feeling like it's a touchy subject.... boys in girls clothes

[DonnaBallona]

My 4 year old son has always liked girls things. he has an older sister who he is extremely close to- in age and emotionally. Since he could move he has played with anything he liked, he had his own pram and baby, he LOVES to Hoover, he loves dressing up (but only in dresses) dancing etc etc. never once bothered me.

Thing is, now he's going to school in a week. I'm beginning to fret. he's so sensitive and hasn't noticed (or doesn't care) that other boys his age aren't wearing dresses and tiaras in town, nighties to bed or pushing prams.

iv tried hiding the dresses, ignoring it, talking to him about it but it doesn't seem to change him.

Please please please don't jump on me, I don't want to CHANGE my boy, he is who he is and I adore every cell of his being. I haven't encouraged nor discouraged this game but it's snowballing and the older he gets the more he LOVES to be a bit different. I'm fretting he's going to go to school and be teased relentlessly! I don't know how to handle this, whether I should be doing something about this or whether it really WILL change by itself. if he wants to dress like a girl, I don't give a rats butt, but other children will!
thoughts?

 

[Rósa]

I wouldn't worry, the boys in my LO nursery wear the princess dresses. You may just find when he goes to school, he may just gravitate to the boys and play with what they are playing. Is he in nursery or reception?
I see he is 4? so take it it is reception? How did he play in nursery?

 

[DonnaBallona]

he got changed into a dress, shoes, tiara and handbag as he went through the door at nursery. I sent him to the nursery Xmas concert in a Christmas tree outfit that he had requested I make, only to turn up and find my boy dressed like Cinderella!

He is going into reception in a weeks time.

 

[emyandpotato]

I am in the minority here I know- I got slated for this massively in News & Debates once, but I stand by it- I think you should let him wear what he wants.

At school he'll be in uniform anyway, right? So no real gender difference as probably most girls will wear trousers too. Outside of that I don't see a problem with him wearing dresses if he chooses. I think it's important to explain to him, though, that a lot of people see dresses as girls' clothes, and that because of that other children might not understand and might tease him. But make it clear to him that it isn't wrong, just different, and you love him whoever he is and whatever he wears.

And at four I think most children are quite accepting and open to new things.

 

[DonnaBallona]

Emy I firmly agree with you, I honestly don't care what he wears, he's happy and very much loved whatever his body is covered with!

from the very beginning I haven't batted an eyelid if he wanted to dress up or do things that others found odd. however, it seemed more acceptable when he was small to 'get away with it' but now he's bigger even adults have started to pass judgement on him and comment that I shouldn't allow it.

naturally I want to protect my boy from years of teasing and ridicule purely because he doesn't want to wear clothes that are 'boring', but I'm torn because if this is the start of a lifelong thing then I don't want to push him away!

I'm so confused!

 

[lindseymw]

I am in the minority here I know- I got slated for this massively in News & Debates once, but I stand by it- I think you should let him wear what he wants.

At school he'll be in uniform anyway, right? So no real gender difference as probably most girls will wear trousers too. Outside of that I don't see a problem with him wearing dresses if he chooses. I think it's important to explain to him, though, that a lot of people see dresses as girls' clothes, and that because of that other children might not understand and might tease him. But make it clear to him that it isn't wrong, just different, and you love him whoever he is and whatever he wears.

And at four I think most children are quite accepting and open to new things.

I'm going to agree with this.

It's sad that in this day & age you have to be worried what other people will think of a 4 year old boy dressing up in a princess dress if that what he chooses to wear.

I would definately explain to your Son as Emy has said.

 

[mummy2o]

At my sons school his friend still dresses up in dresses and he's 7. He's the only boy who still does and it doesn't seem to bother him. Apparently he and my son got married before they broke up for their holidays. No one has either teased his friend about this though.

 

[Wannabe Mommy]

I remember my little brother adamantly wanting a belle from Beauty and the beast dress for his 4th birthday.

He's 14 now and still unique but no longer wears dresses he's all about chain mail at the minute

He was never teased at school for the dress thing.

 

[PresqueVu]

My son is four and loves the princess type clothes, they are way more interesting a lot of the time! I don't think your son will be that much of a minority, although he might have a stronger preference for the moment

I like how Emy has said about the explanation. It sounds like you've given him the confidence to know he's okay whatever he chooses

 

[hattiehippo]

My son is 4.8 and starting school in 2 weeks...he also loves dressing as a princess and 'girls' toys like My Little Pony and Tinkerbell. He is not at all interested in superheroes, cars etc but does love dinosaurs and trains. He knows he is the only boy at his nursery class who dresses up as a princess now but isn't bothered by it.

