Giving up ttc? Sry it's long. Complicated feelings.

[AnnieMac2]

So I am pregnant after a mc, and got a very early ultrasound last week at only 5w6d (although I don't know why they're saying 5w3d) because of high risk. I didn't really want one that early. Anyway, we of course saw nothing but gestational sac but it was also an irregular shape and the tech didn't have anything comforting to say about that.

I can't handle the stress and dh took me to the psych ER (embarrassing) because I was so distraught and thought I should take an antidepressant immediately and be under observation. So I started Prozac yesterday. So now I'm worried about taking drugs while pregnant too (I take Lamictal for epilepsy already). Anyway, I don't have a good feeling.

I know two mc's wouldn't be all that many compared to some, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe this is all too much and I think my wonderful dh can only handle so much of my depression day in and day out. I don't know if a break would really do much good. I'll just be wondering when I should start ttc again and if I can actually have children.

Is anyone else anticipating a breaking point or only willing to go through so many mc's? Dh really wants a biological child (and so do I), even to the extent of getting surrogate so I can be on a high dose of antidepressants. I'm not willing to do that and am starting to think about adoption. Did anyone feel this way and get over it? I don't know if this is realistic anymore. Thank you.

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi Annie. I am so sorry that you are having to go through it all again. I really feel for you. I have lost two now and I am like you just dont know if I could do it again for a while if I lost another. It's so heartbreaking and it wears you down. I am scared of falling again as I feel that it will just be another MC so it's like I'm getting pregnant again just so I can have fertility testing.
I am having counselling due to the depression side of things obv if that doesn't work, like you will be the medication route. It can all be too much.
Are you going back for a second scan?
Please keep us updated x

 

[AnnieMac2]

Hi, Trying4first1. Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot. And I really feel for you too. Even though this isn't completely over yet, I have a real sense of what losing your first and only two pregnancies is like. I go for another scan a week from now, next Friday. I know this one was too early, but the tech was nice but very doubtful, and the gestational sac looked like the ones that are collapsed in on themselves after a mc.

I'm starting to think I'm emotionally weaker than a lot of people. Everyone else's pain is as severe, if not more so (and far more losses!), than mine but I'm not hearing about actual out of control nervous breakdowns like what I did. I feel like maybe I'm someone who shouldn't be trying anymore, even though that's a devastating thought. I've been through hard things before, but I feel like this whole thing is breaking me.

Have you been receiving counselling for awhile? Do you like your therapist and get anything out of it? Mine is great, which makes it concerning I'm like this still. I hope to see amazing, happy news from you in the future. I'll be looking for you on the site to see how you're doing xo

 

[Trying4first1]

Hi Annie. I felt just like you, even though they don't say it's over you have that sense that it is. It's an odd feeling that I can't describe but I'm sure that you know what I mean. At this point in time it's probably best to expect the worst but hope for the best. There is always that bit of hope no matter what.
You are not weaker, you are just brave enough to say how you feel. A lot of women go through emotionally what you are going through. It's such an awful thing and it's no surprise you have been feeling the way that you have. It's all part of the grieving process and it's completely normal. I am still grieving 3 months on, I'm much better than I was but I still need that support at times to get me through those crappy days.
I have only had my initial assessment with my counsellor this week, start sessions mid this month. My counsellor seemed lovely on the phone so I'm feeling very positive about it all. Glad you have a great therapist. It will help in time, it's going to just be harder right now because of what you are going through.
Thank you and I will look out for you too. We will both get our rainbows I am certain of it. We will get through the other side and we will never EVER give up 😊
Please keep me updated about next week. I have everything crossed for you x

 

[FLArmyWife]

Annie, hun, I am in tears for you.

I want you to know you are not weak. Depression is a sickness we cannot control and sometimes meds and counseling aren't enough. I went through a really bad spot myself. Cutting my wrist, mixing drinking and pain killers, essentially hoping to kill myself. It's hard because no one else understands what you're going through so you try to put on a brave face, but it only makes it worse.
I am SO sorry you are going through this.
I am sorry your DH is struggling to be a support. It gets hard for family and friends of the depressed because they feel that nothing they do makes it better so they should stop trying.
The good in all this, you're aware that you have a serious problem. And you are wanting to address it. Have you brought up these fears and feelings with your therapist? you might need a different approach to this.
It is important to know too, even if little bean is gone, you still have crazy hormones running through your body which aren't helping how you're feeling.
I don't think giving up TTCing completely is the answer, but a break to get yourself mentally and physically better may actually help your body prepare a healthy environment for a little bean.
I am so so sorry things aren't looking good with this little bean. The entire fab testers group is praying for you and holding out hope that your bean is hanging in there. We love you girl!

