FOB finally gets in touch

[Lemonflower]

So.... After 5 months of ignoring me, not paying a penny he texts me when LO is 5 days old.

FOB: "Can I see him?"
Me: "Wed 10.00 at mine with my mum. That okay?"
FOB: "Yes, thank you, do you still live at xxxxx?"
Me: "Yes, will you be contributing anything for LO?"
FOB: "What does he need?"
Me: "He needs money."
FOB: "I can set up a savings account or transfer you money each month"
Me: "Transfer would be better. When and how much?"
*** we discuss how much - I ask for payment lower than what the CSA would make him pay ***
Me: "You can bring the first payment on Wed"
FOB: "Ok"

I told my mum that I had a feeling he wouldn't prob bring the money and If that was the case to send him packing.
He turns up doesn't have the money - says he wants to do everything properly which is fine I understand he wants to transfer money via banks for a record and proof but for a payment for his son (not very much) when me and my family have bought everything and not asked him - it wouldn't have hurt to bring one by cash.
My mum lets him look at LO and take photos then tells him to leave. He gives her some attitude then leaves muttering that he will "Get LO anyway".

The best part... Forgetting the money... I'm not bothered by that, it was jut the principle, what I am bothered about is that he bought round for his first planned newborn son a bag of grubby (some unwashed) secondhand baby clothes. I'm no snob, I have be given secondhand items from friends for LO and been extremely grateful but I'm fuming that FOB couldn't even get him a little teddy or something from his "daddy".

I'm so furious that he can think that less of his son! Forgetting everything he's done to me I wanted to put it aside and for him to have access to LO. I saw red. I mean some of my friends who are on the breadline have got LO a little pressie why wouldn't his own father!
I dumped the clothes at his nannies (dont know where he lives now) saying I didn't want them, she started yelling at me when I asked her if she was proud of her grandson and for the first time in 6 months after keeping a dignified silence I blew up and had a go back saying what a horrible person her and LO are. (prob only did it because it was to do with LO)
LO's mother then came round my house screaming abuse - my mother was there and they were rowing on my doorstep.

Oh what a mess, this shouldn't be happening one week after I have had my LO.
Dunno what to do?
Do I wait for FOB to contact me again? I think that's what I will do.... Why should he see LO without paying for him though.....
What to do???
I've said in previous posts that him and his family had mentioned getting joint custody which is what I think they'll do now!
I did want to do this fairly and without the courts.

Bloomin nasty idiot!!!

xxxx

 

[lemontree12]

Wow I hope all goes well! Where u together before?
I doubt I will ever from fob he's a rather heartless man

 

[judge12]

Wow I think you are being harsh, telling him to get lost just because he did not bring cash in hand? I do not blame him for wanting to set up a bank account and doing it the right way, the csa is a bitch and he got every right wanting proof that he is providing.

Do I wait for FOB to contact me again? I think that's what I will do.... Why should he see LO without paying for him though.....

What would you rather have? money or your baby having a father? he didn't even say he wouldn't provide for your son but he wanted too have proof. He ignored you for 5 months, well he didn't want too be around you but now the baby here it sounds like he is willing to step up too be there for the baby. I also think it's poor to give all the clothes back to his nan, they are second hand but so what? people are offering me second hand clothes all the time and maybe he doesn't have a lot of money at the moment?

I feel sorry for the father in this situation, I bet you won't even let him see both your child again unless he pays you money first. What the hell...

 

[Lemonflower]

You feel sorry for this father in this situation??

If you read my previous posts you'll see that I want him to have access. My dad contacted him when LO was first born and he waited 5 days to contact me asking to see him. I replied straight away and arranged a visit between them within 2 days. Like I said if you had read my post properly, I don't mind secondhand clothes/items. I've been given stuff and been very grateful! But think about it, for your first baby? You'd be happy with your FOB doing that knowing they have plenty of funds. The money doesn't overly bother me, it's the principle i'm more angry by the fact he didn't even get LO anything from him - like a toy! You'd be okay with that would you - i doubt it!
Also one cash payment of £100 which is what I asked for, after all that me, my family and friends have spent is a drop in the ocean IMO. Like I said also, I understand he'd want to do it bank transfers and agreed to this with him.

You make me out to be a money grabber which I am not! I was with this man for 6 years and this baby was planned. He left me - I accept that and have always said he can have access even though him and his family have been vile and threatened to take LO away by false accussations!
In the 9 months I have not asked him for a penny though on the Monday I thought, "why should I be struggling to raise our LO and he still gets to see him".
He has a 21K a year job and spends his money on booze, weed and music equiptment.
His family are wealthy and in the 6 years I never took their money or help as I wanted us to be independent - it's why we enivatably broke up because they were meddling and I wanted us to be financially independent!

You feel sorry for him.... Give me a break!!! Yeah so it's fine for me to live and struggle on benefits for 9 months until I can return to work while he swans in and out visiting our son and not paying anything! He wanted this baby too! I'm so lucky I have had family and friends helping me - yes with secondhand stuff!!

