurt me. The disparity between how he has treated me and I how I wished he would treat me is immense. It is what it is. Time to focus on the wonderful miracle of life. I wish the best

 

[surprisepg]

Where I can understand the need for a DNA test as these are unusual sircumstance, maybe instead of her (the mother) getting involved, she should of taught her son to use contraception 10 yrs ago! What an interfering cow.
If he's so easily swayed, u seem better off without him.
I wouldn't bother sending him anything, I'd ask if hes interested in seeing scans ect, no reply, no photos!
When the time comes, take a DNA test and call him out for being the child he's been and take him for child support.

Congrats, you can do this

He is a real mummas boy. I have never seen anything like this. He bitches about her and yet he doesnt change his living situation. I will most definitely have this DNA test done and rub it in his and his mothers face and I will go to court and get this child support. I wont even ask him if he wants the scan pics I just wont send them to him. At this stage I dont even want to tell him about the birth, I feel like just turning up on his doorstep baby in hand and confronting him then. Like I said Im so heartbroken over this and I miss him even though I shouldnt I do and yet I hate him at the same time.

Sorry to see you are still having the same issue. I finally talked to FOB and he made it clear he doesn't want to be part of the baby's life. I decided not to argue or try to talk him into not making a decision so soon. A baby doesn't need someone around that doesn't truly love them. I decided it's better for me to accept he is not going to be around and to plan and focus on what I need to do for this baby.

It doesn't help me to dwell on how much the FOB has hurt me. The disparity between how he has treated me and I how I wished he would treat me is immense. It is what it is. Time to focus on the wonderful miracle of life. I wish the best

I wish I could get a straight answer like that. Although as hard as that would be to swallow at least I would have clarity and an answer. I asked him countless times do you want this baby be in its life? He told me he did told me that it wouldnt be fair for me to take that away from him that he would hunt me down etc. This of course was all before he spoke to his mum. The last thing he told me was he is going to wait it out like his mum told him to do. It hurts because he has shut me out like this. I thought we were friends and when he tells me the day before he stopped replying to my texts that he cares for me a whole lot and that our time together has meant so much to him it makes no sense to me.

If he doesnt want to be involved in the pregnancy until the baby is born and have a DNA test then tell me that dont shoot my friend a text and tell her that you dont want to talk to me right now because this situation is stressing you so much that you cant do anything and you need to concentrate on other things and that telling me will only cause an argument.

I am so sorry about FOB and you are right there is no point in trying to convince him its too early to make up his mind. Can I ask you are you going to name him on the birth certificate? Are you going to tell him of the babys birth?

 

[Dezireey]

Him not answering you or not contacting you is an answer sweetheart, its just not in the way us ladies like to have answers (e.g talked through, analysed, explained etc) Men find it easier to just go silent or not talk anymore or just ignore us but that enrages us because we want and need a verbal answer, they just don't get it. At the moment, he is saying with his actions that he does not want to communicate with you, whether that changes or not is anyone's guess. Frankly, you could do without someone who listens to his Mother about decisions he should make himself in life and you could do without someone who is starting to behave in an ungentlemanly and childish manner.

Its a tough pill to swallow, when a man does this, but what can a woman do but get on with things? I have spent the last two years in agony with my FOB, heartbroken, devastated and depressed about what he has done does not even cover it. He thinks I should move on (he has), everyone else says move on, but its hard to let go when someone you love just does this to you. A lot of us on here totally understand how you feel, I certainly do. But don't waste a minute more of your time on someone who could end up being flaky about his own kid. Time is the only thing that will tell you what you need to know.

 

[surprisepg]

yea his silence speaks volumes.

 

[surprisepg]

Just an update... I heard from FOB. He messaged me last week telling me he missed me but we needed a time out

I didnt want to argue so I didnt say anything to that. Two days after that I spoke to him again regarding the baby. I showed him a vid of the scan my OB did on my appt and although he couldnt see much (men smh) he seemed interested in the baby and revealed that he was nervous.

I dont want to scare him off and trying not to put pressure on him so I'm staying away since I know he has a bit on his plate. I just feel that the time away has put a distance between us, one that I dont want. I guess I still have feelings for him.

BUT I am happy that he is showing some interest in the pregnancy as he asked me questions and for now thats all I can ask for.