Feeling hurt (sorry if this is an annoying rant)

[Carlyrae15]

Sorry for this rant but I feel so hurt about the way my inlaws treat me. They don’t actually say anything to mean to me, if’s more so that they practically ignore my existence.

OH has only one sibling..a sister and she lives at home with her parents. She is similar age to me and I have tried so hard to keep in contact with her and invite her to attend different events/nights out with me but she always politely declines.
OH and I live quite near their house (10 mins drive) and he regularly calls to do work on farm or fix his own machinery in a workshop he built there some years back so they see him most days and I think for that reason, they don’t see a need to keep in contact with me. That is fair enough as I am not immediate family but it’s nice to be nice!! They never invite me over and no it’s not the type of house you arrive to uninvited.
I regularly invite them to my house but they rarely do call. If they do call it’s at Christmas or e.g. after we got engaged. FIL NEVER visits just MIL and SIL.

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, I am now pregnant with their first Grandchild. OH announced the news to him after out 12 week scan and he informed me that they were very excited. SIL then text saying congrats and that it was great news etc... I think she just felt she had to as not a mention since.
Shortly after that, I met them randomly at a community event and they were acting really strange around me. FIL didn’t speak and MIL and SIL barely did . However they were all over cousin’s girlfriend in front of me asking if she would soon get married and have kids. I just left early.
Weeks passed and no word from inlaws until one evening SIL and MIL decided to visit us. I answered the door and they whispered ‘congrats by the way’ ...almost afraid OH would hear.During their visit, if I brought up about the pregnancy or baby, they swiftly changed the subject. Not once did they ask how I was feeling, how did hospital visits go...NOTHING!!
I felt soo hurt. Where is the excitement!! Their first grandchild!
Also, OH informed me that MIL would tell the rest of his family..aunts ,uncles etc.. But I have met many of them randomly since and they did NOT know. I had to tell them. I don’t understand why she is hiding it like some stigma or something. It’s the best news ever!! I am now 21 weeks! OH was very confused too.
I’m beginning to think they must hate me!! I don’t like to say too much to OH as I don’t want to sound like I am insulting his family and family is important.
I just wonder what will happen with Baby is born. Will they ignore he/she? Will they even come to visit!!
What do you guys think? Do you think they hate me? ( I am a good person with any friends and I would not even harm a fly). BTW I am with OH 10 years. I thought they might be less cold when we got married but no!! The strange thing is .. SIL OH (not married) seems so welcome in their home BUT he is not a good person atall.

 

[Amygdala]

Hi!
I'm not technically meant to be here yet so please don't tell on me!

It's hard to tell from afar of course but I think there could be other reasons for their strange behaviour. Maybe there has been a late loss in the family that you don't know about and your inlaws are scared to get excited because of that. Or maybe they're unsure of their place in baby's life because they expect you to be much closer to your own family and think they won't be as involved.

Maybe there's even some unspoken thing about visiting? Maybe they expect you to visit (I know a lot of parents do) and think you don't like THEM because usually OH goes by himself?

Or maybe they're just not very nice. I think there are plenty of explanations for this that don't mean they don't like you but then maybe they really do have some problem. But even if that's the case, it sounds like it's on them not you. Just continue to be friendly and welcoming, the rest is up to them.

One thing though: I'd talk to OH about. Openess is so important for a relationship, especially when there's a baby on the way. Hopefully things get better, but if they should get worse, you don't want to be building up resentment without your OH knowing. He's in the best position to sort this out! He can tell them that you two would really like to see more of them for example and if you really think they have a problem with you, he's best placed to ask them about it. Most importantly, he should know how you feel so he can support you. Just make sure you don't accuse his family of anything but just tell him how you feel.

 

[Carlyrae15]

Thanks so much for taking time out to reply to me . Don't worry i won't tell Lol.

Well they did lose their son 9 years ago in a tragic accident. He was the youngest in the family, age 17.

Do you think this could have anything to do with it?

Saying that, there was a loss in my family too and they would NEVER act like this. They are over the moon with joy .

I agree communication with OH is so important BUT I really don't want to upset him or cause hassle between him and his family. I respect that they are very important to him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm extra sensitive due to pregnancy hormones.

