Freaking myself out (Essay-like post)

[Gilka]

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping that some of you will understand where I'm coming from and offer some advice or reassurance because I'm freaking myself out.....

A bit of background-I lost my son whilst I was 25 weeks pregnant, 15 years ago. He died whilst in my uterus due to placental insufficiency and he was born still. He was small and I never looked pregnant, just fat!!

Anyway, I'm now 15 weeks pregnant at 40 years of age. During my early pregnancy I felt so positive about it, that this time things would work out because my lifestyle was different and I was prepared and older and more mature. I had my 12 weeks scan and all seemed ok so nothing really to worry about. But ever since the scan I've been worrying that this baby won't grow like my little boy and that I'll lose him again.

I saw the consultant last week due to my age, raised bmi and because of what happened before. My blood pressure was a little high(148/90) so they requested I take aspirin daily and to go to my GP weekly to monitor blood pressure. They've booked me in for growth scans later in the pregnancy and I'm seeing the consultant again in two weeks. So they seem to have it all under control. They also did a quick scan and baby was ok, heart beating and moving about. Had my BP checked today and all was good, 104/60.

I'm not showing yet, and it's worrying me, even though I know that I won't show early because I carry weight on my stomach - and it is early yet. I'm so worried that this baby won't grow like before and that that it won't stay with me. I even started thinking that the reason my BP had gone down was because the baby had died

So I'm freaking myself out, trying to think positive, because there is no reason why this baby won't make it - thousands of babies every day do-but I'm really scared. I can't say goodbye again.......

Has/Does anyone else feel like this? How do you control it?

 

[Kasey84]

Hi Hun,
I'm so sorry for your previous loss. Being pregnant after a loss is difficult and unfortunately I don't there is any easy fix for the worry and fear. I lost my first baby at 14 weeks and when I got pregnant again I was happy, but terrified. I've worried about this baby a lot, particularly in the first half of the pregnancy. Once I started to feel the baby move and had my 20 week scan and saw a healthy baby I was a little reassured, but it hasn't stopped me from worrying all together.

I think it's completely natural for you to worry given the loss you experienced in the past. My only advice is to take things one day at a time and lean on others for support. Talk about your fears and worries rather then keep them bottled up inside. I found talking with other ladies on here was very helpful and kept me sane! One other thing that did help me was getting my own Fetal Doppler so that I could listen to the heartbeat at home whenever I wanted reassurance.

I can tell you that I wasn't showing at all at 15 weeks and I'm very petite. Every woman's body is so different.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way for a happy and healthy pregnancy!

 

[Gilka]

Hi Hun,
I'm so sorry for your previous loss. Being pregnant after a loss is difficult and unfortunately I don't there is any easy fix for the worry and fear. I lost my first baby at 14 weeks and when I got pregnant again I was happy, but terrified. I've worried about this baby a lot, particularly in the first half of the pregnancy. Once I started to feel the baby move and had my 20 week scan and saw a healthy baby I was a little reassured, but it hasn't stopped me from worrying all together.

I think it's completely natural for you to worry given the loss you experienced in the past. My only advice is to take things one day at a time and lean on others for support. Talk about your fears and worries rather then keep them bottled up inside. I found talking with other ladies on here was very helpful and kept me sane! One other thing that did help me was getting my own Fetal Doppler so that I could listen to the heartbeat at home whenever I wanted reassurance.

I can tell you that I wasn't showing at all at 15 weeks and I'm very petite. Every woman's body is so different.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way for a happy and healthy pregnancy!

Thank you for replying hun, it's much appreciated.
I'm so sorry for your loss too, it's the worst thing in the world.

I'll talk more here, it's no good talking to people I know because however hard they try, they just can't understand. I'm thinking about getting a doppler, I always said that I wouldn't get one because it would make me worse, especially if I can't find it! But I am so tempted and have been looking!

Thank you for reassuring me, it won't take the worry away but I think it helps to know that I'm not the only person who feels like that this and it's relatively normal...

