Giving birth triggered a phobia of dying

[maddog37]

I'm wondering if anyone else have/had this issue? Or can you understand why giving birth might have triggered such a phobia in me?

I have postpartum anxiety and this is one of the few points I can't resolve; I feel I need to resolve it so it won't get worse. I feel so alone in this fear and have never heard of anyone else triggered to have such a phobia postpartum.

My phobia is of the dying process ... struggling for breath as I die, loss of body functions. I'm scared of the loss of control I guess? I wonder if it's also due to my having so many panic attacks while pregnant and postpartum that I fear the feeling when I am dying.

I'm scared if my LO dies before me I would not be able to handle it or if I die before LO is grown ... although I think these are rational fears most mother get so this point isn't as high priority in what I need to resolve in my head.

Please share your stories if you can. And what helped. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and she again suggests meds, which I don't want. My OB thinks it's due to a feeling of loss from having a child (loss of old life) and that it'll go away on its own.

 

[maddog37]

No one else has this? Not that I wish this on anyone, but if you do happen to have it, I would appreciate hearing how you are dealing or if it's in the past, how you dealt with it, etc. I know it's not a popular topic but it would help to hear that I'm not alone.

 

[Ohmy4]

I have it same feelings of not being able to breath...how will I die...the feeling of being non-existant...my body rotting under the ground (iam closterphobic) I panic sometimes at the thought of it all. I have need a shrink for it and talking about it openly helped. You can also get anxiety meds that work fast for those panic attacks. You know whats almost worse tho? I have these REALLY bad thoughts of my son dying...like picturing him drowning in a pool...or on fire...his poor face..needing mommy...it freaks me out. I just hold him and dont want ppl to hold him. I had this with my other kids and as they got older it got better. just something so innocent about a newborn. Your not alone thats for sure.

 

[jjbump]

I had similar feelings in the lead up to labour. I was convinced I was going to die in the process and even sorted out finance issues and arranged a will.

 

[vickyd]

I have been thinking alot about death since having my LO...I think its probably due to the fact that now we are responsible for someone elses life that triggers fear of death. Its hard to put it out of my mind and i struggle daily but im trying really hard to keep it together for the sake of my baby.

 

[maddog37]

Oh Thank you sooo much for your responses! It's stupid but somehow it really makes me feel better, even though I wish none of you have this fear. I was starting to think I'm crazy.

OhMy4 - Can I ask how talk therapy helps? I'm still on the waiting list to see a therapist. I have a psychiatrist but she just says it's not surprising to her I have this and it's a loss of control. She wants me to go on anti depressants for it but as it's still manageable most days, I don't see the point when I know they won't take it away 100% anyway.

And yes these intrusive images of our babies dying is really awful! I feel for you to have so many images in your head. Luckily for me, these ones are more fleeting. Somehow the one intrusive image that manifested for me was a torture/killing account from WW2 of a breastfeeding mother ... it would come up every time I closed my eyes - but it doesn't happen as much anymore.

So does it go away with time?

 

[Ohmy4]

Actually it doesnt go away with time...you just manage it better. I was watching this show on the History channel where they were saying soldiers used to take indian babies and wield them like a club and hit ppl with their lil bodies and stuff...made me wanna freaking vomit! now I cant get that image out of my head...but I learned some techniques to deal...for example...(i know this sounds silly...but it works) when that image comes to you like me and the "baby club" I try to take out the baby and picture something funny. like.....a piece of string cheese (lol) picturing a soldier swinging strong cheese..i focus on that until my mind gets tired and goes onto a different through. You substitute the scary/sad part for something redicilious. Talk therapy helps by getting to help you see WHY you think those things...what in your past made you so upset or scared. feelings you never knew you had...

 

[zoe87]

i had this fear on the lead up to labour after suffering to mc i was positve something would happen. I had it in my head that i would die giving birth i dont even know why the thought was in my head.
When i actually did give birth i heamooraghed and lost a lot of blood and i really thought i was going to die i thought i have ginxed myself.

 

[jjbump]

In recent days I've been feeling more anxious about mortality. I can't stop thinking what would happen if my LO died. I keep imagining horrible scenarios.

