Giving baby up.

[JessicaAnne]

Hello ladies, been a while since I've posted. I recently found out I'm pregnant (again), new relationship, very early stages. I'm really thinking about giving the baby up for adoption, I already have two and I'll only be 21 when this ones born. I honestly don't think I would cope with another . I have no idea how to go about it, I'm in the UK and I can't find much online. I did have a lot of questions but my minds gone blank now

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[anita665]

This would be something to talk to your midwife about when you first see her. They will give you all the info you need and support you no matter what you decide to do.

Of course it goes without saying that it's a very difficult decision to make and one that you should take plenty of time over. You already have two children so you know exactly what it is you're thinking of giving up. It seems like there is no easy option here...only what you feel you can live with.

 

[Mrs Jewksey]

Only you can decide, but don't be like a woman I know who gave up her daughter because she believed it was the best thing, then spent the following 20 years full of remorse when things perked up, after she had given her daughter up.
Its a big decision, but if you genuinely feel you can't cope, then it may be the best one.
I'd wait until baby is born before you decide if I were you, its normal to feel this when your pregnant & young but I hope you can come up with a solution where everyone wins. What about the baby's father, what does he think?
Kindest regards

 

[JessicaAnne]

Thank you for the replies, I'm still thinking about it very very hard!

The baby's dad agree's with it (he wanted an 'A', something that wasn't an option for me). I saw the midwife yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to mention anything, which is why I know my decision isn't well and truly decided. I read online (I don't know how true it is) I'll meet with a social worker during the pregnancy to talk things over, and then again when the baby arrives. The site also said I'm not allowed to sign anything until the baby is 6 weeks old at least.

I'll be seeing the my midwife again at 16 weeks, so I'll mention it to her then. Any input from her will be appreciated too.

Thank you again for the replies, I know my post didn't ask much! x

 

[Loski83]

Hi I'm from the other side I suppose the little girl we adopted in uk was given up at birth also and she is the most wonderful person in the world to us. Different circumstances are her birth mother already had 2 children and would most likely have lost her through social services if she didn't relinquish her at birth. Just wanted to let you know though that our little girl is very loved and we wouldn't have her if it wasn't for the adoption system. You need to think if you can cope with just getting a letter once a year or something like that though. Hope this helps a little xx

 

[jamiemcbride1]

I understand you completely, i had my first when i was 18 coming 19, then fell pregnant again and had my 2nd when i was 20 coming 21, now im comming 22 and ive the most loveist littlle boys you could always try an open adoption? ive been thinking long and hard about adopting and i wish i could help you, but your probley so far away x

 

[presnellja]

Hi Jessica,
I truly feel for you in this situation. However, I find it very selfless and truly loving of this unborn child to put your child first and be willing to even say that you feel like it could be a better decision for this child. It takes a very strong courageous person to just be thinking this out loud. I myself have personal experiences with adoption. My two younger brothers were adopted at birth. We did meet one birthmother and she knew she unable to care for him and did the best for him. She was very young and had already had several children. Neither of my brothers have problems with being adopted. We have been open since birth with them about the adoption. However, they are my brothers and there are many women who dream of being a mother and just can not physically make it happen. I am a person with a strong faith and feel that there are situations that arise to where the birthmother can not care for a child for others to be blessed and have answered prayers. I feel the birthmother gets her prayers answered as well by finding a forever home where her child can be cared for and loved forever! So, adoption is not a horrible thing. However, I agree with the other ladies that it is a very big decision and one that you need to make sure you are emotionally ready for. Ask yourself the questions and answer them truthfully...Will you be able to hand your baby over to a new family and be emotional able to handle that? And if you trust that you can, then you need to decide what path to take as far a an open adoption with contact or no contact. I, myself, have been on the adoption journey...I am on the other end of the spectrum so to speak. I am physically unable to become pregnant. I found out when i was a teenager. Many women/young ladies it would devastate to find out this type of information. I will admit I did grieve a little while about it but I new how I could still become a mother someday. I knew that it was just a road block for me because adoption to me can be an even more special event that pregnancy. I actually was approached by a young mother this time last year. She was 17 and her boyfriend was 19. They already had one son that was only three months old and found out she was pregnant again. She knew of my family and that I was looking for a child to adopt. We talked and I welcomed them both with open arms into my life. I helped support them, took them to doctor appointments and even financially helped them with their son. She even went with me to the adoption lawyer. I had already payed some fees to the lawyer. But a few months later when her son turned 6 months, she decided not to do it. I was okay with that but it was devastating to me. I was completely heartbroken. I am only telling you this, so you know that if you do decide that adoption is the right path, make sure you are without a doubt ready for all that is involved. This young girl told me she started having doubts before but didn't want to hurt my feelings. Bless her heart, if only she had known that the longer she held on to the truth the harder it made it for both of us. I didn't intend to go into such detail but I felt compelled to tell you this..in hopes that it will help you. I couldn't imagine how hard it must be for you and your family. If you would like to know anymore about adoptions and the process, or just want to ask questions or vent...please don't hesitate. I pray that you can make a decision and that your comforted with whatever that may be.

