Friend's loss at 20 weeks

[LucyRuth]

I'd like to begin by saying how sorry I am for the losses suffered by those on here. This seems like a very special place to come for support though, so I hope you can help.

My friend has sadly suffered a miscarriage at 20 weeks. She is opting to go through expectant management rather than have any medical intervention. Has anyone on here experienced this in the second trimester? If so would you be willing to share you experience?

My friend would like to know how long labour/birth is likely to take (she has had one vaginal live birth and two early miscarriages previously if that makes a difference).

Also how long she should expect to still have her bump after the birth?

Many thanks in advance for any help you are able to offer. I feel very useless and unable to answer her questions at the moment .

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry. I lost Ava at 18 weeks, they set me up for a D and E and I had NO idea what that was if I did I would have said no. It didn't matter cause I didn't make it to the hospital I had the baby in my bathroom and I thank God I did. We held Ava and we buried her March 11th, worst day of my life My labor was easy as with my three boys it was 2 hours and she was out and the placenta I pushed out in the ambulance Everyones labor is different I have just been lucky all mine went this way. I lost my bump about 2 weeks later and I should be getting my period soon as it is almost 5 weeks now. My period will be the last reminder of my loss Just be there for your friend and let her know you love her. My best friend of 30 years I am 40, has been my rock, she is always there we talk all day long and if it was not for her I don't know what i would do. These forums are also such a big help they all know what she is going through. After things settle down you should guide her here it will help her believe me. You are a good friend and I am glad she has you.

 

[LucyRuth]

I am so sorry for your loss Andypanda, and thank you so much for taking the time to share all of that. My friend would like to give birth at home as she had always planned a home birth so your experience if very useful. It sounds like you have an amazing best friend x x x

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry for your loss Andypanda, and thank you so much for taking the time to share all of that. My friend would like to give birth at home as she had always planned a home birth so your experience if very useful. It sounds like you have an amazing best friend x x x

I do have an amazing best friend . i am so lucky . We can talk about anything and that is so rare, I love her and I cherish her

 

[BabyBoyle]

Hi Lucy,

So sorry to hear about her loss

Madison was my first baby, i was induced and had 11hr labour and she came peacefully after that. As you porbably know, where she has gone through childbirth before it may be quicker for her.

Sending big hugs her way and yours, what a nice friend to have xxxxxxx

 

[jojo23]

your a very good friend hun! i had Lily at 22 weeks and labour lasted around 5 hours, im still working off the bump 6 weeks later but im sure everyone is different as im quite curvy anyways!! hope she will be ok xxxxx

 

[Semanthia]

I am so sorry for your friends loss.
I had my daughter at 20 weeks and 6 days (due to incompetent cervix and Chorioamnionitis). This was my first so I can't compare it to a full term baby but I can share what I experienced. I started getting contractions around 9 in the evening, they started off light and got stronger. I had really bad back labor and I think the baby might have been turned funny because I had this burning and almost unbearable pain in my hips shooting down through my thighs (probably not normal). I ended up delivering around 1:14 am. My contractions were not bad at first to the point where I wasn't sure they were contractions for a few hours. I honestly was hoping it was just gas pain or something. I ended up leaving to go to the hospital after midnight. My husband was speeding which was a good thing because my water broke in the car (about a 30 minute car ride). The pain in my hips and the contraction stopped immediately after she was out. She was only 9.4 ounces so personally for me I didn't really have to push she kind of flew out with a gush of idk probably amniotic fluid.
It really wasn't that bad and even though I was in labor for a few hours it went by quickly. She should think about what she wants now. Like if she wants to see and hold the baby, if she wants pictures, etc. I suggest pictures even if the baby isn't alive and I suggest some type of family pictures. I saw someone who had some cute ones done with their baby (who was born at 20 weeks gestation) and now I am sorry I didn't get any family pictures. I'll share what I regret so maybe that'll help her. I regret not getting family pictures, I regret not kissing her face or talking to her (but that might be my guilt because she was born alive and I was just shocked about everything that happened plus they didn't wipe her face or give me sometime with just my husband and my baby). I suggest she know what she wants to do and tell whoever is there with her what she wants. Just in case she is in a state of shock about everything that is happening they can speak up for her. I wish her the best of luck! Also my husband and I needed those first few days by ourselves to mourn our loss and it was nice not having to repeatedly talk to people about it. We just needed a few days to cry and snuggle. With everyone offering to stay with us it was kind of hard for us to say that is what we wanted because we didn't want to hurt feelings, but we knew what we needed and it was what was right for the both of us. Let her know there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

 

[kam78]

I went into premature labor & they couldn't stop it... I was in the hospital for a week , on meds & complete bed rest & I was like freight train.. Ugh.. Stupid cervix... My Emma was born sleeping at 19 weeks & 4 days... I have a lot of regrets... So, I'll share so it will help her make some decisions, hopefully.... My doctor kept urging me to take a LOT of pain medicine & depression medicine, and even a epidural ...All so I wouldn't feel as much & he thought that would help me mentally .. Well, at first I kept saying no, cuz I have delivered 4 other healthy children & knew this birth couldn't be that painful but he kept saying , it wasn't for the physical pain, it was for me emtionally, so I agreed... What the heck did I know, nothing... BUT I wish I didn't take all that medicine... I felt like a zombie & didn't have any emtions or feeling that aweful night... I was like a robot & do NOT like that... Another regret, Although I did get pics of Emma, the nurses did an amazing job.. I didn't however get a family pic.. One of me, her & her daddy... Would love to have one of those.... One thing I am SOOOO grateful for... I got to spend as much time with her as I wanted... and I got to hold her, kiss her, rock her & talk & cry with her.... Tell your friend to take her time... I felt a lil rushed but sooo thankful I spent time with Emma... I treasure that the most!!

You are an amazing friend!!! Give her a big hug from all of us!! Xoxo

 

[AndreaBat]

I dont have experience of a second trimester loss but i did have a mc at 8 weeks and I just wanted to say how important it is to the person suffering the loss that u have ppl around u who care and support you and who will be a shoulder to cry on and be the strength beneath them when all they want to do is crumble. Well done on being such a good friend.

 

[LucyRuth]

I am so grateful for all your replies- thank you for taking the time to respond. I am so sorry to hear about all of your losses, but so grateful that you have taken the time to hopefully make the whole experience a little bit less horrific for my friend. I have passed on the things you all regretted as hopefully this will help her and her husband. You are all very special Mummies x x

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so grateful for all your replies- thank you for taking the time to respond. I am so sorry to hear about all of your losses, but so grateful that you have taken the time to hopefully make the whole experience a little bit less horrific for my friend. I have passed on the things you all regretted as hopefully this will help her and her husband. You are all very special Mummies x x

You are special yourself xooxox