Feeling lonely

[rainbowone]

Sorry this will probably be quite a long post, so apologies in advance. I am in quite a dark place after having lost my 8th baby (FET) just days before christmas. We went for a 13 week scan after seeing a strong healthy baby and heartbeat 3 times already. The monographer was unbelievably insensitive, hadn't ready my notes, so wasn't sure why I was there, etc, and then said, 'Right, let's see if this baby is alive." He then said, well. there is no heartbeat. Just like that. After a terrible hour in a quiet room where I fell apart we decided to have the surgical option as medical over Christmas seems like too much to handle. I had my ERPC on the 22nd and powered on through Christmas as I have a beautiful toddler (also IVF after 4 miscarriages and 2 ectopics). My OH wasn't able to come to the hospital for the procedure with me, he dropped me and went off to work and then picked me up after a very long day completely alone.
After Christmas I went back to work as a dance teacher and all was fine, until 3 weeks later I was in class and I suddenly was gushing blood everywhere. Luckily the girls I was teaching were teenagers and very sensible, got me to the toilet and called their mothers, all very supportive etc. This then happened several more times over the weekend, until I phoned the ward and they asked me to come back in for a scan. OH again couldn't come with me, so when they told me I was still full of 'products' and blood, and had to wait alone again for another 2 hours to see a consultant, was starting to feel as if I had to do this alone again. Got booked in for a second procedure the following day, got there and OH had to go to work. So throughout this whole debacle my LG has got chicken pox and I have had to deal with that totally by myself. He won't get up in the night to look after her, so the day in went in for the second op I had 2 hours sleep trying to calm her itching and get her back to sleep while he slept quite soundly. His reasoning is that he still has to go to work. I really don't know if I am being unreasonable to expect a little help? I am at home now, he has been at work all day today and was home for an hour before going out to play squash. I am not one to be walked over and for the first time in our relationship I feel like he is not involved in this at all. He just sat over dinner and said he had been invited to a golf weekend away in 2 weeks after having just got back from a weekend in amsterdam, am I nagging or should I just let him get on with it? Just feel really lonely, I'm sorry for the ridiculously long first post as well!

 

[msbene]

First off ((( HUGS ))) and so sorry for your losses.

It could be several issues going on and you won't really know until you communicate with your hubby. Easier said than done. First off I would work on getting to a better place rest-wise and emotionally. Do you have others to lean on - family, friends? Personally I need to be as whole emotionally as possible when "confronting" my hubby on stuff, else I just unravel and make it easier for him to label me "hormonal" etc.

When I do have a lot of pent-up feelings towards my man I write letters to him to express myself... Gets my thoughts across but puts a little distance.

Your hubby may be avoiding dealing with his and your pain by using work as an escape and disengaging emotionally from you. I think communicatuon and also telling him SPECIFIC ways to support you would help. My hubby is daft as a doorknob when it comes to intuitively knowing how to support me - so I have to give him specific tasks. After 8 yrs of marriage, he now has "memorized" certain things that I need done...

I'm thinking of you mama. Pls breathe deeply and try not to take things too much to heart. Be kind to your spirit 😘😘

 

[Left wonderin]

You poor thing . I'm so sorry your going through this . I experienced similar in 2012 . Tbh your husband sounds like an idiot !!! Unless there was some really good reason and I mean a REALLY good one that he had Togo to work he should have been there at the hospital for you . ( that's my opinion anyhow ) it is so hard when two people are in such pain and maybe dealing with it differently . Try sit him down and talk about what has happened , tell him how your doing and what you need . Maybe ask how he is coping with loosing your LO too.

If this is " out of the blue " behaviour for him and not the norm maybe he is finding it difficult to " deal" with what happend and doesn't know what to say to you either so is avoiding it totally .

I hope you guys work it out . Take really good care of yourself , your grieveing too . Its so hard . Just take every hour as it comes and do what you need to do to get through it . You will be ok againxxxxxxx

 

[Wish85]

I'm sorry you are going through this and sorry for your loss.

Only you know your husband and whether this is out of character for him or his normal behaviour but if it were me and my OH I would kick his ass. To me that is being selfish and disrespectful. Doesn't sound like he has spared a thought for you at all.

What work is so important that he can't be by his wife's side whilst having these procedures done? Is he the President or something?

 

[rainbowone]

Thanks for your lovely replies ladies, I am feeling much better today, I took your advice and wrote down the things that were bugging me so that I could tell him without losing the plot. Turns out he hadn't told anyone at work what had happened and so was sneaking out. I think we've worked some of it out, but a long way to go. We've been together 10 years, so I'm sure we will get through, it's just very raw this time round.
Thanks for listening.

 

[Wish85]

Glad the two of you are sorting things out. This is why communication is so important. Everything is all about perception.

Hope it works out for you xx