Please mummy's.. No harsh judgement.. This is hard enough 
Last month I had my mirena removed as it was causing a lot of pain and making me unwell.. I decided that I would track my ovulation using OPKS.. And I noted the positive OPKS. I had DTD and sure enough received a BFP exactly one month post removal. (Shocked and suprised..)
I was excited on the BFP day, but after that day.. I was a mess. I was very angry and upset at the father and I automatically felt fear and upset that this would end in miscarriage (6th pregnancy, 1 child earth side).. I lashed out a lot at the father and told him I felt very disconnected from both him and the child. I just didn't want to get my hopes up.. HCG levels were rising fantastically and they looked like they were doing well.. U/S were not so convincing.. I've had 3 so far.. 1st one didn't show much except the gestational sac (which was fine, was estimated 5-5.5 week mark..).. Second scan a week later - sac noted, small yolk sac noted & maybe what looked like a fetal pole (but very unsure..)... Just had a scan yesterday at what should be 7w - gestational sac had grown, yolk sac had grown.. But no fetal pole.. Couldn't see anything else. Sonographer noted what could be a bleed but she said it was well away from the sac and shouldn't be concerned.. Of course due to past hx, I knew this wasn't going to end well. I rang my OB/GYN and told them the situation.. Dr called back a few hours later and said there was no definitive yes or no answer and to see him in 1-2 weeks.. Booked in for next Wednesday.. But I'm completely dreading it. Just started back at uni full time & got so much on my plate. I feel exhausted and so sick.. I felt so detached and so upset from the pregnancy and I feel like a monster. How could a mother feel this way. Feeling like such a horrible person. Almost like I was undeserving of this child.
These next 7 days are going to be hell. Paranoid everytime I go to the toilet.. Constant paranoia.. I know there are positive stories to situations like this.. But I'm just feeling completely miserable and like a failure.. Yet again.
Thanks for reading - needed to get it out somewhere.
Last month I had my mirena removed as it was causing a lot of pain and making me unwell.. I decided that I would track my ovulation using OPKS.. And I noted the positive OPKS. I had DTD and sure enough received a BFP exactly one month post removal. (Shocked and suprised..)
I was excited on the BFP day, but after that day.. I was a mess. I was very angry and upset at the father and I automatically felt fear and upset that this would end in miscarriage (6th pregnancy, 1 child earth side).. I lashed out a lot at the father and told him I felt very disconnected from both him and the child. I just didn't want to get my hopes up.. HCG levels were rising fantastically and they looked like they were doing well.. U/S were not so convincing.. I've had 3 so far.. 1st one didn't show much except the gestational sac (which was fine, was estimated 5-5.5 week mark..).. Second scan a week later - sac noted, small yolk sac noted & maybe what looked like a fetal pole (but very unsure..)... Just had a scan yesterday at what should be 7w - gestational sac had grown, yolk sac had grown.. But no fetal pole.. Couldn't see anything else. Sonographer noted what could be a bleed but she said it was well away from the sac and shouldn't be concerned.. Of course due to past hx, I knew this wasn't going to end well. I rang my OB/GYN and told them the situation.. Dr called back a few hours later and said there was no definitive yes or no answer and to see him in 1-2 weeks.. Booked in for next Wednesday.. But I'm completely dreading it. Just started back at uni full time & got so much on my plate. I feel exhausted and so sick.. I felt so detached and so upset from the pregnancy and I feel like a monster. How could a mother feel this way. Feeling like such a horrible person. Almost like I was undeserving of this child.
These next 7 days are going to be hell. Paranoid everytime I go to the toilet.. Constant paranoia.. I know there are positive stories to situations like this.. But I'm just feeling completely miserable and like a failure.. Yet again.
Thanks for reading - needed to get it out somewhere.
