FOB is a SOB

[Maybe1stBaby]

Am I heartless to think that yes, a man needs to grieve his daughter, but the dead are dead. He is missing out on me cooking his little son or daughter---he is missing out on life!

I'm unemployed, exhausted all day and queasy, and he is AWOL. Before his daughter was in the hospital and before I got my BFP, we had planned a romantic dinner on his birthday 3/10 where he was gonna ask me to marry him. How did things go so horribly wrong where I feel like I'm gonna be a single parent now?!

Yesterday I sent him a text, "I need you in my life right now. I feel exhausted all the time and when I'm not sleepy, I'm nauseous. I know you're grieving and you need to do that and that pain will probably last the rest of your life. But we need you to take care of us. And be there for us. (And love us.) I can't do this alone."

His response? Still waiting on that one...Totally ignoring me...I know he got the message, he's married to his Blackberry.

 

[laura1991]

It must be hard to lose a child, i lost a sibling from cancer and my parents never truly got over it, yes he has another child on the way but to loose a child is one of the most hardest experiences. He needs time to grieve and tbh he needs support and most likely at this moment in time it will be the last think he will want to here about, all he will want is a shoulder to cry on. Maybe just try be there for him, help him and give him time to adapt

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

I try, but he shuts me out and doesn't answer my calls or texts. And then I get resentful that he has chosen to grieve alone, and I'm in limbo because of his grief. I know that makes me seem cruel, but how can I support someone who doesn't want to let me in??????

 

[myasmumma]

sorry but you are such a selfish person..your pregnant yeh..but hes just lost a child!! let him grieve for god sake you go on about how alone you feel... you should be there for your partner and be a rock for him and too call him a SOB just because he wont answer you!..and to be honest if i was him i wouldnt answer you either in that text all you went on about is you and not any regard to his feelings or letting him know your there for him ...you say the dead are dead..how heartless are you..be it a month or 40 years the pain of losing a child is something i dont wish on my worst enemy

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

You're entitled to your opinion.

 

[kelzyboo]

I don't think your selfish at all, yes losing a child is the most painful thing anyone could go through and no he will never really get over it but that doesn't mean he should neglect the child inside you, that is as much his child as his daughter! He may need time to grieve alone but he should be honest with you and try to let you in a little before he misses out on his other child! x

 

[surprisebaby]

I don't think your selfish at all, yes losing a child is the most painful thing anyone could go through and no he will never really get over it but that doesn't mean he should neglect the child inside you, that is as much his child as his daughter! He may need time to grieve alone but he should be honest with you and try to let you in a little before he misses out on his other child! x

agree. thought the previous message was a bit harsh and i don't think OP needs that right now.

 

[sarahxx]

myasmumma, that's kind of harsh. and uncalled for. as the OP says you are entitled to your opinion but you don't have to be so rude about it.

OP, i feel for you so much it must be such a hard situation because you must be grieving too but also so excited for your baby. i think all you can do is try to let him know you are there for him and if he wants to talk you will listen, and try to include him in the excitement of your pregnancy. i'm sorry for you both, hope you find a way through this hard time
xxxx

 

[shiawase]

I think how you worded this makes you sound selfish, yes you are pregnant and thats important but right now it isnt all about you, the way you are acting could end up pushing him away, if he says he needs some space then give him space. How someone chooses to grieve is up to them, he will open up to you but you cant force him he will do it when he's ready. Right now he's most likely to be in shock that his daughter has died and doesnt feel up to talking about how he feels. Im sure its frustrating for you but if you care about this man then take some time to think how you would feel if you lost a child, sorry if this sounds rude or harsh but your comment the dead are dead pissed me off, that dead person you are refering to was once alive and was/is loved, the dead are not dead thats it goodbye, you never forget or stop missing that person its not a nice thing to say! but anyways you are just over 5 weeks pregnant hun, theres plenty of time for him to be with you and your bump and im sure he will be once things have settled.

