For single mothers to mixed race babies

[Croc-O-Dile]

My daughter is white, native american, and black. FOB has NO contact at all. My family is strictly white, except my dad's family who I rarely see. They're white and Cherokee.

This might sound really silly but I have this fear of Liv feeling different or singled out because she's the only one in our family that isn't strictly white or native.

Do/did any of you ever contemplate only dating black (or whatever race your FOB is) men so that your children all looked the same?

I know it sounds really daft, and I've got over it now and realized how silly I was being, but I remember when she was first born and when I was pregnant with her I had this idea that I would never date a white man again because if I married him and had children with him Olivia would feel different. I just wanted to insure she never felt bad about not looking the same as the rest of her family. I think I stressed over it so much because of how insecure I am with myself and how insecure I was growing up, I never want her to feel like that, especially over something like her skin colour.

Now, I don't want this to come off like I'm stressing over her skin colour, because obviously if it was an issue I wouldn't have slept with her father in the first place. I don't ever really think of her as being mixed race unless I'm thinking of things that have to do with it, like managing her hair or most recently moving. (Was going to move back to the town I grew up in, but racism runs high and heavy down there. It's not that whites and blacks don't like each other, they just have a mutual racist understanding. They don't mind having to work together or their children playing together at school, but you don't go to each others houses, you don't invite them to come hang out, and you certainly don't have babies with each other.)

Looking back on it, I see the flaw in my logic, but I was hormonal, so I'm chalking it up to that

Did any of you ever feel the same or worry about having other children because of singling out your mixed race baby? Or was it really just one of those irrational pregnancy/new baby hormone induced fears?

 

[TattiesMum]

Tattie jokingly threatened to use fake tan on Taylor when she was born, so that she looked like Kaylum

But no Hon ... Kaylum is Kaylum - he's gorgeous and beautiful and tanned and we all love and adore him for being him, just as we do his sister (who is white skinned and blonde) - no-one makes any distinctions at all

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

Thanks

Do you think it'll ever bother him though? I mean, I'm sure I wouldn't notice the difference unless I was really thinking about it, but I sometimes wonder if Liv would. Like even though we don't ever notice it (unless I'm thinking about it like I am now ) I wonder if she's still going to feel left out when she does eventually say "Hey, wait a minute, I'm a lot tanner than you all!" kwim?

 

[LegoHouse]

Then you just tell her the truth

I don't think she will be bothered if you don't make an issue out of it x

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

Oh no, no, no, I didn't mean that I'd lie to her. Olivia is...well...she's Pangaea. Let's put it this way, between her father and myself, it's easier to tell you what she isn't than to tell you what she is

Having her understand her heritage is very important to me. I wouldn't ever keep it from her or anything like that. I was more worrying about her feeling left out or different because she's the only one in the family that has such a diverse heritage.

I was the only one in my family who had a different biological father (my mom got remarried when I was 3 and my brothers are from her and my step-dad) Even though I refer to my step-dad as my dad and we've never made a big deal out of the fact that he's not biologically my father, I still went through a period of time where I felt like the outcast in my house, like I was just the spare part because I wasn't the same as my brothers. Mind you, my mom and my biological dad have a good relationship now, but they didn't always. So he wasn't a part of my life until I was 5. Even then, he's always been more of a favorite uncle. I think that's why I worry about her feeling left out. My mom was always very open with me about my biological dad, and when she got remarried she didn't ask me to call him dad or anything, I just started doing it because my step-brother is only a few months older than me so he'd come over to play and it was just easier. She pretty much did everything by the book as far as making sure I understood I was loved and blah blah blah, but I still felt very different and almost unwanted from my family.

You know, actually verbalizing that is making me wonder if I'm worried about the fact that she's going to feel like an outcast because of her heritage or because I'm drawing similarities between my own bad experience with not having my biological dad and Liv not having her's, but trying to mask it so it's something I can help her feel better about.

There's not a change in hell FOB could ever be part of her life. He's been arrested a few times now on domestic violence and endangering the welfare of a child (locking his pregnant girlfriend in a bathroom after pushing her down steps. And she was a minor.) But of course he got off on all charges. He tried to kill while I was pregnant, then threatened to kidnap my daughter after she was born. I haven't heard from him since I was 38 weeks pregnant and had him arrested. I tried reaching out to him a few months ago off a fake account with a proxy server and different IP just to see what he had to say for himself and he didn't even respond. In fact, he made it painfully obvious he was ignoring me.

So, if it turns out I'm really actually worried about her feeling like an outcast because she doesn't have her dad then that's something I can't make her feel better about. I mean, I could sit there and say "It's his loss! You're a great girl, etc. etc." but it's not going to really change the hurt, you know? At least if it's a race thing I can show her all the great things about her heritage. I can make her proud of who she is. Maybe I'm just really wanting it to be a race thing because that would be easier to make a positive outcome with. You can't really make a positive feeling off of "Well he's not around for your safety. Plus he really didn't want to be a dad."

 

[whoknowsx]

You are a good mother.

I think you are worried because you want your daughter to have a better life than you... I think if she feels different you will have to cross that road when you get there. If anything just reassure her that she is loved and special.

Blended family are a big thing nowadays so to be honest, most children end up feeling different or left out at one point or another. All you can do is love them.

 

[sannod]

My children are also caucasian African mixed and I have the same issues. I feel like I can't be with anyone because it full on advertises that they come from a broken home. I also feel I would never want anymore children because I don't want them to feel left out. People often think my children are adopted as it is, they are never fully accepted as mine and it kills me to imagine having another child with someone else. But I am still dealing with not wanting my relationship to be over in the first place so the thought of even finding someone is really impossible for me. I hate the idea of divorce and feel like a failure as it is.

 

[ravenmel]

If ou live in an area where people are very divided she ma develop issues and if she doesn't feel accepted b our family or is made to feel different

I'm black and my ex is white Norwegian, his family are fine they adore our daughter and the one on the way .My daughter is very pale and I'm very dark ,so often get asked if I'm her mum which is annoying but understandable. Do worry that the new baby will be a different complexion causing jealousy ,because people don't say it openly but fair skin is favored a lot amounts soon cultures. I do get the feeling that my ex's grandmother is relieved that m daughter is fair skin but she's old school and the only one that makes me think this

 

[SilasLove]

I honestly feel the exact same way. I feel that I never want to be with a white man again as perhaps I would want to have children with that person and then my children would be different from their siblings. If I were ever to be with a white man I do believe I would refuse to have children - at the very least.

I don't so much worry about my kids feeling different as they do have their father in their life and his family. But I do worry about finding a good place to live with racial diversity as where we live now is pretty much strictly white. x

 

[Terukki]

I honestly felt the same way my baby is going to be half white and half black. I thought to myself would the baby feel weird if I ever found another relationship and he is something else and we have kids together. I'm also afraid if that baby grows up and feels left out it they realize they are from a bad relationship. I would never hide who the father is but he is violent so visiting him would be a problem.

 

[happy&healthy]

I am a single mom to a black/white mixed baby. If I met the right man, I don't think it would matter what color his skin was. People adopt children all the time of different ethnicities and it doesn't make a differenace. That being said, I am still very attracted to black men, because, yes, it would be nice if they 'looked' like the father. but I certainly wouldn't turn down a great man because he was not black.

 

[trinaestella]

I have been thinking that this morning, I looked at Aliyah and thought of my future husband and if we have kids what race they would be and if Aliyah might feel left out.. I doubt I will stick to asian guys though, maybe I would date a white guy or an Italian...