Feeling so rubbish... **rant**

[LilMiss_91]

So I know me and OH have only been NTNP for a relatively short amount of time but I feel like giving up already. Every month I stupidly get my hopes up despite trying to be uber casual about things. And every month when AF shows or like the 2nd month, I tested :BFN: it just kills my spirit. Every month I fail to conceive it just seems to reinforce the idea at the back of my mind that there's something physically wrong with me and that I can't get pregnant. I know it's probably only because it's the one thing I have always wanted so badly that I worry about it so much but it's hard not to after my loss a few years ago. It's so horrible feeling like your body rejected something it was supposed to nurture and I worry that that's just going to continue happening and I'll never have the family I always wanted. Every month of failing just hurts so much and in a way I wish we weren't trying at all because then I could just bury my head in the sand and not have to think about all the what ifs and maybes.

I don't mind if I get any replies to this or not, just needed to get it off my chest.

 

[wellsk]

Don't worry sweet, I feel exactly the same. I get really obsessed with symptom spotting, etc. and every twinge, you're adamant that this is your month. Only to be gutted when AF arrives.
I described it as grieving for the baby that was in your mind, just not in your womb. it's okay to be upset and disappointed. But you need to pick yourself up, look at each AF as a fresh start and try again. You would feel worse if you gave up the idea of having children, really!
how long have you been TTC again? It can take 12 months for a perfectly healthy couple to conceive.
Are you doing everything you can?
Like vitamins for you and OH, healthy diet and exercise, less alcohol and caffeine. No smoking (either of you), BD'ing every other day, or if not charting/temping/OPKs. Using fertility lubricants if needed.
There are lots of tricks to try. Don't give up hope!

 

[LilMiss_91]

Well it's nice to know I'm not the only one. That's a pretty good way of describing it really, in a nutshell. I know, and deep down I know I could never give up at least trying to have children and it's only wishful thinking that I could just leave it bury my head because even if I did stop trying the wanting wouldn't go away *sigh*.
Maybe this is just a phase and I'll relax a bit more when I get used to it. Oh and we've only been trying, well, ntnp, for a little over 2 months.
Well I take a daily multivitamin & mineral, have majorly cut down my smoking to no more than 4 a day and same goes for OH. Neither of us drink and we've both been trying to improve our diets. I just want to try and avoid the OTT charting and temping etc because that'll be just another thing to get obsessed with :S but I don't know... if it gets to the 6 month mark I might have to consider it, just to put my mind at ease really to find out if my body's doing what it's supposed to!
Thanks for your reply wellsk it really does help to be reminded I'm not the only one going through this and it's just the way it feels sometimes.

 

[wellsk]

I'm the same in the idea that I wish I didn't want children, that I didn't have that yearning feeling. But I can't escape it, and you just have to live with the desperation
Don't worry, I'm always here if you need me! You can always PM me if you want to talk
I obsess over charting, I admit! But it's helped so much in understand my cycle!
There are loads of things you can do to help TTC. But I understand your frustration! You would think that because we're young. It would be so easy to fall pregnant. Unfortunately it's not the case for most!