Feeling anxious and just looking for a sympathetic ear...

[MrsMoose]

hi girls

I'm 6w2d after 2 blasto transfer through FET and have been feeling pretty ok emotionally up until last night. I've been feeling pretty positive about this pregnancy and even tentatively started thinking further into the future (like the 12 week scan/announcement, maternity leave, etc). I figured out the reason - it's round about this time back in Aug/Sept when I had a miscarriage, and I feel like I'm losing this baby too It may all just be in my head, which my hubby thinks it is, but I genuinely feel like it's not going to progress past this point. My boobs have suddenly started feeling less tender and my HPTs have all gone extremely faint or negative (they were very dark last week). I have a scan booked for Monday and a blood test this friday for thyroid and HCG beta, but I can't shake this feeling of anxiety and nervousness. I've been very short and snippy with DH last night because I'm feeling so anxious (and guilty too).

I know there's no way of knowing what's going on without a scan and bloodwork, so no matter how much Googling I do, or forums I read through or threads I post, I know that none of that matters until I get the scan. But I'm scared I'm going to drive myself crazy before then with worry DH thinks that without having PMA it's almost going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy because I'm not allowing myself to be positive about this pregnancy. He says I'm looking for reasons to be negative and for things to go wrong, and I think I am to some extent, but I feel that I'd rather be prepared if things are not going to work out again than be all hopeful and positive only for my dreams to be dashed again.

Has anyone been feeling like this too? I don't know how to deal with it. I'm sitting here at work, very listless, my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it all and I can't concentrate. Finding it very difficult at the moment.

Carmen. xx

 

[Jamandspoon]

Hello...
I am so sorry you are feeling this way and am sending you mahoosive virtual hugs

I totally understand how you feel, I had my last miscarriage in May this year and couldn't face the thought of being pregnant again as it was just too scary. We had decided to start again in the New Year, but here I am 5 weeks today.. The exact day I stopped feeling my pregnancy symptoms last time. I can't say anything to stop you worrying, but perhaps I could share what I am feeling so you know you're not alone in feeling this way?
Every time I move I poke my BBs to check they are still tender, I want MS as I have convinced myself if I get it everything will be ok with the baby, I can't sleep for worrying. it's natural ( and understandable given your circumstances to be worried, scared and frightened) I don't think anyone stops worrying until children are all grown up, married and having their own children!
Do you have a sympathetic doctor you could talk to about your worries and your fears? I hope so as maybe they could do a blood test to help you relax, stress is not good for your bun!! I have convinced myself everything was bad in this pregnancy as like a true poas additct I also carried on testing every day an, of course, the bloody clearblue with weeks thingy steadfastly refused to go up, I had a bloodiest yesterday which shows HcG of nearly 3,000 but clearblue is still convinced by 2-3. I would say you have to stop testing now, if you look on Internet it says testing after 6 weeks will give you ridiculous results eg hook effect and show lighter cos there's just TOO much hormone in there for the test to cope with.

All my thoughts are with you, if you would like to talk at anytime drop me a PM and I'll send you my email address as am also addicted to my email as well as poas!! I would try not to worry, Hpt don't tell you anything other than you're pregnant.

Sending you BIG hugs and all the best wishes

 

[nicky160880]

Hi Mrs Moose, I agree with jam, preg tests are funny things and some people find if they dilute their urine half water half urine a previous negative test can then show up strongly positive. I can totally relate to how you feel i spent week 3 to 8 in a constant state of nerves and angst. I had bleeding at 5, 6 and twice at 7 weeks preg but now I'm 10+3 and 3 scans later and things seem to be still progressing...???
I also had constant paranoia about preg symptoms but they do come and go and are not a good way to know if your pregnancy is OK or not.
Can you phone your Early Pregnancy Unit - they are such lovely people - they should be able to scan you at 6+2 and prob see a HB if all is OK...
try not to worry although i know that advice did not work for me.....
write back if you need xx

 

[sallykate888]

Hi there, I have just posted a similar sort of post. I can't offer any advice on how to manage this difficult time but I completely understand how you feel. I agree with jam and spoon - go to doctors - get some bloods done. You prob won't get a scan I got told no unless I was bleeding. You could pay for a private scan - that's what I have done - I'm going on sat - cost me 65 quid.

Its a horrible wait but you are def not alone!

xxx

 

[Smiler82]

Stop testing - there does come a point where the HCG levels are actually too high for a pregnancy test to deal with (I know that sounds mad but it's true!) as nicky says if you really want to keep testing you can dilute your pee to 50% with water and the test will handle it better. But honestly hun it's one of the things driving you mad so just stop

I totally understand how you feel though. This is our 3rd pregnancy and right now I can't even imagine there's truly a baby in there, I just don't feel 'connected' if you see what I mean. I think it's my brain stopping me from getting too attached incase it all goes wrong again. It's natural to feel this way around the time of your previous loss but hopefully once you get past that point, and you have a good scan result you will start to relax a little. I know the fear won't ever fully go away but I just hope the bloods and scan give you some reassurance.