In the last 3 months he has begun to understand that it is ok for him to dress up in princess dresses or as a fairy because that is pretend but that he is a boy and he wears boys clothes normally. Because I don't want him to be mocked or picked on at school I have stuck with this. If when he is older and understands more he wants to wear girls clothes normally then that's fine and I will support him with that but at 4 it's my job to protect him. At nursery the other kids haven't cared as they've all grown up together and that's just him but school with older kids is very different.

I do think it's very sad that it's fine and even encouraged for girls to wear whatever they like and play with traditionally boys toys but boys who want to do the same are still seen as wierd or wrong by lots of people.

 

[DonnaBallona]

thank you for all the replies, iv found them very helpful to read!

I do find it difficult though to get a good balance, because everybody IRL I chat to about it says it doesn't matter.... but when we're at playgroup or on play dates together and he prances in dressed up like Elsa, singing at the top of his sweet little lungs, there's a whole host of sniggering and stupid comments being thrown about. many people say it doesn't matter, but if it was THEIR son.....?

I have decided to carry on as we are, I love Bertie just the way he is and I'm sure as he gets older he wil learn what is socially acceptable out of the house and what he can do in his own time.

This parenting lark is really tricky!!!!!!

 

[Abigailly]

I so second the whole 'parenting lark is really tricky'.

DD started school on Wednesday. Every little girls there was in a school shirt, tie, pinafore and pretty dolly shoes and their hair in plaits with bows, my DD turned up in a pair of trousers, school polo top and black trainers out the boys section of clarks. I put her hair in plaits as it's the only thing that controls her mop but when I picked her up she'd tied them in a knot on top of her head as they were 'getting all up in my face'.

She doesn't get along with little girls and has no interest in doing dancing or playing 'mums and dads'. She plays junior rugby and does taekwondo. She dresses up as iron man and the hulk... It's not quite what I expected when I had a little girl. When she was little I put dresses on her and bows in her hair but as she's old enough to voice her opinion I don't stand a chance.

Do you know what though, she's happy. I sometimes get comments, especially at parties etc about how I should be dressing her as a girl but they don't know her. They don't know that if I put her in a dress she'd spend half the time with it up round he neck pretending it was a cape.

She's so confident within herself though, I don't want to change that. I don't want society to chnge that. But at the same time I'd love for her choose a girls t shirt instead of a boys one, just to protect her. To stop those sly comments she's going to get while growing up.

 

[hattiehippo]

thank you for all the replies, iv found them very helpful to read!

I do find it difficult though to get a good balance, because everybody IRL I chat to about it says it doesn't matter.... but when we're at playgroup or on play dates together and he prances in dressed up like Elsa, singing at the top of his sweet little lungs, there's a whole host of sniggering and stupid comments being thrown about. many people say it doesn't matter, but if it was THEIR son.....?

I have decided to carry on as we are, I love Bertie just the way he is and I'm sure as he gets older he wil learn what is socially acceptable out of the house and what he can do in his own time.

This parenting lark is really tricky!!!!!!

It's so true! I get all the damn time to let him be who he is or it doesn't matter but clearly it does to a lot of people when you can hear them sniggering, or staring at him or telling me 'don't worry, he'll grow out of it soon'. I feel like just shouting 'I don't care, he is who he is'. I even had one father ask me if my husband was 'that way to' when Tom went to a 4th birthday party as a pirate princess. He was lucky I didn't thump him tbh.

Luckily we have good friends and family who aren't bothered and no-one makes comments in front of him. Since 4 1/2 he's got much more aware of the differences between how boys and girls are expected to behave and dress so will wear his boys clothes without question but any chance to dress up or have the 'girls' option and he's there. I love when he asks me if people don't know that boys can have girls things too!

 

[jensonsmummy]

My boys are very much boys boys but I wish people would let kids be kids and do/wear/play with whatever they want. When my eldest was little I got him a doll and pram which is brother now plays with. The amount of people that have commented on it is unreal. Seriously who cares if my boys have a doll or pram. Some day they might be a father and push a pram so what is the big deal.

I can totally see why you were asking tho, as parents want to protect their kids as much as possible and others can be so cruel xx

 

[seoj]

It's a catch 22- really... as we always want to encourage and support or kids to be WHO they are. Regardless of what others say or think- but being adults, we also know how cruel and ruthless others can be and of course we want to protect our children from that. It's our JOB right?! So sometimes, it's going to be a tough call- but at the end of the day, if your child is loved and encouraged and protected and supported AT HOME- I think that well outweighs any batttles they may face in the "real world". Least that is my hope.

