This is quite a long story but I will try summarise as I really need advice etc.
I have a DD who is 5 years old, I met her father one drunken night when I was devastated after breaking up with an ex girlfriend and struggling with sexuality and the likes. He was friend of a friend we were at a party he knew I was a lesbian I had too much to drink the rest was history.
He wasn't all thrilled when I got pregnant, demanded I have an abortion and it was a very messy couple of months with lots of bad words exchanges etc. I initially wanted the child to have him in her life but when I realized how toxic and manipulative he was I stopped trying. When baby was born I informed him but he didn't respond, he resurfaced when she was 2 months except he was trying to have a relationship with me aswell...things became even more messy including sexual assault. When she was 4 months I told him to stop trying to be with me. He told me he doesn't want anything to do with me or baby and we messing his life. We never lived in same state but were 3hour drive apart...after that encounter I moved even further away.
When DD was a year I wanted to visit family overseas and of course I needed his signature for passport. Another messy encounter that ended with him trying to rape me, I was stronger this time I managed to fight him off. He apologized claiming 'he thought I liked it rough'. We went overseas for 3 months and when I came back I told him, we still lived in a state further away. He made no contact whatsoever, 6 months later we went back overseas, this time for 5 months. We came back and informed him again. This time we moved to home 3hrs from him, he made contact, from my understanding current gf found out and wanted him to, keeping in mind the gf lived in same state as us so he would pop in to see DD when he came to see her.
After DD 3rd bday, he broke up with gf and therefore stopped coming to see her, he would however call. He demanded to take DD for weekends interstate, I told him that she doesn't yet have a good relationship with him for her to be far from me for overnight visit, he took that as me coming between her and him, insulted me. He never came to see her except 3 times we ran into him at occasions (we kinda run in aame circle)
Come 2015, I went overseas again, I was pregnant with number 2 (sperm donor) had a horrible pregnancy that resulted me being on bed rest. Before I left his sister had a baby and all of a sudden his family started demanding to see my daughter, I would take her to them when they were in town (sister partners family was here). When we were gone he demanded to see DD because his grandmother was visiting, despite my condition and all evidence I presented to him he dished more insults and basically stressed me out.
We came back after I gave birth, told him we back and he never responded.
Now I have always been of the opinion its his job to work for his relationship with DD. But I take responsibility that I may have made it hard with times I moved, I'm also aware that while he has interest it's little. I want to attempt to play an active role in fostering their relationship and I need help.
Where do I start? How do I start the conversation with him? We both have very ill feelings towards each other but this is about DD not us. I know he doesn't trust me but I want to try.
I asked DD to call him today, they spoke for about 2 minutes before he hung up and he never said anything to me?
What kind of contact would you start with?
What kind of communication plan would you implement that avoid less conflict?
I already tried to limit communication, I stopped engaging him when he attacks me and insults me, what else can I do?
I have a DD who is 5 years old, I met her father one drunken night when I was devastated after breaking up with an ex girlfriend and struggling with sexuality and the likes. He was friend of a friend we were at a party he knew I was a lesbian I had too much to drink the rest was history.
He wasn't all thrilled when I got pregnant, demanded I have an abortion and it was a very messy couple of months with lots of bad words exchanges etc. I initially wanted the child to have him in her life but when I realized how toxic and manipulative he was I stopped trying. When baby was born I informed him but he didn't respond, he resurfaced when she was 2 months except he was trying to have a relationship with me aswell...things became even more messy including sexual assault. When she was 4 months I told him to stop trying to be with me. He told me he doesn't want anything to do with me or baby and we messing his life. We never lived in same state but were 3hour drive apart...after that encounter I moved even further away.
When DD was a year I wanted to visit family overseas and of course I needed his signature for passport. Another messy encounter that ended with him trying to rape me, I was stronger this time I managed to fight him off. He apologized claiming 'he thought I liked it rough'. We went overseas for 3 months and when I came back I told him, we still lived in a state further away. He made no contact whatsoever, 6 months later we went back overseas, this time for 5 months. We came back and informed him again. This time we moved to home 3hrs from him, he made contact, from my understanding current gf found out and wanted him to, keeping in mind the gf lived in same state as us so he would pop in to see DD when he came to see her.
After DD 3rd bday, he broke up with gf and therefore stopped coming to see her, he would however call. He demanded to take DD for weekends interstate, I told him that she doesn't yet have a good relationship with him for her to be far from me for overnight visit, he took that as me coming between her and him, insulted me. He never came to see her except 3 times we ran into him at occasions (we kinda run in aame circle)
Come 2015, I went overseas again, I was pregnant with number 2 (sperm donor) had a horrible pregnancy that resulted me being on bed rest. Before I left his sister had a baby and all of a sudden his family started demanding to see my daughter, I would take her to them when they were in town (sister partners family was here). When we were gone he demanded to see DD because his grandmother was visiting, despite my condition and all evidence I presented to him he dished more insults and basically stressed me out.
We came back after I gave birth, told him we back and he never responded.
Now I have always been of the opinion its his job to work for his relationship with DD. But I take responsibility that I may have made it hard with times I moved, I'm also aware that while he has interest it's little. I want to attempt to play an active role in fostering their relationship and I need help.
Where do I start? How do I start the conversation with him? We both have very ill feelings towards each other but this is about DD not us. I know he doesn't trust me but I want to try.
I asked DD to call him today, they spoke for about 2 minutes before he hung up and he never said anything to me?
What kind of contact would you start with?
What kind of communication plan would you implement that avoid less conflict?
I already tried to limit communication, I stopped engaging him when he attacks me and insults me, what else can I do?
) 5 years is a long time and not have a relationship by now, he doesn't want it to work otherwise he would of made more effort by now, he is probably being pressured by people who know he has a daughter and doesn't want to admit what a lazy dad he has been so pretends to be a dad again(like with his girlfriend and family)m Hope you get it sorted and he doesnt cause you any more problems!
