Fighting back the tears

[glbell920]

I haven't been around lately because so much has been going on. It's been 7 wks 2 days since I lost my baby boy Gavin. I've been trying to keep it together and at times other things have kept me distracted but feels like everything is trying to surface again.

I had my first cycle last week. I never get cramps with AF but this time I was in so much pain it just reminded me of how I felt when I lost Gavin. I hate reliving it because I start to wonder what if all over again. Then I had my 6 week check up Monday and they found that I have a bacteria that lives in my reproductive tract and attacks the uterine lining during pregnancy which caused me to lose my baby. It is the culprit of multiple miscarriages and can be treated with antibiotics. I wished I had known what I know now then I would have my baby. The thing that hurts most is that the signs were there and everything seems so obvious after the fact.

I can't look at pregnant bellies. I keep getting these coupons for diapers and chord blood information. Today I got an email from Enfamil reminding me that I would be 6 months by now. Then I start to think about the holidays and they look so much different then they did 6 months ago. I was so excited about the holidays because I imagined me wobbling around my family with everyone rubbing my belly. Then once the holiday season passed and the new year came in I would be at the end of my pregnancy and anxiously awaiting my baby. Now I have none of that to look forward to.

I just feel so sad right now. My husband wants to get a vasectomy and I refuse to agree to it so it's causing some tension between us. I don't even know how to process all this right now. I feel like I'm mourning Gavin, my two other angel babies, and even the potential to have my rainbow baby all at one time. I can't read the TTC after 2nd trimester loss thread because it hurts to know that I may not ever have the chance to TTC again. It's too much.

 

[amotherslove]

wow.. thats so much to take on.. why is your husband interested in having a vasectomy? do you guys already have children? perhaps he is just scared to go through and put you through more loss. tbh though, if my oh did that i would simply find a donor and have my baby allll on my own. i think that a vasectomy is a decision that BOTH parties need to agree on.

i'm so sorry youre dealing with this on top of all the painful memories.. and i too still receive baby emails.. babys r us and toys r us will not stop their emails.. i just take it in stride.. today i went for bloodwork and there were preggo ladies everywhere.. heartbreaking.. but also amazing. just thinkign that there were two people sitting next to me instead of just the one. and i can't help but be happy for them.. just praying that their baby is okay.. that this isn't the day they hear those awful words "i'm sorry but there is no heartbeat" i just worry about pregnant women all the time.. so not normal..

 

[Nikki_d72]

Aw hon I'm so sorry you are going through all this at once. I remember the hell of cramps with first AF reminding me of labour, it's so awful. I'm so sorry. It does get easier - my first one was so much worse than any since.

Your DH is more than likely scared to death of putting you both through this again, he may change his thinking in time, 7 weeks isn't long. I would agree that a vasectomy needs to be a joint decision though. I know it's his body but he would be affecting you by doing that. Maybe ask him to not make any rash decisions and tell him you can't handle thinking you may never have your rainbow just now, ask him to wait and talk again in a couple of months? You could use condoms till then to keep him feeling in control?

As for the bacterial infection, I know it's impossible not to dwell on the "if's but's and maybe's" but hindsight is wonderful - you are not a medic and couldn't possibly have known what was going on in there - by the time there are any symptoms it is usually too late, I didn't show any evidence of infection even in hospital with daily blood analysis until after my body detected it and kicked my boys out - even then it was barely elevated levels. Now that you know though, you can be treated and checked constantly if you did have another pregnancy.

I finally got the emails to stop but it was gut-wrenching getting them the first few times and was horrible unsubscribing, I'm sorry you are still getting them.

Huge hugs hon, I hope you can get through this rough patch and fell a little better soon.

xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I cry for you, I know just what you are going through and just how you feel. I actually got a little can of Enfamil in the mail last week I cried my eyes out and put it in my cabinet, why did I save it? Your loss is so new it is going to take a lot of time. It has been 8 months for me and I was doing so good last week and now for the last 2 days I am a mess . This is the process of grief it it terrible, but things will get better you have to believe that, please.
You are going through so much have you thought of counseling at all? It helps to be able to talk to people who understand you . We are all here for you anytime. Be easy on yourself

 

[Hellylou]

I sent you a PM, but I can relate to this only too well. Thinking of you xxx

 

[KamIAm]

Hi Honey... It completely breaks my heart to hear you hurt.... Just know I am always here for you, Always ...

Loves and cuddles to you and Gavin