My SD (who's 17 now)- is very outgoing and friendly and self assured. Unlike a lot of girls her age- she was willing to be herself, regardless of what anyone thought. So there were girls (particularly in middle school through 9th grade) that would single her out and throw nasty names her way- all cause she talked to some boy they didn't have the guts to approach. She's also very open with people- she doesn't mind speaking up or telling her opinions- So in that, she has been the target of some cruelty. But she is also so loving and caring and wants to help anyone that needs help... so it was SO tough at times to allow her to be who she was- I wanted to scream at the girls poking fun or name calling- I wanted to remind them THEY were the ones with the issue, not my kid! And yeah, sometimes I wanted to tell my daughter to be more private- to hide part of WHO she was to avoid the name calling. But it's what makes her so amazing! I know it's not at all the same thing- but it's going to be a battle for most kids/parents at one point in their life. And when it came down to it- I just told my daughter to be who she was... and with that comes negativity at times. But the ones being negative, are truly the ones she shouldn't care about. And I'll admit- when she was old enough to "get it" - I did advise her that being a certain way would bring some criticism- and it was HER choice as to how she was (or wasn't). I wanted to protect her. But I always allowed her to be herself.

Hope that made sense-- but I think you have to trust that there will be those that don't care what your child does, cause they will see the amazing person he is. Best of luck hun

 

[annanouska]

my ds is two he loves pink sparkly and girls and for a child with no concept of gender stereotype this is hardly surprising! It's like being offered a plate of digestives, rich tea and then super fancy posh chocolate biscuits. Typical "girls" things are far more appeali g to the eye I would imagine.

He has just started dressing up in princess clothes at nursery,I'm so proud as he is being assessed for ASD so this is showing imagination yet all I get is stick off my in laws, they absolutely hate it and are so horrible to me for allowing it? It really gets to me that I'm doing all I can to make my son happy and let him explore and be him and get criticised for it.

He loves diggers, trucks, worms and running around like a mad man too I really do t see the issue grrrrrrr

 

[sausages]

My DS is the same. He loves dressing up as a princess with his elder sister and if you ask him what he wants to be when he grown up he will reply, "A Princess!" I'm pretty sure there's no gender confusion in him as he is typically "boyish" in other ways and doesn't say he feels like a girl he just thoroughly enjoys playing with his sister at Barbies, babies, princesses etc.

I'm not worried about school just because I am hoping (perhaps naively) that most parents will teach their kids how i teach mine. A girl in DDs class is not a "girly girl". She loves spiderman and won't wear dresses and all the rest of it. DD once came home and told me that her friend has a spiderman lunchbox and its awful because it's for boys. I hate that because i have always managed to avoid saying things are for boys or for girls. So she'd obviously got it from someone at school. I corrected her saying that the important thing is that her friend likes it. There is no such thing as for boys or for girls and that i hoped she didn't say that the her friend as it's not a nice thing to do - she should respect other people's choices.

If DS is still into pink as much when he starts school, I hope that his friends will be accepting. And if they're not I hope that he has the confidence to push on with his own choices regardless.

 

[Kate&Lucas]

He sounds like a really confident little boy, I'm sure he'll be fine. In my experience it's usually parents who have the biggest problem with difference, not the kids.
When I was little my best friends were the boys who liked to dress up and sing/dance (one is now a theatre actor). They might not have played football with the boys but the girls LOVED them. It was great fun having a boy friend to dress up all pretty

Lucas was a pretty "girly" child before he started school. He changed completely once he made friends with the more "boyish" kids there, he's all about pirates and superheroes now

 

[DonnaBallona]

thank you so much for all the reassuring posts! it's given me a bit of confidence in my choices and I'm pleased with how my son is turning out. he is confident but sensitive and has many friends who love him the way he is.

bring on the school journey; I'm excited to see what it will bring. thank you all!! c

 

[Foogirl]

It's a tough one for sure. No one cares if a girl wants to dress as superman, so why shouldn't a boy be free to dress as a princess? But of course, you are dealing with a social convention and it's one thing to say "he should be allowed" it's quite another to expect four year old peers to grapple with that. It is true that four year olds can be quite accepting. But some of them can't and they do tease and make fun and encourage their friends to do the same. I have a hard time coping with that, especially as I can't make a parental decision to change the things about Abby they are pointing and staring at. The things I can stop her doing that make her "different," I do.

For school I'd deal with it this way. let him know firmly that there is a uniform you expect him to wear for school - even if the reception class don't have one or it is optional, and make sure he knows that he must wear the same every day. But at home, when playing, he can choose what to wear. That way he understands that it isn't acceptable to just wear whatever he feels, whenever he wants. He will learn the appropriate clothes and will choose what he wishes to wear as he gets older. He might decide what playing out with his friends wearing a dress is what he wants to do, and they might accept that. If they don't he'll decide whether or not he wants to do his own thing.