Feeling down/guilty/disappointed already

[bubbles82]

I'm 12 weeks with my second baby, and although I don't know the gender for sure, I'm almost convinced it's a boy for various reasons. Once I saw the 12 week scan it seemed really obvious it was a boy, and I felt disappointed and then just horrible as I should just want a healthy baby regardless of gender, especially after three previous losses and a shaky start with this pregnancy.

I already have a DD who is two, and can't get my head around people wanting one of each. I thought I'd be ok with either this time after already having a girl, but it's like my girl preference is even stronger this time. I've always just imagined DD having a sister since she came along, getting to reuse all of her girly things we've packed away and been storing all that time, and I've had a girls name picked out since before being pregnant which I'm now feeling sad I won't be able to use. We won't be having anymore after this one, and I'm struggling with the idea of never having another girl and DD never having a sister. It seems strange I feel like that when I have a sister myself and we're not close at all, but I've imagined having two little girls growing up together and the idea of a boy just seems so strange. There will be just over three years between them when this one arrives, and all I can seem to imagine is a little brother getting on my DDs nerves for the first few years at least and them not really having much in common.

I know I really should just be grateful number two is on the way and all is well so far, and I really want to feel that way, but just feel really disappointed at the moment. I don't even want to find out gender before birth as I'm too scared to have it confirmed as boy half way through. I can't imagine actually being disappointed once he arrives and I meet him, so I feel like I'm best staying team yellow. I have a lot of pregnant friends or friends who have recently given birth or had gender confirmed, and I'm just feeling so jealous of all the ones who got their preferred gender and are able to be really excited and look forward to meeting their babies. My two closest friends have ended up with two boys and two girls and I really had my hopes up for two the same for us too but really don't think it's going to happen, and I've got a long way to go yet with the pregnancy.

 

[minties]

I felt like this baby was a boy at the 12 week scan. I did get a glimps at the nub and it was VERY boy looking. Baby kicks all the time too like my boy did. She is definitely a girl though so you never know.

 

[Isme]

I can understand how you feel.

I didn't have a preference when I was pregnant with my second child. It was a surprise pregnancy and I was just happy that things were going well, though I was aware that my daughter and DH were kinda hoping for a boy. When they told me she was "probably" a girl, I actually cried in the ultrasound room. (Which is super embarrassing, BTW.) I swear it wasn't because I was hoping for a boy, though. I was crying because I hated that they "weren't sure", and I also felt bad about letting everyone else down. The feelings passed, and once we were able to confirm that she was a girl at a later ultrasound, I felt much better about things. I hate uncertainty!

This time around I find myself with much stronger feelings about the gender, oddly enough. Everyone is hoping (and expecting me to also hope) for a boy since we already have two girls, and to be honest, the thought actually makes me really nervous. I am so deeply into being a girl mom at this point, and the idea of adding a little boy to the mix after all these years is really scary. Of course, I'm not even sure if this pregnancy will end up being viable anyway, so in the end I would absolutely be okay with a healthy baby of either gender.

In any case, I really hope you get the baby girl you're hoping for... and if not, then I hope you end up so in love with your son that you couldn't imagine him being anyone else.

 

[bubbles82]

Thank you for your kind words, it's nice to have somewhere to offload where others understand. I'm still feeling terrible about it all, I think the guilt about all these feelings is the worst part, but I can't help how I feel. I'm sure once he's here I'll forget what all the fuss was about, but right now I just can't see how a boy would fit into our lives, and I feel like I've lost my girl that probably never existed. We've been doing a spare room in the house up as a playroom for DD and all her toys and the room itself are so girly even though I tried to bear in mind it may have to be shared with both genders in the future.