Feeling really low and need advice

[OktoberCat]

Sorry if this is long winded and doesn't make much sense. My friend and I have babies the same age. This is some background info;

Friend: Had a rocky childhood. Only child/No abuse but mum didn't give her much attention. Suffered PND with her firstborn. Has a shopping addiction and a history of self harm. Was in abusive relationship at 15.

Me: Good childhood until parents divorced aged 10. Suffered shaken baby syndrome as a result of babysitter losing cool with me at 8 months. History of sexual abuse with friend of family. Was in physically and emotionally abusive relationship at 18. Happily married now, had PND with first and then in October I had a stillborn (baby was disabled and died in me).

When we first became friends I was really happy; we went on daytrips out and it was really nice to meet someone suffering from PND and with a baby the same age as mine/. We both spoke about our problems and it felt nice to know someone who was going through the same.

However, recently I feel like I can't really talk to her anymore. She constantly has health visitors, psychologists, nursery workers, child support workers etc rallying around her, and every time I see her she tells me how ill her child is/ how mentally unwell she is/how hard her life is/how highly advanced her child is (we have the same health visitor, although mine hasn't been in contact since my stillborn, and my friend claimed that my health visitor said that her child was the most intelligent child she's ever met in her entire career, which made me feel really low).

I'm always happy to lend an ear but recently I feel like I'm coping less and less. Me mam doesn't bother much with me (she lives down south now) and although my husband is amazing he doesn't like bringing up certain things. MY GP isn't much help and I feel like I have no one to turn to, as every time I try to talk to my friend she turns it into a "my life is worse than yours" competition and it's frustrating. It always seems like she has to constantly have it worse off than everyone, and I just need someone to listen really.

I try so hard to be positive and suggest things but she's so negative all the time that it kind of drags me down. For example, if her baby won't sleep I suggest X Y or Z and there's always a reason why she can't even consider any of it and how it's useless even suggesting it.

We've even booked a holiday this year (careful scrimping and saving) for the first time in 4 years, which I'm so looking forward to, but she's making me feel guilty because she wants to go on holiday this year (by saying "ohhhh I wish I could afford to go away" even though she's got a holiday already booked for next summer).

I don't want to bring it up as I'm afraid we'll fall out over this, and I love her to peices (she's my only real friend who has a baby and I love the bond our children have).

My only other problem is that she always tells my daughter off if she does something I.E.crawls over her daughter's legs, or biting (her daughter put her finger in my daughters mouth and my DD bit her). I know DD has to grow up knowing that pother people will tell her off, but I feel she's a little young to be told off, especially when I don't say anything to her DD.

I'm really struggling. I'm hallucinating and suffering bouts of paranoia (I think the police are going to take my child away). I'm so anxious atm and I don't really have any support network and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to feel this pain either. I can't look forward to anything or get too attached to my baby incase SS think I'm hurting her and decide to take her away.

Please be gentle with me. I just can't help feel a little bit jealous that she constantly has all this help rallying around her (sending her on courses, financial aid etc) and I get nothing.

Sorry, never done something like this before

 

[Teri7489]

First of all, well done for managing to post that up! And I don't mean that in a patronising way. It takes real guts to admit what you have. I grew up in a great family, have amazing parents....and I struggled big time when I had Isabella. I walked out the house, told her I didn't want her, wished she wasn't born and literally had no help from health visitors or midwives even though I told them. My husband was the only support I had as felt I couldn't tell anyone in my family about it. My husbands much younger friends girlfriend had a baby (she's 17) and is always going on about how amazing being a mummy is, how easy it is blah blah blah and I was green with envy. She has now turned it in to a competition as you say, she's more tired, she's been up longer, lo's more of a handful. The point I'm trying to make is, I don't think mums truly express what is happening behind closed doors. We all like to think out children are the best in the world, and quite rightly so! Some people are just no good at being jokey about it. Others enjoy being the centre of attention. Maybe your friend is just not so subtle about her life or maybe she's fabricating or exaggerating some of it for more attention, for her own reasons?

At the end of the day, you need to focus in bringing up your LO. She's your baby and you decide what happens in her life. You don't need to fall out with your friend, just maybe distance yourself for a while until you are a little stronger again?

I really would suggest going back to your HV. You need to explain that your mood isn't at a great level, your are having episodes of anxiety and need some support. You won't loose your daughter based on having dark thoughts, being depressed or any of your symptoms. Only when children are on danger or neglected do SS's step in to help you. If you need to talk more then PM me xxx