First pregnancy, first loss

[lesondemavie]

I just found out at my 8 week scan that my very first pregnancy ended in a loss. Our baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks, but my body hung onto the little love. I'm still grieving the loss, but looking ahead I'm sad that so many firsts are now gone. I feel like if/when it happens for us, it won't be as special anymore. DH hugged me and said every time will be special (and then jokingly said "all 6" to make me laugh...we only want 2). I know he's right, but it's hard to shake the feeling right now. So does this change everything? Will I still have that special feeling the next time?

 

[Amygdala]

I won't lie to you, a loss does take the excitement out of future bfps a little. For me at least. I had a mmc with my first pregnancy and it did rob me of that naive joy. I knew of course tat it was very common but you never think it'll be you. Now I know it can be me and it happened a second time since then. BUT after our first loss, we went on to have to perfect, healthy children and it was special, both times. No, the positive tests didn't mean as much and no, I didn't get as carried away in the early days as the first time. But there are still so many exciting firsts left! You won't believe the feeling of joy and love at your first healthy twelve week scan. When you see that tiny little baby move and you're told they're healthy! Or your first gender scan, if you get one, where you suddenly get a much better idea of who your baby will be. The first time you feel baby kick and the first time daddy feels it, too. And the birth of course! Not that it's a walk in the park but oh my goodness, when it's over and you hold that tiny little shrivelled up bundle in your arms! The first time they look at you and the first time you manage to nurse them (if you decide to)!
I know it's all dark clouds just now and yes, ttc will probably be a little different from now on, but you have so, so much joy to look forward to still. Your babies will find their way to you eventually and once you've met them, all the pain of getting them here will be forgotten.

 

[lesondemavie]

Thank you so much Amy. You are so right. There are so many more firsts ahead (I hope). It's funny. I'm the worry wart. I always think it will be me, and plan for the worst. It almost never is, but I'd still rather be happily surprised rather than sorely and unexpectedly devastated. This time it was me. Just like I imagined it in my head. I couldn't possibly imagine the emotion that has followed though. Thank you so much for your inspiring words. It brought me to happy tears which are very welcome right now. All the best to you and your family

 

[Ltweety]

lesondemavie
Sorry for you loss It's very sad, but it does get a little easier...Amygdala thank you for your inspiring words. I read this initially to cheer her up but I think i got cheered up instead

 

[kdmalk]

we got pregnant the first month trying. I was thrilled! Hubs was terrified, I think. I knew when I ovulated and we went for our first scan at 8.5 weeks. And there was a little bub with a heartbeat measuring 6 weeks and 1 day. I knew it wasn't right. I just knew. And I demanded to be seen again for another ultrasound the next week even though the doctor told me that I probably just ovulated later. I knew I didn't, but she wouldn't take that for an answer. At that appointment the baby was the same size and had no heartbeat. It was another week before I got my d&c. It took me a while to process. I mean, I was sad, but it wasn't until about 3 weeks later when I actually cried because I wanted to still be pregnant and I wanted my baby! I had never heard of a missed miscarriage until then and I didn't know why it would happen to me. And then we had another loss the first month we started trying again. I was terrified but also obsessive about getting pregnant again. and to top it off, three close friends became pregnant while we were going through this. It was truly awful.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel... even if you don't see it now. Or even if you don't see it soon.

I'm feeding my rainbow as I type this. I had no idea I could be so in love with a little being, and I know I wouldn't have him if my other pregnancies had been successful. So while I'm not a "things happen for a reason" person with miscarriages (because I wanted to punch everyone who said that to me right in the face while I was going through it), one day you will be looking down at your sweet child knowing that he or she is exactly the baby for you. I will always wonder about my two angel babies, but I can't imagine myself with anyone other than the exact little guy I got!

Big hugs and good luck! And as for the "feeling" next time... the special wore off for me after two losses. I was excited and terrified the entire time I was pregnant with DS. But I just took each day in stride with the PAL mantra of "I am pregnant today and I am grateful for that." I hope you are able to do the same.

