N
nolansmom
Guest
Hello everyone,
I could have already been a member of this forum as I am a 31 yr old single mother of a 5 year old. His father and I were married and split shortly after he was born - live in different countries.
Fast forward to a new relationship (4 months) and being 11 weeks pregnant. I have gone back and forth for the last 2 months trying to decide if I will have this child or not.
After having my son I have spent the last 4 years in school and am still a full time student with just over a year left before graduating with degree. So in terms of struggle I have lived it and have managed quite well I would say. I don't necessarily feel like having a man in the the picture or a father figure around is the ideal scenario unless of course that man is ideal and many aren't. I am well aware of the difficulties that my coupled friends go through and decided long ago that I would be single with child in a heartbeat before ever being miserable with a partner.
At some points I have had an abortion scheduled and just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. In part because I love this child's father as much as anyone can after 4 months. I don't imagine I would have anymore children after this one. I would be DONE. I would like to give my son a sibling and I'm not sure that there will be another time in the next 5 years where the situation would be any more or less perfect.
I have become resentful of FOB as he is 34 and lives with his parents, seems to be in significant cash debt ($20.000) along with his new vehicle that he clearly couldn't afford when he purchased ($50.000) and while he has been supportive in the verbal sense most of the time I feel highly unsupported otherwise. I can't imagine how a 34 yr old man with no dependents, who pays no rent can be in such significant debt. He was told by his bank to wait to apply for a mortgage until he pays it down significantly. We could simply move in together however I don't feel the need to drastically change my 5 yr olds life by moving, moving in with a man who I am neither married or engaged to, changing his school most likely etc.. It doesn't make logistical sense to me. So I explained to FOB that if he purchased an inexpensive home outside of the city I would make concessions and move, but only in that scenario. I actually do not "believe" in moving in with men and would rather live alone and uncommitted than live with him playing house. This is a long term belief of mine and one I am not willing to change unless the scenario is more ideal than how I currently live. I offered my part of a down payment ($20.000) toward a home but would be of no help on the mortgage as I am a full time student.
Anyway, he came back from the bank (with his dad) to tell me the bank suggested paying down his debt first which could take years and that his father agreed. So essentially he will continue to live with his parents and I will continue to be single and we will text each other goodnight.. It seems idiotic to me.
I couldn't care less how he feels at this point. I have a 5 year old to think of and if my choices affect him negatively I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I told FOB to give me a call in April and I'll update him on his child. I am extremely angry with him but not the kind of hormonal anger that you would think. I feel disgusted with such an incompetent grown man and am beginning to wonder what I ever saw in him. He is stubborn and emotionally unavailable dare I say anything remotely honest. He is clearly a baby in his own right as he definitely doesn't make his own dinner (or go grocery shopping for that matter). Lord only know how often he does his own laundry and he has told me his mother opens his mail. **Sick face**
I am angry at him for acting like he is doing me a favour of some kind for being verbally supportive or sticking around. I am not the kind of woman who takes well to that sort of thing and it just makes me want to prove further how much I will and can do it on my own. If he can't manage to get a small mortgage to keep a roof over his child's head then what is he good for? Arguing and stress and acting dumb about the slightest thing having to do with pregnancy or children? No thanks, I'll pass.
I just don't have the patience or inclination to baby a grown man. Needless to say I have come to the point of not talking to him at all (a couple of days) and have no intention of telling him if i have an abortion or keep this child. If I keep the child the next time he will hear from me is when I serve him with child support and custody papers and if I don't keep this child I simply won't let him know one way or another.
It seems like he wants to be involved with this pregnancy but on his terms. He has made clear that marriage would be "crazy" - and now buying anything has become impossible. So again, it's the facade of involved but really I'm expected to simply accept whatever he throws in my direction because I'm a mere woman who is pregnant.. Hell NO!!
Thanks for listening..
I could have already been a member of this forum as I am a 31 yr old single mother of a 5 year old. His father and I were married and split shortly after he was born - live in different countries.
Fast forward to a new relationship (4 months) and being 11 weeks pregnant. I have gone back and forth for the last 2 months trying to decide if I will have this child or not.
After having my son I have spent the last 4 years in school and am still a full time student with just over a year left before graduating with degree. So in terms of struggle I have lived it and have managed quite well I would say. I don't necessarily feel like having a man in the the picture or a father figure around is the ideal scenario unless of course that man is ideal and many aren't. I am well aware of the difficulties that my coupled friends go through and decided long ago that I would be single with child in a heartbeat before ever being miserable with a partner.
At some points I have had an abortion scheduled and just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. In part because I love this child's father as much as anyone can after 4 months. I don't imagine I would have anymore children after this one. I would be DONE. I would like to give my son a sibling and I'm not sure that there will be another time in the next 5 years where the situation would be any more or less perfect.
I have become resentful of FOB as he is 34 and lives with his parents, seems to be in significant cash debt ($20.000) along with his new vehicle that he clearly couldn't afford when he purchased ($50.000) and while he has been supportive in the verbal sense most of the time I feel highly unsupported otherwise. I can't imagine how a 34 yr old man with no dependents, who pays no rent can be in such significant debt. He was told by his bank to wait to apply for a mortgage until he pays it down significantly. We could simply move in together however I don't feel the need to drastically change my 5 yr olds life by moving, moving in with a man who I am neither married or engaged to, changing his school most likely etc.. It doesn't make logistical sense to me. So I explained to FOB that if he purchased an inexpensive home outside of the city I would make concessions and move, but only in that scenario. I actually do not "believe" in moving in with men and would rather live alone and uncommitted than live with him playing house. This is a long term belief of mine and one I am not willing to change unless the scenario is more ideal than how I currently live. I offered my part of a down payment ($20.000) toward a home but would be of no help on the mortgage as I am a full time student.
Anyway, he came back from the bank (with his dad) to tell me the bank suggested paying down his debt first which could take years and that his father agreed. So essentially he will continue to live with his parents and I will continue to be single and we will text each other goodnight.. It seems idiotic to me.
I couldn't care less how he feels at this point. I have a 5 year old to think of and if my choices affect him negatively I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I told FOB to give me a call in April and I'll update him on his child. I am extremely angry with him but not the kind of hormonal anger that you would think. I feel disgusted with such an incompetent grown man and am beginning to wonder what I ever saw in him. He is stubborn and emotionally unavailable dare I say anything remotely honest. He is clearly a baby in his own right as he definitely doesn't make his own dinner (or go grocery shopping for that matter). Lord only know how often he does his own laundry and he has told me his mother opens his mail. **Sick face**
I am angry at him for acting like he is doing me a favour of some kind for being verbally supportive or sticking around. I am not the kind of woman who takes well to that sort of thing and it just makes me want to prove further how much I will and can do it on my own. If he can't manage to get a small mortgage to keep a roof over his child's head then what is he good for? Arguing and stress and acting dumb about the slightest thing having to do with pregnancy or children? No thanks, I'll pass.
I just don't have the patience or inclination to baby a grown man. Needless to say I have come to the point of not talking to him at all (a couple of days) and have no intention of telling him if i have an abortion or keep this child. If I keep the child the next time he will hear from me is when I serve him with child support and custody papers and if I don't keep this child I simply won't let him know one way or another.
It seems like he wants to be involved with this pregnancy but on his terms. He has made clear that marriage would be "crazy" - and now buying anything has become impossible. So again, it's the facade of involved but really I'm expected to simply accept whatever he throws in my direction because I'm a mere woman who is pregnant.. Hell NO!!
Thanks for listening..