 

[Wirral_Kitty]

I have anxiety too which started mostly during my pregnancy. I thought I was going to die each time I went out or that I would lose control of my functions too. I had a horrid pregnancy and I couldnt breathe through most of it so the physical symptoms made my anxiety a lot worse. I constantly think I am going to die and I have recently started to get freaked out with the thought that I wish I had my baby when I was 17 (instead of 31) just so I can see her alive for more time. Since having my baby I feel that every little headache is a brain tumour etc and its getting unbearable being so negative. I think the only thing that helps me is the thought that each time I feel a 'panic' coming on to realise that when I have felt the same in the past then nothing has ever happened. I hope you are okay x

 

[BabyKerslake]

Hi All,

Since giving birth I too have been really frightened about dying young! I just can't see myself getting into my 40's, 50's or even beyond that! I think it may be because I want to be able to see my LO grow up and I am scared that I may not although there is nothing wrong with me to indicate this!

I don't know but it's driving me crazy to the point where I don't see much point doing anything with life for it to be stopped early! I must sound nuts!

x

 

[happybeany]

I'm the same. I'm so glad I found someone else thinking exactly the same as me!

I'm also really really paranoid about taking meds.. which is annoying given that apparently I need meds to feel better. Vicious circle! They finally got me to take a tiny dose of quetiapine to try and calm me down a bit, and my doctor is trying to get me on citalopram but I'm still too paranoid too take it...

Not sure if anyone else ever had a medication phobia?!

 

[mumoffive]

I had similar feelings in the lead up to labour. I was convinced I was going to die in the process and even sorted out finance issues and arranged a will.

I had this with my dd and this time round too. I dont feel that way so much now but i do think about dying and not being here for my children. i think that is normal though. I had a fear of dying as a child, triggered by my dad dying when i was young and seeing him dead. I imagined in my youth having allsorts of illnesses and convinced myself i was going to die. I still have this now in a small way. When i had my first children i suffered from OCD...having to check that things were off repeatedly..convinced if i didnt something awful would happen. Think its a lot to do with an overwhelming feeling of responsibility.

 

[maddog37]

I'm the same. I'm so glad I found someone else thinking exactly the same as me!

I'm also really really paranoid about taking meds.. which is annoying given that apparently I need meds to feel better. Vicious circle! They finally got me to take a tiny dose of quetiapine to try and calm me down a bit, and my doctor is trying to get me on citalopram but I'm still too paranoid too take it...

Not sure if anyone else ever had a medication phobia?!

OMG yes! I wouldn't say a medication phobia for me, but my doc's been trying to get me on citalopram as well and I am still refusing, even though she's offered to ask a pharmacist to do the liquid form so I can go down 1 mg at a time when weanng. I figured the withdrawal symptoms sound like my panic attacks x10, so if my panic attacks are already too much for me to handle but not happening all the time, why would I take meds when it won't take the anxiety away 100% anyway? The first 2 times I had to take Ativan, I was shaking so hard from anxiety of taking meds. I kept moaning, "when my life flashes before my eyes when I die, this will be the part that shows how I started on the path of drug addiction ...". It's crazy how our mind is.

Thanks all, btw, for your responses. I'm not sure if mine got triggered because I had so many panic attacks while pregnant and then had milder but daily attacks a couple weeks after the birth, and I assume the dying process is a bit like that .. out of control as I'm still conscious while I struggle for breaths and for my organs to work. And more if it's not a natural old age death. I think I won't be able to handle it. I don't want my last moments/months to be in fear and panic.

It disheartens me that this phobia might not go away. And it makes me feel selfish for thinking only of myself, though I've started getting more worried about SIDS, so nowadays it's not just all about me dying.

 

[Ani19]

I'm the same. I'm so glad I found someone else thinking exactly the same as me!

I'm also really really paranoid about taking meds.. which is annoying given that apparently I need meds to feel better. Vicious circle! They finally got me to take a tiny dose of quetiapine to try and calm me down a bit, and my doctor is trying to get me on citalopram but I'm still too paranoid too take it...

Not sure if anyone else ever had a medication phobia?!

I see u posted this few yrs ago, i wonder if u got over the fear of taking meds, im struggling with this too now, i went thru severe ppd/ppa, my baby is 14 mo, but still struggling some days, im scared like crazy of meds, im afraind they'll harm me, also im scared of dying too, it terrorize me this thoughts every day, i went to counsling and it helped ne a lot, but im still struggling, i just cant enjoy life like i used to!

 

[Abbey08]

I had this fear before getting pregnant and it's the same now maybe a little worse. It'll even make me cry at times. Not so much how I'll die more so just the fact that we all die. I can't handle the thought of not being here forever or being with my mom, husband, and now baby forever... I am fine talking about it right now and it does nothing to me but other times it randomly pops up in my head and if I can't make it go away quickly by thinking of something else and forgetting about the topic I will cry.... even in the middle of the night have awoken with it and cried... just last week in fact. I hate it so much. I also suffer from (undiagnosed) anxiety and just have never considered meds as I never thought it was bad enough.