Balls in his court. I will not chase him for maintenance however yes if he wants to see our son he will have to contribute.
He can take me to court and I will take him to CSA if he does that.
He will have to pay me a lot more than we initially agreed. I wanted to do this amicably without courts.

 

[dustbunny]

I'm sorry to sound harsh here but money does play a part in things and no matter how you word, phrase or whatever it is still a part of life. If it was related to other situations then the same principles would not apply and that is what really gets to me. Aside from the money angle it is the fact that FOB's feel they can walk in whenever they want, after the baby is born, leaving the mother for the entire 9 months of pregnancy simply because there isn't an actual baby present is stupid. Saying he didn't want to be with the OP but wants to be with the baby is void imo, surely if he was man enough to spunk then he is man enough to distinguish between being with someone and being there for someone. Saying a man doesn't become a father until the baby is born is like saying you can't be religious until whomever it is you choose to believe in comes walking up to your door.
In this case the father coming after being silent for months, with no money [albeit he says he wants to do it 'properly'] and with grubby stuff is pathetic. It would have been better [imo] to have turned up with nothing... it's like giving a homeless man 2p, it's an insult. As the OP said, it is not the fact they are second-hand but the fact he couldn't even be bothered to wash them!!! But then does he get the excuse because he is a man he probably can't work a washing machine?
Why do men... and I use the term loosely, get all these shitty excuses for their rubbish behaviour yet the minute the mother steps up and doesn't want it to continue then they are shot down. It is better to be alone than be messed about continuously and, from personal experience, it is better to have no dad around at all than someone who drops in and out when they feel like it.

 

[judge12]

You feel sorry for this father in this situation??

If you read my previous posts you'll see that I want him to have access. My dad contacted him when LO was first born and he waited 5 days to contact me asking to see him. I replied straight away and arranged a visit between them within 2 days. Like I said if you had read my post properly, I don't mind secondhand clothes/items. I've been given stuff and been very grateful! But think about it, for your first baby? You'd be happy with your FOB doing that knowing they have plenty of funds. The money doesn't overly bother me, it's the principle i'm more angry by the fact he didn't even get LO anything from him - like a toy! You'd be okay with that would you - i doubt it!
Also one cash payment of £100 which is what I asked for, after all that me, my family and friends have spent is a drop in the ocean IMO. Like I said also, I understand he'd want to do it bank transfers and agreed to this with him.

You make me out to be a money grabber which I am not! I was with this man for 6 years and this baby was planned. He left me - I accept that and have always said he can have access even though him and his family have been vile and threatened to take LO away by false accussations!
In the 9 months I have not asked him for a penny though on the Monday I thought, "why should I be struggling to raise our LO and he still gets to see him".
He has a 21K a year job and spends his money on booze, weed and music equiptment.
His family are wealthy and in the 6 years I never took their money or help as I wanted us to be independent - it's why we enivatably broke up because they were meddling and I wanted us to be financially independent!

You feel sorry for him.... Give me a break!!! Yeah so it's fine for me to live and struggle on benefits for 9 months until I can return to work while he swans in and out visiting our son and not paying anything! He wanted this baby too! I'm so lucky I have had family and friends helping me - yes with secondhand stuff!!

Balls in his court. I will not chase him for maintenance however yes if he wants to see our son he will have to contribute.
He can take me to court and I will take him to CSA if he does that.
He will have to pay me a lot more than we initially agreed. I wanted to do this amicably without courts.

What you said was that he was going to pay you money but only through the bank and just because he did not turn up with cash in hand, he wasn't allowed to spend time with his baby.

It is totally unfair that he hasn't paid a penny towards the baby things but maybe he would done so by the bank and you two could talked about that?

I did not know the entire situation when I posted the first message. It is terrible that this baby was planned but he left you and didn't bother to support you both or buy anything for the baby. He does sound horrible but if he is now willing to man up now the baby is here and care for the baby and pay for him then he deserves that chance and if he fails then least one day you can say to your child that you tried.

It sounds like a family feud is going on here and everyone needs to step back

 

[fuffyburra]

I agree, what an insult to show up with unwashed clothes. My baby pretty much only wears pre-loved clothes, so I'm no snob either, but dirty clothes? That's just awful. I would also expect something special, pre-loved or new. It's the sentiment!

Also I agree with you on the money thing. I'm not saying you should manipulate him with money, and by the sounds of it that's not what you're doing. He was still allowed to see his son, and you're going to continue letting him see LO, but he shouldn't be allowed to dip in and out of his life whenever he feels like it without contributing. I didn't realise how expensive babies were until I had one, and I wouldn't be able to pay for everything if I were alone! The "down payment" (for lack of a better term ) of a cot, car seat, pram, clothes, blankets, bath, etc., and then the things you need day-to-day like nappies, wipes, more clothes... it all adds up and you must be really struggling! Also, if he's paying for his son he might feel more concerned about seeing him if you see what I mean? Less likely to just take off whenever he feels like it.

