FOB access to newborn ? Advice please

[Linzi765]

Hi!

I split with my ex a couple of months ago, 33 weeks pregnant tomorrow , so 7 weeks till baby due.

I have a pretty much zero communication with the ex due to us arguing loads and we never get anywhere with regards to access when we've tried to talk previously .

I have a meeting on Tuesday for mediation. I have the meeting on my own , then my ex will have a separate meeting . Then we will meet together 6 weeks after the baby is born (suggested length of time by the mediators)
I have to think about what I want access wise by Tuesday so I can put this forward for the ex to discuss when he attends. I literally have no idea on what's normal/ a decent amount for the ex. The ex said a few weeks back that he would like to call in mine each evening after work, I am not willing for this to happen at all. He has been awful to me the past 2 months, drinking a lot, telling me he loved me and to come over but not to come home that night and not telling me either so io was left outside his flat crying. He made out that I'm crazy to his friends and family when I was emotional, down, angry upset with hormones etc.

Now back to my point , because he has been this way to me I know I can't push him out the baby's life and that's not what I want to do. I just find it hard to be with someone who proposed , planned our baby then got cold feet and wanted out! I know it's upto the two parents involved to arrange access that works.... But I don't know what's fair with a newborn. Planning to breast fees and don't want him around for that, don't particularly want him into home either after causing me so much stress during my pregnancy . I was thinking maybe couple of hours on a Saturday when my mam or dad could be with us too, and maybe one evening during the week.? Is that fair?

Eventually , when my child isn't BF I will suggest him taking her unsupervised and eventually for overnights (although I don't really want this until she could tell me of she didn't like staying at dads!) willing to work on having some form of relationship with h for the sake of our baby. But it's still so raw and I'm still pissd!

I want to seem reasonable , I contacted mediation first, just if this ever goes to court I want to look like I've been fair.
Any advice anyone ?
Thanks

Lynsey x

 

[Mummy1995]

Sounds fair to me hun I was gonna suggest 2 hours twice a week and then build it up from there as baby gets older and a little less dependent on you how far away do you live? If its close then I'm pretty sure by (uk) law they don't have to have any overnight access as they believe its best for child to be able to continue bedtime etc routine wherever possible

If you can compromise both sides then I think you'll be able to stay away from court hope it goes well x

 

[Linzi765]

We live about 30 mins away from each other . I'm hoping to not have to go to court, just incase they give him more than I want. I think he just needs some advice on what he should be expecting .

I'm just dreading seeing him, I'm hoping when LO arrives I'll feel less bothered about him and his leaving artying as at the minute he acts like me being pregnant and giving birth is nothing and is rally upsetting xx

 

[Mummy1995]

Hopefully once baby is here something in his brain will click and hell grow up! Honestly court won't give them much access. And it'll be supervised. It's normally every other weekend and one day during the week of the other one. But while a baby is being breastfed all access will be with you present (if you wish) or at a contact centre where you could be in another room it baby needs fed (as far as I'm aware anyway). Access was one of my biggest worries, my fob said he'd take me to court, when Isabella was 3 weeks he was demanding to have her alone. I said absolutely not and didn't hear from him for months! He now isn't involved. Not ideal but what I mean is they're often all mouth and no action! X

 

[Ceejay123]

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[Mummy1995]

Ooh really?! That's so wrong!! How is that in the child's best interests?! Family court is such a complex system. Or at least it seems that way x

 

[Linzi765]

Are you uk ceejay? I think that's terribly shocking being made to express !

I doubt he will protest too much on the 2x2 hours as he works full time from 7.30-5.30 mon to fri and plays rugby on sat afternoon (which I doubt he will want to stop) . I think he just needs some advice on what's normal.

I need to take it one step at a time and try not to worry too much about her being away from me. I don't think he will push too hard to have her alone soon either, well except to be around his family which is somthin i am not willing to do at all. His mom caused I lot of problems between us and I refuse to see her again. He can take baby to her when he has unsupervised access( I'm hoping when she's not BF).
As I said this may make him try for sooner unsupervised as I defo won't budge on that. Luckily his mother live in Ireland so she will only be over a couple of times a year.

Although I'm sure I'll eventually start getting requests for him to take her over to Dublin every so often . Which I have no idea what they will grant for that. That may be a court issue ... As I don't see me being happy with that until she's maybe 4/5.... Dunno if he will get that before ?


Xx

 

[Ceejay123]

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[wishuwerehere]

When dd was newborn ex came over for one afternoon a week. Honestly was pointless and crap, he obviously had no idea what to do with a newborn and used to bring his laptop with him and go on it. Newborns don't do very much and in my experience a lot of dads push to see baby loads then get bored very quickly...

 

[Linzi765]

I had my first mediation meeting yesterday. Just on my own, he has a meeting next week. The lady suggested we have a meeting together before the baby is due to put something in place .
I don't really feel that's going to work as I don't know what I'm gunna feel like immediately after she's born as my friend said the few weeks after her baby she felt terrible !

When I first spoke to them a few weeks back they suggested meeting 6 weeks after the birth , so I called today and said I would rather do that. Thy said that was fine .

I mean, I'll probably email him sooner than 6 weeks for him to come and see her. I'm not willing to plan in how many times he sees her and when before she is here tho!

I didn't really like mediation , somthin about not sorting things out ourselves about our own baby just feels wrong ! The lady had suggested 3 times a week (apparently what a court would order) so maybe I will say 2/3 times a week for an hour. Havnt really decided yet.

Oh and exactly , the baby isn't going to be doing much I can't imagine him to be pushing for anymore when he's just going to be sitting watching her sleep most of te time ... And I plan to breast feed so i would rather he leave at that point.

I want to sort this situation out myself. I'm not going to say I'm not continuing with mediation until after he has had his appoinwnt and until she is born as I don't want to seem like I am being unreasonable or trying to keep him away from her when that's not the case. I just don't feel like I need some lady to go between us.

I don't think he wants to communicate direct with me without any help but he needs to grow up! I mean , it's our child we need to decide. I'm not being unfair , and if he turns down my 2/3 times a week then he can go to a solicitor . But I think that is fair enough. When I am ready to commit to that I will email him so the proof is there is the dated email. I will also keep the emails of any invites to see her incase it goes to court.

He went to see his solicitor today. He mentioned it. It felt awful, wondering what was being said . Or what advice was given ! Ahh it's scary.

Xx

 

[Ceejay123]

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[Dream.dream]

Hen my oldest was a newborn his dad got 5 hours on saturday as and 2 hours on Wednesdays nights .

I breastfed and he'd bring baby to me when he ended to be fed . It's hard