 

[kdmalk]

I won't lie to you, a loss does take the excitement out of future bfps a little. For me at least. I had a mmc with my first pregnancy and it did rob me of that naive joy. I knew of course tat it was very common but you never think it'll be you. Now I know it can be me and it happened a second time since then. BUT after our first loss, we went on to have to perfect, healthy children and it was special, both times. No, the positive tests didn't mean as much and no, I didn't get as carried away in the early days as the first time. But there are still so many exciting firsts left! You won't believe the feeling of joy and love at your first healthy twelve week scan. When you see that tiny little baby move and you're told they're healthy! Or your first gender scan, if you get one, where you suddenly get a much better idea of who your baby will be. The first time you feel baby kick and the first time daddy feels it, too. And the birth of course! Not that it's a walk in the park but oh my goodness, when it's over and you hold that tiny little shrivelled up bundle in your arms! The first time they look at you and the first time you manage to nurse them (if you decide to)!
I know it's all dark clouds just now and yes, ttc will probably be a little different from now on, but you have so, so much joy to look forward to still. Your babies will find their way to you eventually and once you've met them, all the pain of getting them here will be forgotten.

Beautifully said.

 

[lesondemavie]

I'm just leaving the mall now after a wonderful training that I led this morning and then a quiet lunch with DH after. There are sooo many kids! Everywhere! So many perfect little families, with these precious little curious beings. I'm now in my car just sobbing. I hope very much that one day I have what you have kd, and thank you so much for dropping by and letting me know that it is all worth it. I've gone over so many different scenarios in my head: falling pg again right away, it taking as long as or longer than before, passing 35 while still trying, watching DH's sister and maybe even my brother welcome their own little bundles of joy (DH's sister is in second tri and my brother is ttc with his wife) while being sad for myself, passing my edd while still trying, going through this loss and pain over and over,, adopting while we still ntnp...in all those scenarios though I am mama one way or another at some point. I've seen so many different stories and I know all of us are own paths, but is so inspirational to see stories like yours and amyg's. Thank you so much for sharing and giving me hope in such a dark time. My husband and I are still grieving, but we know that this isn't where our story ends. I just hope to find ways to make the next time special, or even the time after that or after that, in some way, despite the fear, until I have that baby in my arms.

 

[MissGossip]

Thank you all for this lovely thread, I think anyone who goes through a MC feels the same way, we ere struggling to conceive so when we finally got a bfp were over the moon. To go on and have a loss is gut wrenching, I want to be pregnant again so bad but I cant shake the feeling of worry that it will happen all over again. Its really cheered me up reading these posts. xx

 

[Trying4first1]

I agree with missGossip. Lovely words said and it gives us all so much hope.
i suffer from Recurrent miscarriage so I love to hear of success stories. I am so happy for those who get their rainbows and I have so much hope for all of us still on this terrible journey.
Wishing for rainbows for us all xx

 

[jessesgirl13]

Your first loss is hard. When we found out we were first expecting, it was a surprise but such a welcome surprise. I went out and bought bibs...a "daddy loves me" one for my husband, and "Grandma" ones for my mom and his mom. I wrapped them up all pretty. I surprised my husband with his. And we celebrated and daydreamed about what it would be like when the baby came. He cried, he was so happy. We then took the gifts to our mothers and surprised them, it was such a happy time. Just a few short weeks later, we miscarried. It ruined us, as you know the feeling. When we became pregnant again it was such a strange feeling. We were so happy, yet completely terrified at the same time. The celebration didn't go into it like the first time. After waiting a couple weeks, we told close friends and family. We weren't quite sure if we would tell anyone at all until we were farther along because of the heartbreak we experienced last time. My mother-in-law bought us small gifts for the baby as a way to keep our hopes up and keep us positive. Once we started having complications and had to be monitored at almost daily appointments, we were so thankful that we had the support of our close family and friends. And we decided from that point on, they will know about every pregnancy because we need their love and support. And each life is worth being celebrated, no matter how long that little life lasts.

 

[lesondemavie]

I agree Jesse. This first time I told my best friend and sister right away. They are there for me now and I don't regret it one bit. I decided to wait until after the 8 week scan to tell my brother and parents. When it didn't go so well, I realized that I wanted my brother to know, and I felt awful that I didn't share the 5 weeks of happiness that we had too. I told him that next time I'm just going to share the news right away. He and his wife are also ttc, so it's kinda like we're on this journey together. Sadly I don't feel comfortable telling my parents for various reasons. I have plenty of support, and maybe it's good that they'll only know happiness when we have a healthy baby thriving in there.

 

[greekgirl]

I have known plenty of girls to have losses and then carrying to term beautiful healthy babies.
One, and two and three losses.
Two of which had blood clotting issues and once they found out and got in the mind frame of being ready to do their shots as soon as the baby came they got to finally carry to term.

True, the next BFP probably won't be as thrilling, it might even make you nervous but as soon as that baby sticks and stays growing, it will all start to fade... And once you hold your baby in your arms, even the pain from giving birth goes away. You're just floating on air...
Stay positive.