glbell920
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- Sep 29, 2011
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I lost Gavin at 15 1/2 weeks. It's been a week now since I lost my baby. I don't feel like I can really share how I'm feeling with my family and friends. They don't really understand. They have been most loving and supportive and I still feel so alone.
I had an unexpected unexplained miscarriage at 12 weeks 3 years ago so this pregnancy every day up to 12 weeks it was in the back of my mind that I could possibly lose my baby. Every day after I passed 12 weeks I was hopeful that I would go full term this time. I didn't even make any huge announcement that I was pregnant for fear that I would have to tell everyone if I lost the baby.
The last month and half or so was really scary because I started bleeding. I went to the doctor and they did 2 ultrasounds and both looked perfectly fine. My baby was healthy and measuring right on point. They kept saying that sometimes women bleed. They couldn't determine why or see where it was coming from. They put me on pelvic and bed rest and figured it would resolve itself. I was on bed rest for 4 weeks and at my follow up appointment the doctor felt I was well enough to do modified bed rest....light activity but I could leave the house. That weekend I went to dinner with my husband and before we made it home I was cramping so bad it was hard to walk. I thought maybe I had done too much so I tried to lay down and relax. For 6 hours straight I had nonstop cramping that was so painful I couldn't sleep. Finally at 3:30 am Saturday morning I was able to get some sleep. I wanted to go to the ER but I didn't think it would do any good. With my previous miscarriage I went to the ER over the weekend and they said it wasn't much they could do if I was miscarrying. They sent me home and told me to follow up with my OBGYN that Monday. So this time I just suffered through the weekend. Monday morning I felt wet and thought it was from the bleeding but it was clear so I figured maybe my water bag burst or was leaking. I also noticed that once I stood up the bleeding was heavier and I was passing clots. I called the doctor's office and they saw me first thing. They sent me straight to ultrasound. By then I was crying I was in so much pain. I was hardly able to walk to the ultrasound room. The tech looked at my baby and everything looked perfect yet again. The heartbeat was strong. My cervix was closed and long. She was stomped. I was obviously in pain and bleeding but she couldn't detect anything on the ultrasound. They had to use a wheelchair to get me from ultrasound to my doctor's office. He examined me and thought that I had a twin pregnancy and lost one of the babies but the other was doing fine. This was all news to me since we had no idea that I possibly had two babies. We were only expecting one. I was relieved however that at least one of the babies was okay. He decided to admit me because I had a fever and an infection so they wanted to put me on IV and give me some antibiotics. Hours after I was admitted he came in to warn me that my fever was rising even on the antibiotics and they didn't know why. He said as a last resort they may have to terminate my pregnancy to save my life if they couldn't get my temperature down. I heard him but I was thinking all I needed was some time for the antibiotics to work and I'd be fine. At some point he came back with the most terrible news. They had to terminate my pregnancy because my temperature was dangerously high and I was at risk for my organs to start failing. In my heart I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to go along with it but I didn't really have a choice. My baby was too small to survive without me. At this point I was numb and tired. I just gave in. I delivered Gavin the next morning at 10:35. He was 2.7 ounces. He was the perfect little baby boy. I watched them clean him up and dress him. I held him in the palm of my hand. He was tiny but fully formed. I was in love with him as much as if he was full term....possibly more since I knew this was the only time I would have to share with him. I kept him with me all day. The hospital staff was wonderful. They helped to make our time together really special and memorable. I kept him with me in my room in a tiny basinett. I showed him off to everyone that visited. When it was time to let him go it was hard. I wasn't sending him to the nursery where I could call for him in the morining and bring him home with me. I was sending him to the morgue. I had to call funeral homes from my hospital bed to make arrangements. I wanted to make sure they could pick him up when I was released. I couldn't image leaving him there without me being there. When I got home it really hit me hard. I'm not pregnant. My baby is being cremated. I will never hold him again. I just cried. Everybody around me tried to be comforting and say what they thought would make me feel better but nothing makes you feel better at the time.
Besides not having him with me, the thing that hurts most is the idea of moving on. Although I know I have to, I don't want to move on and forget how much I love him and how much he means to me right now. I have his picture on my night stand and I look at it every morining and every night. I have his face on my laptop and cell phone. I have all of the memorabila from the hospital...his teddy bear, blanket, hat, and life certificate with his tiny foot and hand prints. Those are the only tangible things I have of his and they mean so much to me.
Everyone else has seemed to move on. Physically i'm 10% better and to everyone else I look fine but inside I'm still hurting and lost. I can't even talk to my husband because he doesn't understand either. I get upset with him because he acts like everyone else...like Gavin didn't exist. He may be dealing with it in his own way but I just don't understand how you lose a child and can go on like nothing ever happened.
I'm doing my best to keep his memory alive. We had him cremated and I have a special place for his urn in the living room. I want to get a keepsake box/frame to put all of his belongings in. I just want him to know that he is very much loved and missed. I still don't know why but I am praying and trusting God for comfort and peace.
Gavin mommy loves you and you will forever be in my heart.
I had an unexpected unexplained miscarriage at 12 weeks 3 years ago so this pregnancy every day up to 12 weeks it was in the back of my mind that I could possibly lose my baby. Every day after I passed 12 weeks I was hopeful that I would go full term this time. I didn't even make any huge announcement that I was pregnant for fear that I would have to tell everyone if I lost the baby.