 

[LoraLoo]

The dead are dead? Not to ANY parent that has lost a child. I hope to dear God that if you were to ever lose a child (God forbid) you would get more support than you are giving your OH.

When we lost Eve, I pushed my own children away. I needed space to grieve, there is no pain like losing your own child, you dont just lose your child, you lose your whole future.

I'm sure he does care about you and the baby, but even when your baby comes along, he will always have another child. You cannot replace one with another

 

[jocelynmarie]

I think for a parent losing a child is the hardest thing any of us could possibly face.

I can't pretend to know what either of you are going through as my situation is completely different, but I wanted to offer you

Going through this alone is hard, no matter why you're going through it alone! If you ever need a shoulder, feel free to PM me.

 

[jocelynmarie]

The dead are dead? Not to ANY parent that has lost a child. I hope to dear God that if you were to ever lose a child (God forbid) you would get more support than you are giving your OH.

When we lost Eve, I pushed my own children away. I needed space to grieve, there is no pain like losing your own child, you dont just lose your child, you lose your whole future.

I'm sure he does care about you and the baby, but even when your baby comes along, he will always have another child. You cannot replace one with another

Please, please don't be offended, but every time I see that picture of your gorgeous, gorgeous little girl... I well up and have tears in my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine your loss.

 

[LoraLoo]

The dead are dead? Not to ANY parent that has lost a child. I hope to dear God that if you were to ever lose a child (God forbid) you would get more support than you are giving your OH.

When we lost Eve, I pushed my own children away. I needed space to grieve, there is no pain like losing your own child, you dont just lose your child, you lose your whole future.

I'm sure he does care about you and the baby, but even when your baby comes along, he will always have another child. You cannot replace one with another

Please, please don't be offended, but every time I see that picture of your gorgeous, gorgeous little girl... I well up and have tears in my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine your loss.

Not offended at all hun Thank you, we think she is beautiful too! xxx

 

[kelzyboo]

I don't think OP meant to cause offence with her comment that the dead are dead although it could have been put better, i think she just meant that she wants to be there for him and help him to focus on the child that is growing thats all. It is very hard to understand the impact off losing a child even to those of us who have children, you can never actually imagine how you would cope so its obviously hard for her to relate.

I honestly assumed you would focus on your other children but i can understand now that it may not work like that, you can't replace a child with another and nor would you want to but there must come a point when you do focus on your living/growing children?

I think thats what she wants, not to deny him the greif he's feeling but to remind him that however unfair life does carry on, it would be a shame for him to miss out on his child but i think you must wait until he's ready and give him time, as you are only 5 weeks there is plenty of time for both of you to focus on the new baby.

I think you should let him know you are there for him but back off for a while and he will come to you when he's ready x

 

[bobblebot]

i agree unfortunately that you do sound unsupportive and selfish to the FOB. Can you put yourself in his position....he has lost his daughter...a child that he has watched grow up...a very 'real' person. Unfortunately men full stop find it hard experiening pregnancy and imagining the reality of an unborn baby until he/she is actually born, but you are even only 6 weeks pregnant, without thedeath of his daughter he probably still hadn't got his head around the baby.

As for the comment the dead is dead, well heartless...you are only 6 weeks pregnant, i losta baby at 12 weeks and i hope it doesn't happen to you as i'm sure you'll understand how death affects a person.

Imagine how your partner feels, lost a daughter and finds out he has another child on way, alongside upset, anger, grief he will feel guilty....at this point in time you need to support him and put your needs last for a while. If you can't do this you will push him away and you will be a single parent. If you can't put him first and change your attitude i.e dead is dead as not helpful....then give himspace and only text supportive texts that do not harp on about the pregnancy. That way he will have timeto heal and eventually come back to you and your child.

I feelso sorry for him, I have 5 children and can not even imagine losing one...I would be utterly devastated and probably not speak for months....