 

[Kasey84]

Thank you. You're so right. People who haven't experienced this type of loss can't really understand. That's why I found it so helpful to talk on this forum. I hope that you find the same comfort here that I did! I joined a group on here under PAL with other ladies due around the same time (April rainbow babies thread). I'm sure there is a group here with other ladies due around the same time as you as well.

Feel free to message me as well if you ever want to chat.

 

[cookette]

How ridiculously scary for you I can easily say that I would be feeling the exact same way! Im hesitant to write this, but have you considered an at-home doppler? If you invest in the nicer ones and get some training and practice with it, maybe hearing the heart beat more often would give you a little peace of mind that they are at least still in there? I have no great advice sugar, just wanted to send some hugs

 

[dairymomma]

I've had many losses so I know the fear. But know that not every pregnancy is the same and it's possible to go to term after a loss. I've gone to term twice after a miscarriage and it's looking like I'll be having my third child in July (after 4 m/c since my daughter was born). If it'll help, invest in a home doppler. I chose not to get one as the anxiety for me would have been far worse. (I know myself too well. ) I lucked out though and have an amazing doctor who lets me call his nurses directly with any question or concern and gets me squeezed in for scans or appts whenever I've needed one.

As for showing, I am considered obese and have a very high BMI so I didn't start showing until I was pretty much at this point and I'm 6 months. Even now, unless I'm wearing maternity pants that smooth out my belly bumps, I only look fat not pregnant. So don't worry about not showing. Not all of us do. (And it's not just us bigger girls who have this issue. My cousin's wife is a thin as a twig and nearly 6ft tall, yet she doesn't show a bump until she's like 7 months along. Most people don't believe she's pg until she's pretty much ready to deliver.)

 

[Gilka]

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your words.
I think I'm going to look at renting a doppler, until I start to feel the baby move. I'm going to phone the midwife tomorrow also, to see if she can squeeze me in to find the heartbeat as I'm worried.

The logical side of my brain says that I've had no bleeding or painful cramping, that I still have a bloated uterus feeling, my boobs are still veiny and a bit tender, am still a little bit icky/indegetion-ey so things must be ok but the scared part of me is sometimes winning! I'm just convinced that the baby isn't growing or has died.

I know I can't do this for the next 25 weeks or so because I'll be a gibbering wreck. I do think I'll feel a bit better once I can feel good movements.

 

[Kasey84]

I hope your Midwife can fit you in soon. Keep us posted hun! I did find the Doppler reassuring and once the baby was moving regularly, I didn't even feel the need to use it any longer.

 

[Gilka]

Hi everyone,
I hope you're all doing ok.
Just wanted to give you a little update.

Went to see the consultant yesterday and was, as usual, freaking out after the appointment. I swear I come out of there more scared and worried than when I go in!
He checked the baby's heartbeat which was ok and running at approx 150 bpm and he was happy with that.
I had +3 ketones, was told to go and eat something straight away, even though I wasn't hungry. They wanted me to do another test at the end of the appointment, said I'd try as wasn't sure if I could go and was told to have a drink and try otherwise they would really worry about me. That really scared me. Anyway, I managed it and it was all fine.

I've got to deliver in another hospital as I'm basically at higher risk because of my higher bmi, my age and my previous loss. I kind of knew this anyway so not a major biggie but then he said I'd need to be induced at 40 weeks because I lost my last little one. I do understand why they're doing it but I really didn't want to be induced, it causes no end of trouble but I guess I'll have to deal with it.

I'm just coming to terms with that I guess, I've been really emotional today but also I just feel like I'm going through the motions waiting for this baby to die too. I keep having what happened before running through my mind, but I keep telling myself that's not what is going to happen this time. Trying to think positive you know.

 

[Kasey84]

I'm glad your appt went well. Sounds like little one is doing good in there! It also sounds like they're planning to really keep an eye you this pregnancy which is a great thing!

I totally understand you still be concerned. After every appt I would feel reassured for a short time and then go right back to being scared. If only we could shut that off.

Hang in there and take it all one day at a time! Sending big hugs and positive thoughts!