frustrated with feeling upset!

[FBbaby]

I used to get upset each time I got a bfn, each time I heard of a pregnancy, saw someone with a big belly, each time something went wrong with my cycle etc... after many months, I learnt to take it all into my stride, learnt that being upset about others would not change my situation. I even got to the stage of wondering whether I trully 100% wanted another baby, started considering the reasons why it might not be as wonderful as I think, started experiencing some times (usually as I am about to go to bed and am desperate for a good night sleep ) that I actually don't care much about being a mum again. I spend a lot of time counting all my blessings, reminding myself that I am so immensely lucky to be a mum of two perfect children already, that fate brough my OH into my life at the age of 38, my soulmate who allows me to experience the wonders of a safe and loving relationship, and the fact that I and all those I love are healthy and besides the little niggling problems we all experience, noone is dealing with difficult decisions, trauma or anything like that. So yes, I am and feel trully happy with my life.

So why does it feels like I am being stabbed in the heart when my ex mentions his and his partner's forthcoming appointment with the midwife. I felt momentarily upset when he announced the news and the feeling of unfairness we all go through (they are both not working, they don't live healthy lifestyles, my ex doesn't pay anything towards our children, etc...), but I managed to rationalise it, reminded myself how massively lucky I am with my life and I was ok with it, or so I thought.

My frustation is no longer with the fact that they have what I wish I had, my frustration is that I can't stop feeling personally affected by it with some sense of jealousy and hurt when I don't want to feel like that. I have accepted that I might never be a mum again and in theory, I am ok with it, so why do I still count the days until ov and make sure that OH and I bd then, why do I continue to feel so tense in the 1ww, and why am I letting it consume me when I have never been so happy in my life. 18 months ago, I so wanted to have a baby, nowaday, I just want to be able to move on and enjoy my wonderful life without feeling something is missing. Why can't it????

Sorry for the novel, but does anyone else feel this frustration of wanting to move on emotionally but not managing it?

 

[Janie66]

Hi FBBaby,

That could of almost been me writing that, except for a few differences I guess, my ex went on to have more children with his g/f, they both are not fit, smoke, overweight, my ex doesnt work, doesnt pay towards my girls, since my eldest was 12 years old, she now 19, my youngest is 13, his g/f had her last child just over 5 years ago, and shes nearly a year older than me.. Ive been TTC seriously for 2 years nearly, and ntnp before that.... yet nothing, I too try and feel all the positives with what I have.

But for me, because my husband who Im with now, dose not have any of his own children, so has never experianced this, and I have not experianced this with him too, its that for me that drives me to keep trying, and keep trying, I do hate feeling like this, its so overpowering, I sometimes feel like im obessed and on the verge of going crackers, I look at babys, pregnant women, babys shops etc etc, and make myself so low and down, because that longing becomes so high and so important ,that brings it again towards the forefront in my mind, when I'm trying to go with the flow and be chilled about teh whole TTC bit, but then I also get at the same time, its like i have this HUGE imaginary clock I can hear ticking away, with my age flashing above it, reminding me every second of how much time i have left.............

I dont have the answers, just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel, and what you are thinking, I think for me, and maybe thats the same for you, I'm with someone who I love with all my heart, and I WANT,and NEED to experiance having a child with someone who you love so much, its an inbuilt desire, genetic I guess, and thats something we cannot do a thing about.

Good luck, xxxxxxx

 

[FBbaby]

Thanks Janie for your reply. You are perfectly right, it is the overwhelming desire to have a baby with my partner and make him a dad that is probably holding me back. He would be such a wonderful dad and as you say, I so wish I could experience the most wonderful thing in the world with the man I adore more than anything.

How does your partner feel about it all? It is my man who first brought up the subject of having a baby together. He was so emotional when I said yes because he thought having been through it, I wouldn't want to do it again and was thankful I did. When I got my bfp our first month ttc, he was over the moon. He wrote the most touching texts which I still have but don't dare read again. But after ttc for some time and then finding out his swimmers are not ultimum (and neither are my eggs), he has taken a step back. His position now is that if it happens, it will be great, but he is totally ok with the prospect that it might not. He is dealing with it exactly how I wish I was too but can't seem able to. We have now agreed after some back and forth to give IVF one try in the spring, but deep inside, what I would like more than anything is to be able to move on and not hold on to the hope, and just be delighted if fate gave us a surprise. I am so frustrated that I am not finding the route to get to that state of mind however hard I look for it!

 

[mrsdh]

Hi FBbaby, just wanted to say also like janie66, that your post echoes all what i feel too. We tell ourselves after months of ttc that we wont let this month drive us insane,that we wont symptom spot, wont let the green eyed monster get to us when we hear of news of yet another woman getting pregnant(usually they lead an unhealthy lifestyle,but breed like rabbits)and every month get angry and upset with ourselves that we cant seem to control our negative emotions. I feel post ov that i can become an obsessive totally insane woman.When im out shopping all i see is pregnant bellies and think well shes in her 40s, i wonder how she managed to do it,did she have to wait what seems like an eternity to fall pregnant. It might be that im looking out for it but it also seems that all you hear is how your age is affecting fertility and so on.Its so depressing..Anyway all i hope is that you find comfort in us girls sharing the same thoughts on this rollercoaster we are on. I wish you lots of babydust and hope you dont wait too long for your bfp xx

 

[FBbaby]

thank you mrsdh. Yes, it is comforting to know others feel just the same. There is no doubt that I would feel slightly different if I was younger and knew I had more time in front of me. It's hard to be patient for everyone when you want something so badly, but it is much harder when time is limited. I am turning 40 in 3 weeks and that's another sore point at the moment. If it wasn't for ttc, I would be embracing it quite happily. I feel great with myself, never been so fit in my life, satisfied with where I am....but all I can link turning 40 with is that the bomb for fertility is starting to tick even louder. I see reaching 40 without being pregnant as a failure and I am struggling to get out of this mindset. Everyone is looking forward to celebrating with me and I feel guilty that just because of ttc, I can't get excited about it!

I spoke with my OH about it last night and I can tell that he is hurt for me. He said that you can't make yourself feel differently by just a click of the fingers and that I need to trust time. He is right, the problem is that I am stuck in that in between stage where on one hand I feel it is time to move on, but on the other hand, I am not ready at all since we have agreed to do IVF next spring and I have an appointment with the FS in December to try clomid. Last night I decided to hang on until after the IVF. By then, we will have ttced for 2 years and tried everything, hopefully I will then be able to turn the page once and for all.

Good luck Janie and mrsdh, your posts have helped in that moment of vulnerability. I hope I can be there for you too if you feel low at any time

 

[mrsdh]

I know what you mean about your 40th approaching. My 40th is in and my DH keeps going on about the party he's organising for me, the holiday he's taking me on, and all I can think is sod the party and holiday all I want is to be pregnant. I sound so self centred and spoilt I know. But for some reason I have this feeling that I'm past my sell by date and as you said a bit of a failure. I have got 3 kids but my 2 boys are 18 and 15. My little girl nearly 2 and I so wanted another brother or sister for her nearer her age. I'm so lucky to have them and tell myself time after time that some women struggle for just 1, but do you think it sinks in? Like he'll it doesn't . The desire to have a child takes you over like your possessed. Rational thinking becomes clouded and all you see is this horrid age time clock getting louder and louder. I think it's a good idea to for you to give yourself this go at ivf. You may in the meantime relax about ttc as you know you have something in the pipeline so to speak. My acupuncturist tells me the stress hormone can prevent conception, but trying to relax and not stress every month is easier said than done. In the meantime we are all here for each other and thank you for your offer of support too. Take care xxx