Jami

 

[presnellja]

Hi,
I didn't realize that I forgot to leave my email address if you would like to talk, or have any questions about adoption...
i have to type it out extremely long so it does not pick it up as a link. Sorry about that but of course this huge spaces shouldn't be between the words/letters like that.

presnellja @ go. wpcc. edu

Jami

 

[lozzy21]

I understand you completely, i had my first when i was 18 coming 19, then fell pregnant again and had my 2nd when i was 20 coming 21, now im comming 22 and ive the most loveist littlle boys you could always try an open adoption? ive been thinking long and hard about adopting and i wish i could help you, but your probley so far away x

I dont think open adoption is legal in the UK unless the child is kept in the family.

 

[AerisandAlex]

Hi Jessica!
I can't really even imagine what you're going through. Everyone is right though, it takes a very strong person to openly talk about giving up their child for adoption. I also agree though that it's probably better to wait until the baby is born and speak with your midwife/obgyn before making such a big decision...

Also, I'd have a sit down with the father again and talk on a serious level with him about the baby. If his first direction was for the other 'A' and that's not something you're comfortable with then, just my opinion, it should be completely your decision what you want to do.

You are very young and with trying to make a new relationship work and then an unexpected pregnancy happening, your thoughts can run every which way. Again, I can't imagine the stress your under right now, but as long as you make your decision based on what you think is best for your baby and no one else, then you're being the best mother can be.

 

[chloe88]

adoption is legal as long as there is NO money transfered 'selling the child' -
this concludes that the welfare of the child is high priority rather than money.

how are you doing ?

i have been trying to conceive since for 3years now and found out my bone condition is a contribution as to why i can not have children, devastated and heartbroken i am looking to adopt, but i in my heart know that this needs to be the woman who's child it is decision not mine... as long as they are 100% happy i will be..


are you any sure this is what you want, can you see your baby getting a good life away from you than with you ?

hugs xx

 

[chloe88]

hello,
I can understand you are stressed but be sure this is really what you want.

I am 25 and i recently found out i am unable to have children due to my bone condition which i am devastated and heartbroken i am wanting to adopt a child and give it a lovely life that their parents are unable to give.
i would have to make sure that it was something that the mother would want.
you need to be sure that your child will get better care wit another family than with you..

i know you will do what is best.
good luck and hugs at this time. xxx

 

[JessicaAnne]

I hadn't forgotten about this thread, I was visiting my sister
Me and the baby's dad broke up a few days ago, he said he couldn't deal with it (amongst other things). I'm furious with him right now, he's also said "he'll let me know if he's coming to the scan". This may sound selfish but him saying that makes me want to tell him I don't want him there.

I'm still in very deep thought about adoption, it does seem like the perfection thing for me and the baby. I just don't want to go through the process to discover I can't do it, I couldn't get someone's hopes up like that.

Chloe88: I'm so sorry you discovered you can't carry a baby, I hope the adoption process goes smoothly for you

 

[AerisandAlex]

I'm so sorry about the break up, but he sounds like a real jerk, you'll be much better off
I know that feeling... for awhile, when I was preggo with my daughter, I thought about it as my family was being pretty pushy with me about it and I was in the middle of college... but after my daughter started kicking, I knew there was no way I could ever do it...

It never hurts to explore each avenue though. What you could do, is get in contact with an agency or talk with a therapist about exactly what goes on and don't be afraid to tell them that you might change your mind, be open with your feelings, like you are with us here ^_^ No one will blame you if you change your mind, you're the mother, and this is a big decision for you, no one expects you to take this lightly

 

[hopeandpray]

I think if you begin the process then maybe it would help you come to terms with whether or not you think you would be able to place the baby for adoption. It would be a wonderful thing to do but if it's not for you then it's not for you and nobody will judge you for it

 

[preggomomma]

i had my 1st kid at 16 & i gave him up for adoption cuz i couldnt take care of myself & there was no way i could take care of him i see him every other wknd and he knows me & i have a daughter & im currently preggo with a lil boy that im duee with august 4th and he is so excited to meet his lil brother he is such a gr8 big brother to my daughter. jst to add he is six now and he knows that he is adopted. his adoptive family has become a part of my family. i went with an open adoption and truthfully its was hard but now seeing my son so happy makes me realize i did tha right thing for him.

 

[JessicaAnne]

I thought I'd update you all

I've decided I'm going to keep her, after my dating scan, second midwife appointment and a private gender scan I totally fell in love
It's going to be hard with 3, very hard but she was conceived for a reason

Thank you all so much for all your advice

 

[AerisandAlex]

Congrats and yep, 3 can be a handful but they're so much fun!
DH and I are working on having our third together, but DH also has 3 from a previous marriage that we have constantly over. The best thing is playing games with the children or going on a picnic, little things like that, that are always better with more people

GL to you and bless your heart dear you'll be a great mom to your little girl, happy healthy 9 months to you!