Feeling Desperate after MC in October

[wearsunlight]

I can't seem to find my place in any of the ongoing threads, so I thought I'd start my own.

I had a missed miscarriage in October 2014. It was my first pregnancy. Since then, I was told to wait 3 cycles before trying again. Started trying in January--still no BFP. Was hoping to be pregnant before my original due date (May 7), but that's not looking too good.

I feel full of regret that I didn't try to get pregnant sooner (I'm not that old, but I'm not young--will be 31). I feel desperate and sad every month that I get my period because it reminds me of the baby I won't get to have and of the loss of another month without a BFP.

My periods have been all over the place since my miscarriage, whereas before they were very regular. One as short as 23 days, the most recent one my normal 27. I'm not sure if I should be concerned about this or if it's a normal part post-miscarriage?

I'm also not sure if my sadness is normal or beyond. I tend to get really depressed around my AF time, but it comes and goes throughout the month. I'm worried that I'm psyching myself out and worrying too much. I've heard people say that you should "just relax and not try too hard," but that sounds difficult when you want something so badly.

It's getting harder and harder to watch my friends and family members have child after child, and ask me "When are you having a family?" as if it's something I'm not wanting, desperately every minute of every day.

I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my life, and it's hard for me that I can't make it happen.

Anyway, this is my long crazy rant, just saying that I'm feeling sad. Hope that all of you out there are having lots of baby making magic and success!

xoxo Jess

 

[millyr75]

Hi wearsunlight.

What you're feeling is completely normal. Believe me.

I have had 2 losses since the 30th of September 2014. The first was a termination which my husband and I opted for with very heavy hearts as the prognosis for our little boy was to be a poor one once born. He was 14.5 weeks gestation at the time.

After that, I became desperate to become pregnant again. It completely consumed me. I became pregnant again on my third cycle after the termination but was always very uneasy about how it would go. At what would have been my 10 week mark, I went for an ultrasound which showed that our little one had stopped growing at 8 weeks and there was no longer a heart beat present.

I know exactly how you're feeling what with being surrounded by women who are either pregnant or who have just had babies. Your awareness of these things becomes so much more heightened due to your devastation of your loss. I find myself bursting into tears at random times, particularly around my period. It's completely normal and you're not on your own.

I found that after our first loss, my first cycle was very normal. It was a 28 day cycle with no hitches. My second cycle seemed to never end as I developed an ovarian cyst which can commonly draw out a cycle. It was a 38 day cycle!! I was getting so depressed. I fell pregnant on the 3rd cycle with the assistance of OPKs, temping and the Clearblue Fertility Monitor.

This time round I'm just beginning my first cycle after I had a D&C following the missed miscarriage. My first period started 3 days ago so I'm currently CD 3. I'm hoping that if it doesn't happen this cycle, that perhaps next cycle will be the lucky one.

I have been blessed with one happy, healthy little boy who is 18 months old. I think all of our luck was poured into him. He's a pleasure. I am turning 40 this year so my age works against me. You are still young so I'm so hopeful for you to be blessed with a healthy pregnancy next time around. Baby dust to you xx

 

[wearsunlight]

Thank you so much, millyr75 for your comment. It gives me hope--especially knowing that you have a beautiful 18 mo. I'm really trying to stay positive and not let myself get weighed down by the sadness of it all. My husband says that this is our story and no one else's. I try to think of that when I feel jealous of my friends and family members.

I wish you all the best with your second child. I know it will happen. xx

 

[AnnieMac2]

I'm sorry for both of your losses. Wearsunlight, I feel the same as you and milly and I've heard your same worries from every other woman in our shoes. For example, I'm worried about my age (35 and no children yet), am really sensitive around expecting women, and am on my first cycle after mc & fixated on how long I can hold out before taking an ept this week. Oh, and my first af was only 2-3 days long. I think you're being hard on yourself like most of us are. I honestly don't know if the nagging depression is normal. I have that too.

milly, my dr. said he recently delivered babies from two moms in their early 40s and I have a friend who is 44 and having a healthy pregnancy and due early this summer. xo

 

[swampmaiden]

hang in there, I thought id never have a baby after multiple mcs, but it happened when I was least trying for it. Focus on your health, and hopefully the rest will follow. Your game isnt over yet!!

 

[.hopeful.one.]

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.
This is the first thread that has made me feel normal. I completely understand Jess, I've been dealing with a lot of the same issues. At times ttc feels all consuming and I lose it.

There's nothing you can do but to stick with it. It's clear that you want children so you can't give up on them. It will happen when the time is right.

Best of luck on your journey!