Before I fell pg I started to use meditation tracks on my iPod and they really helped. Now I might try some of these https://www.barefootblog.co.uk/pregnancy-meditations/

 

[MrsMoose]

you ladies are so lovely!!!! You've made me cry...

Jam - you are a sweetheart, thank you for your kind words. I hear what you're saying, the worrying never does go away does it? I've also wished for ms, just something tangible so I can say I feel pregnant. I keep poking and prodding my bb's at the office, and keep thinking I'm going to be caught out self-groping one of these days, but it's all I can do to say to myself 'ok they're still tender so that must be good'. No sympathetic doctor I'm afraid, but really great fertility unit nurses. I'm seeing them Monday for a scan so will speak to them then, regardless of the outcome. I appreciate you saying we can chat via email, will drop you a pm. I stupidly did some HPTs when I got home (digi plus CB plus) and the plus was so faint you could barely see it and the digi has stayed at 1-2 (which it was on Fri). The IC's were just plain negative, even when I did the hook effect experiment and diluted my wee It's like I can't control myself, I'm a control freak feeling very out of control and out of my depth....

Nikki - gosh those weeks must have been so anxiety-filled for you when you didn't know what was going on! I can phone the EPU at my local hospital (I've been there 2 before...they know me) but I've already got my scan booked in at the fertility unit on Monday (SOP after IVF). Fingers crossed they will see something, as my last scan in Sept at supposedly 7 weeks showed an empty uterus (I knew I had miscarried when I bled the week before). Thank you for your sympathetic words

Sally - thanks honey. I've actually got my thyroid blood test this friday so I've asked them to include an HCG test as well. Maybe that will put my mind at ease, even though I have to wait a few days and results will only come in after scan. As glad as I am that I'm not alone, I'm really sad that other ladies are feeling the same anxiety I am....this pregnancy thing isn't easy!! Maybe it was easier in our grandparents' era, where you didn't know you were pregnant until you missed 2 or 3 periods and there was none of this early worrying of is it, isn't it....damn those ultra sensitive HPTs!!!

Smiler - you hit the nail on the head with the not feeling 'connected'. I feel the same, I feel like if I don't acknowledge that there's anything happening then I can't get hurt when it goes wrong (not if, when...how bad is that??) Thank you for that link, I'm going to check it out and see if I can get it on my iPod and listen to it in bed tonight.

Just wanted to say thanks again ladies. I know I'm not the only one out there, and I'm reassured that things may not be so bad. It's so typical that when you so badly want something, all you tend to see is the negative because you almost don't want to allow yourself to be happy and to feel like you could be lucky enough for it to happen to you. This early part of the pregnancy, the not knowing, is the absolute worst. I had a friend of mine only find out at 13 weeks pregnant that she actually was pregnant....found during her routine gynae appointment in SA. That's kind of how I wish I found out I was pregnant...none of this worrying during the early phases. But anyway, will let you know how Monday goes. And I'm going to try my very best not to pee on any more sticks...it's just making me more anxious. I think I've single handedly kept CB going with the amount of HPTs I've bought.....

Have a really lovely evening girls, and thank you once again, there's one giant hug back to you all (albeit a bit gingerly with the bb's still sore )

Carmen. xx

 

[MamaTex]

I just wanted to echo what the other ladies have said and say you are definitely not alone. At one point in this pregnancy, I wanted to pretend I was not pregnant. I didn't feel very connected to the baby. Whenever I started to get the least bit excited, I felt awful. Why I don't know, but I did!! My husband doesn't understand why I continue to worry and whenever he tells me not to worry I want to throw something at him!! I wish I had some advice on how to deal with it. I just take it one day at a time. I talk to my baby now in an attempt to be more excited and think positive. Some days will be harder than others, but congrats, you are pregnant. You are one step closer to seeing your rainbow baby!

 

[Smiler82]

MrsMoose - 'when and not if' is also how I feel. I'm just about to turn 8 weeks and I'm starting to think "ok the bleeding is going to come sometime in the next 4 weeks". I just feel like I have to prepare myself for that rather than for a baby. It's such a sad way to be. I haven't downloaded any of those meditation tracks yet - did you try any?

MamaTex I think the idea of talking to your baby is a great idea. I started talking to our previous 2 babies pretty quickly but this time I haven't done it. We also haven't given this one a nickname like we did with the others. Not sure if I can explain this very well but whilst I seem to be doing everything I can to not get too attached, if we lose this baby and I didn't form any kind of emotional attachment to them then I know I am going to be really sad and angry with myself. Just feels like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't

xx

 

[MrsMoose]

Hey Smiler

No I haven't tried them yet but will give them a go this weekend

MamaTex - that's a really sweet idea. I agree with you though Smiler, that's kind of how I feel, which is why I haven't REALLY acknowledged this pregnancy too much....

Ah well. Hopefully my scan on Monday will put my fears to rest.

Have a good weekend ladies.

Carmen. xx