 

[Disneymom1129]

Hi Annie, just wanted to pop in and say that I am thinking of you and I hope that your little bean is doing okay. Hopefully your next appt comes quickly and you are able to get some good news, if not some answers. Hang in there hun

 

[pinkpassion]

Hi annie,
I definitely felt like you.... ttc and going through my three losses was the worst thing I've ever gone through ....Honestly it was the worst years of my life, I became so bitter ... I too was happy for others but miserable about myself!!!! There were times I didn't even want to get out of bed!! And when my mmc happened I lost myself, after each loss I told myself "never again will I ttc", after my mmc (3rd loss) I lost myself and spiraled out of control.. me and dh didn't know how to communicate the pain we felt, we almost got a divorce I made some bad choices in those times and it was bad.. My dh fought hard for me and I decided I needed to turn my life around.. I started focusing on him and God and a bit later I found out I was pregnant. (We were in no way shape or form trying) it was horrible timing and we were both so worried about another loss and it tearing us up again.. we went through intense counseling throughout my entire pregnancy. .. I had so much to work through!!! Things are amazing now and I truly believe we are stronger than ever...
I'll let you in on a little secret... tonight at a bday party I found out one of my good friends is 10 weeks pregnant (everyone knew but me) and she said it was a whoopsie (they don't have kids and weren't trying yet, b ut she came off the pill in February and wanted to give herself a few months off the pill and she said the one time they weren't careful it happened... now my secret is although happy for her I was sad that 1) it happened so easy and fast for her 2)that everything is so blissful and she never thinks twice about the "scary" stuff .... good grief I had to remind myself I have a baby and I'm pregnant.. I'm just sad I have to keep in the back of my mind all the things that can go wrong...
All that to say... I thought those times would destroy me , and they almost did.. I was a wreck .. with nothing left to give and I didn't want anything or anyone.. I was so angry!!! But I did get through and I know you will too... rely on those around you and us here if you allow us to help you !!! I've been through so much and I've come so far (thanks to God and my husband) and one day you can be encouraging another woman or women going through the same thing ... that's the only good I can find out of it all is that I can say I've been there, I've done it, I lived through it and you can too!!! And I honestly believed I'd never carry a baby to term.. it just "wasn't going to happen for me!!".. and lots of you're way!!!! You are a strong woman !!!!!!!

 

[AnnieMac2]

FLArmy, I'm so sad you went through such hard times. You must be an incredibly strong person - and what a lucky baby to have such a tough, compassionate mom.

DH bends over backwards to be supportive. I think he just frantically says whatever he can think of hoping something will be helpful. He's terrified about how down I've gotten and is sad about all our bad news lately. I wish I could be there more for him, but right now I'm just trying to keep afloat. I've been going to a great therapist, but I think I'm going to fork over the insane amount of money that this miscarriage/child loss/infertility therapist charges. $200/session. Yeah, we're at that point.

Pink - I am so sorry, sweetie. What hell. I'm afraid of losing myself too. If I lose this pregnancy I'll have to spend time around a niece that will be only one month older than my baby would've been and my best friend will have the same due date. So it will be a twin baby pretty much. I'm afraid I'll have to be reclusive or something! And I understand what you're talking about: my best friend got pregnant accidentally with a guy she'd known two months. I'm happy she's happy, but life doesn't make sense. It is so wonderful to hear that you're doing better. I feel like maybe I could use some spirituality. That's the only thing I haven't tried. DH was even looking at crazy two week retreats for me to go on. We're desperate and will do anything.

You women are all amazing. I'm so sorry for your pain, but want to say how much I appreciate you. I've been struggling so badly, but I do get a few minutes of peace reading your comments. Pink, you've definitely met your goal of using your experience to help someone else. Thank you!

 

[tcinks]

So sorry for all you ladies and your losses It's the worat thing anyone could go through, I think. Losing a child.

I, too, have feelings of never wanting to try again. It hurts so much, I don't want to feel this pain again. But dh and I do want children, lots of them. And honestly, if it doesn't happen biologically, I will be happy to adopt. I want biological children, but I just want children. Dh and I always planned on foster care or adoption, we just figured it'd be later in life. (I'm 25, he's 27) But it might be sooner. I don't know. But we aren't giving up.

Annie, don't beat yourself up. You can make it through this, just one day at a time. The counseling is probably a really good thing, I honestly need to look into something like that myself. Maybe group sessions.

And it's hard been around other women who have totally carefree pregnancies and never have to worry about the thought of a loss. I wish I had that innocence back like I did in my first pregnancy. It was nothing but excitement and joy, not running to the bathroom every hour to check if I was bleeding....not worrying if every twinge I felt was the end...not praying just to make it to 23 weeks because they have a chance of survival outside the womb at that point.

As much as it hurts for all of us, I'm sure one day when we're holding our rainbows, though we'll still feel the pain of the little ones we lost, we'll see it was all worth it. The waiting is what hurts.

 

[FLArmyWife]

Chekin in on you. Hope you're doing ok.

 

[NZKiwi]

Hi Annie

I'm really feeling for you now. It's so hard, there has definitely been times I have felt like giving up..on everything, not just ttc. There are days when I wake up and feel like I don't have a lot of reasons to get out bed. Some how I just keep muddling through. I'm thinking about getting counselling because I know I'm still grieving and this experience has given me a twisted idea of pregnancy, I actually feel like its impossible to have a healthy pregnancy and am amazed when I see people manage it, I think counselling will help put things back in perspective.

Please don't give up, I think counselling would be a good idea, a safe space to work through your feelings and come to terms with them. Taking action is a positive step, it's also the hardest and just speaking out about how you feel on this forum is a brave thing to do, breaking the silence isn't easy. You are not alone.

I'm still holding out hope that your baby is okay and it was just to early to tell anything.