 

[SaraVO]

I'm going through something similar. On one side I have my mil and her second husband who just came for a long weekend. She asked so many questions and had concerns and gave beautiful compliments. Her husband said I looked stunning and beautiful and they are absolutely flying back when our baby boy is born. On the other side I have a fil his wife and step daughters that have been around since husband was twelve and they have always ignored me. We didn't have a wedding last year but all of our friends and family sent a little present or card nothing from them not even a facebook post and now with the baby they haven't acknowledged his existence at all. I'm hurt. My husband doesn't care but it sucks so much to feel like your baby doesn't matter to family. Hang in there you aren't alone and I'm free to complain to anytime.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

Oh darling wish I could offer a solution but unfortunately I'm pretty much in the same boat, only I haven't gotten so much as a congratulations from FIL or MIL. They've only criticized our decision to have a kid at a financially inopportune time and have questioned whether or not this was planned. This is their first grandchild, they only have one living child now (one died at 21 bless her soul). You mentioned they lost their son too, about 9 years ago (that's when PIL lost their daughter) so I think a lot of that has to do with it. They have said the same thing about not feeling any necessity to call me and ask how I'm doing, extend an invite to dinner, etc.

In my case I think a lot has to do with the fact there's not much of an emotional connection there and I attribute that to the loss of their daughter but there are some things from their childhoods respectively that suggest they've been pretty disconnected for a long time. That doesn't make it OK or any less hurtful, but maybe offers a little understanding where they are coming from? I don't think they are trying to be hurtful or vindictive, they literally just don't know any better

It's such a strange concept for me to deal with personally because I grew up in a place where we hash things out instead of stifling it and pretending everything is ok. Personally I've made the choice to not subject myself to it: if it works for them, it can work for them, but it doesn't work for me in the slightest. And that means missing out on a lot of their grandkid's life (which they don't even seem too compelled to try to be a part of (their words are they won't continue to be demanded to meet standards [standards like just giving me a call to talk to me--that concept is foreign to them or something????])) Wish I had a solution for you dear but sometimes people are the way they are and there's no budging them. Surely if they weren't your PIL you'd just tell em to buzz off but now you can't do that.

Well ultimately it is your choice if you think it's appropriate to bring that kind of behavior that has those affects on you around. Maybe you will feel differently after you give birth, or maybe they will. But for right now you gotta to surround yourself with people who HAVE been openly supportive and interested in you as well as the baby. Don't worry too much about what's going on in their heads because A) the answer will never satisfy your good heart and B) they're the ones missing out and that just means you get to soak up more of the love from others!!!

 

[Mom03]

Hugs!!!!

 

[Qmama79]

I wld address it with OH as he's the bridge between you all. It'll feel uncomfortable if they'll be this distant when baby is there. They can't expect to see their grandchild without you, right?
Try to address it positively with your husband as an opportunity to unite the family more. There is obviously something going on. If they keep their distance, then let go & move on. Every family has its quirkinesses.

 

[minties]

That does sound very hurtful and quite strange!

They should make an effort with you, even if they don't like you (which I know sounds a bit mean of me to say, but sometimes we just don't like people and there may be no reason for it).

All the hushed tones about your pregnancy is very weird, but I did find my MIL was a bit like that too. She found it awkward to talk about.

 

[Misscalais]

Honestly from my experience let it go. Get on with your life and don't worry what they have to think. My mil is evil and her and her entire family are not in our lives any more. Its just not worth the drama or the heart ache. 1st thing my mil said when we told her i was expecting DS1 was oh not im too young to be a grandma and that she knew there had to be a reason why we had just got engaged!!!!! I didn't know i was pregnant when we got engaged ( i was probably about 4 weeks or so, and we didn't find out i was pregnant until 10 weeks! ) my hubby had, had the ring stashed at my cousins for 3 months prior to asking as well and we had already been dating for 5 years! )
If they want to be involved let them if not no skin off your nose hun.

 

[Taima]

If I were you I would let it go. Ignore them as they are ignoring you. Maybe they will realize that you aren't going to run after them. Then they'd change their attitude. But really I would not care for anyone who doesn't care for me. I know you would have liked to have them as like a family and it shows how kind you are but some people will just never be family.

 

[laila 44]

Something doesn't sound right. There must be a reason why they are acting that way, people don't behave awkwardly for no reason at all. I would address the issue with DH and see where it goes. If they continue to outright ignore I would speak to them directly and lay it out on the table. After all you are family and these are your child's future grandparents so I wouldn't just sweep it under the rug. You may discover there's a reason behind it all xx