FOB causing problems - help - long story alert

[Ktothema]

Hi,

I'm actually writing on behalf of a friend. She was with FOB for a few years on and off, during which time he was very emotionally and financially abusive. I could see him getting angrier and angrier as her pregnancy progressed and I made her promise me that if he ever got physical she'd leave. It didn't take long, there was soon an incident where he hit her and tore her clothes as she tried to leave. She was devastated but left for the babies sake.

When lo was born she decided that as FOB was FOB so he wanted contact she'd allow it, but only supervised. He refused for quite some time, denied he was the father through the csa but started seeing lo after the positive dna test. He managed to bully my friend down from some small visitation to seeing lo when it suited him for as long as he liked. And then it all went bad again with the controlling. Whenever my friend had plans he'd show up and scream at her so she'd cancel them, or he'd let himself into her house (which was quite a shock - he'd helped himself to a copy of the keys). He slagged her off constantly in front of lo. He constantly threatened her with court to get PR and overnight unsupervised access amongst some other things (e.g. to force her to early wean lo), and she became a nervous wreck again.

Eventually, through the help of a few friends' and some solicitors' advice she realised he couldn't do a lot of what he was threatening. She stood up to him and said she would let him continue to see lo, but he had to do set times and days - lo needed routine and so did both of them. He went nuts and refused to see lo for 2 weeks.

However he's now started bombarding my friend with abusive texts and emails again. She's holding strong in that if he wants to see lo he needs to have set days and times, lo has gotten into a decent routine without FOB around constantly waking him from naps or refusing to allow him to sleep, and lo is far more settled with a happier mummy. She's no longer scared of being taken to court because she's realised his threats are empty and if it happens she knows they wont give him access to lo whenever he wants it.

Is there anything she can do to stop the abusive bombardment?

ETA: lo is 6 months old if that makes any difference

 

[lilyd]

Tell her to go to a solicitor and arrange for contact to take place in a contact centre. He can then decide of he can be bothered or not.

Report the abuse to the Police so it is on record.

Change phone number and block his email address. If possible, get a cheapy phone and SIM and let him have this number as a contact if he needs to text about his child. Let him think that this number belongs to a relative and that if he sends as much as one abusive text, he will have to make any enquiries about his child via the solicitor.

I take it she's changed her locks?

 

[Ktothema]

Thanks for that - that's fantastic advice.

I never even thought of the cheap phone idea. She was worried if she cut contact it would look bad on him, but that way she isn't.

Oh and yes, locks have been changed

 

[Ceejay123]

Report his behaviour to the police, and if I were her I'd force all contact to be through a family member until he realises he can't do this. I wouldn't be in the same room as him alone, so I'd plan for my mum to be there whenever he was. I'd also call the police every time he's threatening, because court won't use hearsay and will want police reports. X

 

[Dezireey]

To be perfectly honest with you, I really don't think this man should be in his child's life at all. I can only see heartache and pain in the future and constant disappointment for this child. I know it is a difficult thing to stop a father from seeing his child (courts, Mother's moral values, what is right for child etc etc) but this man is seriously going to mind fuck with this child's head and If I were in the same position as your friend, I would take steps to get him NO access at all. Especially with the violence and abuse. My FOB is mentally unstable and even though he doesn't want to know his son at all, if he suddenly did, I would not want him to have any access, as it would be an extremely negative experience for my son and affect his life in a negative way to have his father in it.

 

[Ktothema]

I totally agree Dezireey. However I find it hard to say to her as im not in her position.

I doubt he'll ever go go court about it. Hes more concerned with trying to control my friend. I beg her not to let him near as lo is either going to become afraid of him, disappointed by him or think yhat behaviour is fine. Poor lo doesnt deserve this at all.