The last month and half or so was really scary because I started bleeding. I went to the doctor and they did 2 ultrasounds and both looked perfectly fine. My baby was healthy and measuring right on point. They kept saying that sometimes women bleed. They couldn't determine why or see where it was coming from. They put me on pelvic and bed rest and figured it would resolve itself. I was on bed rest for 4 weeks and at my follow up appointment the doctor felt I was well enough to do modified bed rest....light activity but I could leave the house. That weekend I went to dinner with my husband and before we made it home I was cramping so bad it was hard to walk. I thought maybe I had done too much so I tried to lay down and relax. For 6 hours straight I had nonstop cramping that was so painful I couldn't sleep. Finally at 3:30 am Saturday morning I was able to get some sleep. I wanted to go to the ER but I didn't think it would do any good. With my previous miscarriage I went to the ER over the weekend and they said it wasn't much they could do if I was miscarrying. They sent me home and told me to follow up with my OBGYN that Monday. So this time I just suffered through the weekend. Monday morning I felt wet and thought it was from the bleeding but it was clear so I figured maybe my water bag burst or was leaking. I also noticed that once I stood up the bleeding was heavier and I was passing clots. I called the doctor's office and they saw me first thing. They sent me straight to ultrasound. By then I was crying I was in so much pain. I was hardly able to walk to the ultrasound room. The tech looked at my baby and everything looked perfect yet again. The heartbeat was strong. My cervix was closed and long. She was stomped. I was obviously in pain and bleeding but she couldn't detect anything on the ultrasound. They had to use a wheelchair to get me from ultrasound to my doctor's office. He examined me and thought that I had a twin pregnancy and lost one of the babies but the other was doing fine. This was all news to me since we had no idea that I possibly had two babies. We were only expecting one. I was relieved however that at least one of the babies was okay. He decided to admit me because I had a fever and an infection so they wanted to put me on IV and give me some antibiotics. Hours after I was admitted he came in to warn me that my fever was rising even on the antibiotics and they didn't know why. He said as a last resort they may have to terminate my pregnancy to save my life if they couldn't get my temperature down. I heard him but I was thinking all I needed was some time for the antibiotics to work and I'd be fine. At some point he came back with the most terrible news. They had to terminate my pregnancy because my temperature was dangerously high and I was at risk for my organs to start failing. In my heart I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to go along with it but I didn't really have a choice. My baby was too small to survive without me. At this point I was numb and tired. I just gave in. I delivered Gavin the next morning at 10:35. He was 2.7 ounces. He was the perfect little baby boy. I watched them clean him up and dress him. I held him in the palm of my hand. He was tiny but fully formed. I was in love with him as much as if he was full term....possibly more since I knew this was the only time I would have to share with him. I kept him with me all day. The hospital staff was wonderful. They helped to make our time together really special and memorable. I kept him with me in my room in a tiny basinett. I showed him off to everyone that visited. When it was time to let him go it was hard. I wasn't sending him to the nursery where I could call for him in the morining and bring him home with me. I was sending him to the morgue. I had to call funeral homes from my hospital bed to make arrangements. I wanted to make sure they could pick him up when I was released. I couldn't image leaving him there without me being there. When I got home it really hit me hard. I'm not pregnant. My baby is being cremated. I will never hold him again. I just cried. Everybody around me tried to be comforting and say what they thought would make me feel better but nothing makes you feel better at the time.
Besides not having him with me, the thing that hurts most is the idea of moving on. Although I know I have to, I don't want to move on and forget how much I love him and how much he means to me right now. I have his picture on my night stand and I look at it every morining and every night. I have his face on my laptop and cell phone. I have all of the memorabila from the hospital...his teddy bear, blanket, hat, and life certificate with his tiny foot and hand prints. Those are the only tangible things I have of his and they mean so much to me.
Everyone else has seemed to move on. Physically i'm 10% better and to everyone else I look fine but inside I'm still hurting and lost. I can't even talk to my husband because he doesn't understand either. I get upset with him because he acts like everyone else...like Gavin didn't exist. He may be dealing with it in his own way but I just don't understand how you lose a child and can go on like nothing ever happened.
I'm doing my best to keep his memory alive. We had him cremated and I have a special place for his urn in the living room. I want to get a keepsake box/frame to put all of his belongings in. I just want him to know that he is very much loved and missed. I still don't know why but I am praying and trusting God for comfort and peace.
Gavin mommy loves you and you will forever be in my heart.
I also got a lovely woman to write their names in the sand (see pic on the left), I'm going to get these printed out and hang in my house. 
And knowing me, I imagine my Em' is alot like me, probably showing him how to be mischievious 
I was 19 weeks when my contractions started and went immediately to the hospital cuz deep down I just KNEW it wasn't good ... Once there they monitored me and decided yep I was in labor.. Well all the doctors decided to take blood work cuz they just KNEW the reason for my preterm labor was infection, so we waited for the results while they admitted me ... My results came back and they a slightly, barely elevated so they pretty much slammed the book and said "AH Ha, that settles it, you must be developing an infection, so they just put me on medication and left me in the hospital, well my contractions did slow down but when they would slow my meds down they would pick right back up, so after 4 days of that they decided I should get an amnicentisis to check for infection, I was scared to death, I knew it was very risky I have heard all the scary stories, I knew it could cause your water to break and I was also scared cuz the thought of a huge needle being inserted into my tummy, YIKES... BUT I wanted answers and I wanted them to see it wasn't a freakin' infections that it was just my crappy cervix, so I honestly thought once we got thru that then they would listen to me and just leave me on meds and bedrest.... Well, I did the amnio, and it wasn't painful at all, whew, lol... but I was scared to death.... He said amnio fluid was clear and looked good but they was gonna send it off for some testing, so just waiting and monitoring... Well that day I was crampy and they said that was to be expected so I just chilled in the hospital bed...But at 6:30pm that VERY same night, my water ended breaking!!! 