Having said that, it does sound as if he wants to play a part in his life, so maybe before anything else happens you guys should set up the bank transfers, then talk more about visiting. His family really need to stay out of it too, it's not helping

Good luck, I really hope he pulls his socks up soon and you guys can come to some arrangement. It's really great that your son will still have two parents x x

 

[Lemonflower]

Even though I can't stand the man I have never said to him that he cannot be part of LOs life. When we first broke he said he wanted to be a dad and I said I wanted him to be too!

He has known me 13 years and we were together 6. When people have spoken to him about our situation apparently he has always says that I'm a fair decent person and will do the right thing - though he says he wants LO for 3 days a week.
I'm usually a walk over so me reacting in this way has prob surprised him and his family.
It's the first time money has ever been discussed - I live a stones throw from my bank why couldn't he have paid it in there for his records.

As for family - none of us get on but we'd ignored each other up until yesterday.
Told my side it's between me and FOB and even if they and continue this spat then just to ignore them as I want to get on with my life now.

What Dustbunny said - I said to my mum it would have been better if he had bought nothing at all. He's part stupid and part deliberately trying to wind me up I think.

Waiting for him to get in touch. He knows I'll respond when he does and let him see LO but only if he makes maternity payments via standing order each mong. I don't think that is un reasonable.

 

[teal]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with FOB a week after you've had your LO.

I agree with what dustbunny has said that while money isn't everything it does play a part. If he wants to be involved then it has to be all or nothing. Why should he get to see his son and carry none of the responsibility. There have been so many lovely ladies on here who's FOB have messed them about over maintenance. Lots of broken promises.

You were defintely being the good person when you agreed on a lower amount than you were entitled to. I definitely agree with your decision that if he takes you to court then you'll involve csa.

I don't have any contact with FOB and I don't claim maintenance but if he suddenly wanted to be a father (after taking me to court) then I'd definitely be taking what my son is entitled to from him.

Sending you lots of hugs xx

 

[Shezza84uk]

Stick to your guns he's got a cheek bringing dirty clothes for your baby! He got off lightly he didn't provide anything throughout your pregnancy which cost so much on its own the least he could do is get him a little gift he sounds like a moron don't back down! X

 

[MikaylasMummy]

I think you did the right thing by letting him see lo even though he showed up with that insulting "gift" and no money.the other posters are right he cannot expect rights to his child but not accept the RESPONSIBILITIES that come along with those rights.I too love second hand clothing but for the father of your newborn who has not contributed a darn thing to ONLY bring the clothes SOMEONE ELSE has given him and not something from himself is just rude and insulting and a total ignorance of his responsibilities.he wants to be a father,he pays to help raise the child.hopefully he makes good on his promise!

 

[BigZai]

Id say f*** off he cares now but he didnt care to ask you the gender or if the baby is developing properly. No support through pregnancy fine but didnt give a s*** if you had a carseat to bring your baby home from the hospital in or a crib to sleep in hes a dead beat and wont change and while people believe you should try to get him involved they dont know anything about having a father who is forced to see you and really doesnt care id rather have no father.
I would either take him to court to get his parental rights terminated (if he doesnt show he loses automatically which he sounds like a no show kind of guy)
or
Just leave it be and see if he texts you and go from there

Dont take him to court for money cuz he will get visitation which he probably wouldnt try to get unless you tried to get money
and just wait and let him see him every once in awhile if he asks and thats what you want.

 

[Laura2919]

Money plays a massive part. Children need things that cost money, food, clothing, a roof over their heads, they need baths and their clothes need washing and what about taking them out and doing things with them? That all costs money so while people say it doesn't it does! It's expensive raising children and it takes two to create a child so why shouldn't both support LO??

Honestly sometimes I wonder!

Lemon, if it were me he wouldn't have seen LO because what if he saw LO and then didn't give you any money via bank transfer and didn't contact you again for months? Is it better for your LO to have a rubbish dad or no dad??
I could answer that but I wont

 

[jemmie1994]

i agree think its an insult to turn up with dirty clothes, money doesnt bother me but lack of effort does and he's made no effort to get his child anything

 

[Lemonflower]

Laura - yeah he's a deadbeat, selfish man. I know he'd eventually drop out of LO's life as he never sticks to anything.
I wanna tell my son in years to come that I did offer access and he refused to help support LO and contact me.

He's the kind of guy who'd be due to have LO one weekend and the boys ring him up to do something and he then cancels LO.

I dunno what to do for the best. He has not been in contact (over a week now)
I'm gonna see if he contacts me. I'm not going to the CSA however like I said if I get a request for a DNA test (I think this is the first step to getting on the BC) I'll then go for child support.

Does anyone know:

If visitation is put in place and FOB does not show up or try to change dates more than once can the visitation be stopped.
If he started doing this I 'd rather him out of LO's life.

Xxxxx